Reply to What do you think you did right to have a close relationship with your adult child?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Answering as adult child who’s very close with my parents - having them help with childcare. That’s huge. There are things I overlook (annoying personality things) for how much help they provide for us as two working parents.[/quote]

Very transactional. [/quote]

Sorry but no. And I'm a NP. In our family, the grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins were all involved in parenting the kids in the family. Because. . . . family. My parents benefitted HUGELY from that while I was growing up. Then they divorced and we got the "I raised my kids" speech and they never paid it forward. And, yeah, that is part of why I am not close to them. Their kids (and now grandkids) are only for photo ops and holidays. Otherwise, a box to check on the list.

I will def play a bigger role with my grandkids if I have any.[/quote]

I agree, it's not transactional when it's done out of love for your kids and grandkids. We know many families where the grandparents help out a lot and it's not some one to one transaction where the adult kids get free childcare and therefor the grandparents get a relationship. Rather, everyone loves each other and wants to spend time together, and there are multiple positive outcomes:

The adult children feel supported and loved and parenting feels less burdensome overall as a result.
The grandchildren feel loved and that they have a place within their extended family, and wind up with adults other than their parents that they love and depend on, which is positive for their social development and self-esteem.
The grandparents feel connected to their kids and grandkids, maintain a sense of purpose outside of themselves even into their later years, and have an excuse to engage in youthful activities that can help them stay fit and mentally well.

When the grandparents are uninvolved, the adult kids often feel like it's a reflection on them, like their parents hated parenting so much that they want nothing to do with another generation. The grandkids become alienated from their grandparents, and view the older generation as out of touch and disconnected. The grandparents wind up turning inward, focusing exclusively on themselves instead of others, and can become depressed or bitter that they are not attended to more, while the adult kids feel exasperated that their parents are demanding so much at a time when they are raising young kids without any family support. It is dysfunctional.[/quote]

This last bit so much. I've often seen it quoted here that people over 70 are consumed with themselves. That would kill a relationship. [/quote]

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