Overbearing parents of adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no reason as to why they need to tell her when and what dinner to eat, when to go to bed, and when to come back home. They just do. She’s an adult and doesn’t get adult freedoms. -OP

Is this your friend, OP, or yourself?

The most powerful wins. That's the law of the jungle. As long as this young person is dependent on her parents, they can choose to be very intrusive, and as long as it's not abuse (and it is not!)... no one can do anything about it.

Better learn that now.

For my friend.

PP here. There you need to learn that justice is for the powerful. The parents may be completely unfair here, but there isn't much your friend can do about it, unless they're receptive to persuasion.

Do you understand that? And be careful how you frame this to your friend. Instead of wallowing in the unfairness, tell her that should motivate her to be financially independent from her parents. And she can exact retribution at the end of their lives, when they need her help... she can just say no. Never forget that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone else pays for your "things", you're not an adult. An adult pays for their own "things". Even an old proverb says: He who pays the piper calls the tune. Meaning, the one who pays, decides.

So NO here. If you are 18 and parents in support you, you have no rights to any kind of bodily autonomy?

Does the same apply to stay at home parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone else pays for your "things", you're not an adult. An adult pays for their own "things". Even an old proverb says: He who pays the piper calls the tune. Meaning, the one who pays, decides.

So NO here. If you are 18 and parents in support you, you have no rights to any kind of bodily autonomy?

Does the same apply to stay at home parents?

In real life? Yes. Most couples are rational, diplomatic and on the same page, but also… the higher earner usually gets more say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother planned all the college courses I was taking at which time/day/semester. I had to live at home for college and she insisted on seeing what I was wearing each day before I left home.

Until the day I left home to move out, if I walked out of a room my mother was in she'd ask where I was going.

Yup. I remember arriving home with a cute new asymmetric haircut and my mother driving me directly to the hair dresser so I they could “fix” it. I was a senior in college. We are not close now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financing your own life? Then your parents have no say. That's the goal. Work hard to get there as soon as you can.

This.

My mom was overbearing AF. But once I was out of college and on my own, what could she realistically demand and what leverage did she have?

I made the mistake of bringing a boyfriend home that they didn’t approve of and they were so incredibly rude to him that we left early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone else pays for your "things", you're not an adult. An adult pays for their own "things". Even an old proverb says: He who pays the piper calls the tune. Meaning, the one who pays, decides.

So NO here. If you are 18 and parents in support you, you have no rights to any kind of bodily autonomy?

Does the same apply to stay at home parents?

Stay at home parents are entitled to 50% of whatever the working parent earns. Legally. An 18 yo is entitled to ZERO to what her parents earn. That said, if someone is molesting you, you contact police.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

[Anonymous]

How old are you, OP? Also, 18?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP? Also, 18?

Turning 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financing your own life? Then your parents have no say. That's the goal. Work hard to get there as soon as you can.

This.

My mom was overbearing AF. But once I was out of college and on my own, what could she realistically demand and what leverage did she have?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone else pays for your "things", you're not an adult. An adult pays for their own "things". Even an old proverb says: He who pays the piper calls the tune. Meaning, the one who pays, decides.

I guess a boyfriend who pays for things gets to call the tune.