Overbearing parents of adult children

[Anonymous]

The details of the overbearing parent are unimportant. The point is: this is easily solved. And it's becoming financially independent. Which equals being as adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If someone else pays for your "things", you're not an adult. An adult pays for their own "things". Even an old proverb says: He who pays the piper calls the tune. Meaning, the one who pays, decides.

I guess a boyfriend who pays for things gets to call the tune.

You think they don't? You think the trophy girlfriends/ wives call the tunes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

You sweet summer child. The whole point of moving out is the ability to do what you want. That's why the young move out. If you live under someone else's roof, you cannot do what you want. The parents have their set habits. They have to wake up early to go to work. So they probably go to bed at around 10. Now if this 18 yo wants to stay up until 2 am and take a shower or listen to her music, guess what? She'll wake up her parents. Not wanting to leave someone home alone has to do with your friend being immature. She doesn't know how to handle things. Which is why she complains over and over. If you don't understand the difference between an 18 yo and 45 yo then I suppose you don't either between 5 and 15? Her parents are treating her like a baby because she seems to behaves like one. Or maybe it's you.

In reality, even when you're 50 and go visit your 80 yo parents (with whom you don't live) and stay with them, you'll be doing what they will tell you. Because it's their house and you're a visitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

You sweet summer child. The whole point of moving out is the ability to do what you want. That's why the young move out. If you live under someone else's roof, you cannot do what you want. The parents have their set habits. They have to wake up early to go to work. So they probably go to bed at around 10. Now if this 18 yo wants to stay up until 2 am and take a shower or listen to her music, guess what? She'll wake up her parents. Not wanting to leave someone home alone has to do with your friend being immature. She doesn't know how to handle things. Which is why she complains over and over. If you don't understand the difference between an 18 yo and 45 yo then I suppose you don't either between 5 and 15? Her parents are treating her like a baby because she seems to behaves like one. Or maybe it's you.

In reality, even when you're 50 and go visit your 80 yo parents (with whom you don't live) and stay with them, you'll be doing what they will tell you. Because it's their house and you're a visitor.

They would still try to give her unsolicited advice if she moved out. How is that okay? Its weird that you’d make your 45 yo go to bed early just because they live with you. She isn’t immature, she’s very mature. And even if she was immature, why can’t they leave her alone if she’s a full grown adult? An 18yo and 45yo are both adults, and need to both be treated like adults. She’s more mature than most other 18 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

You sweet summer child. The whole point of moving out is the ability to do what you want. That's why the young move out. If you live under someone else's roof, you cannot do what you want. The parents have their set habits. They have to wake up early to go to work. So they probably go to bed at around 10. Now if this 18 yo wants to stay up until 2 am and take a shower or listen to her music, guess what? She'll wake up her parents. Not wanting to leave someone home alone has to do with your friend being immature. She doesn't know how to handle things. Which is why she complains over and over. If you don't understand the difference between an 18 yo and 45 yo then I suppose you don't either between 5 and 15? Her parents are treating her like a baby because she seems to behaves like one. Or maybe it's you.

In reality, even when you're 50 and go visit your 80 yo parents (with whom you don't live) and stay with them, you'll be doing what they will tell you. Because it's their house and you're a visitor.

They would still try to give her unsolicited advice if she moved out. How is that okay? Its weird that you’d make your 45 yo go to bed early just because they live with you. She isn’t immature, she’s very mature. And even if she was immature, why can’t they leave her alone if she’s a full grown adult? An 18yo and 45yo are both adults, and need to both be treated like adults. She’s more mature than most other 18 year olds.

So you are both wrong, I can tell you as a 50 year old with controlling 80 year old parents. Tons of this is untreated anxiety. My parents tell me to eat something or go to bed or turn the light up/down where I am reading, put on a thicker sweater, etc. It doesn’t stop. It’s not about my maturity - it’s about their experience in the world. The PP is wrong because no I don’t stay up or go to bed based on their wishes. I don’t (over)eat based on their wishes. (Finally! That one took a while).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

You sweet summer child. The whole point of moving out is the ability to do what you want. That's why the young move out. If you live under someone else's roof, you cannot do what you want. The parents have their set habits. They have to wake up early to go to work. So they probably go to bed at around 10. Now if this 18 yo wants to stay up until 2 am and take a shower or listen to her music, guess what? She'll wake up her parents. Not wanting to leave someone home alone has to do with your friend being immature. She doesn't know how to handle things. Which is why she complains over and over. If you don't understand the difference between an 18 yo and 45 yo then I suppose you don't either between 5 and 15? Her parents are treating her like a baby because she seems to behaves like one. Or maybe it's you.

In reality, even when you're 50 and go visit your 80 yo parents (with whom you don't live) and stay with them, you'll be doing what they will tell you. Because it's their house and you're a visitor.

They would still try to give her unsolicited advice if she moved out. How is that okay? Its weird that you’d make your 45 yo go to bed early just because they live with you. She isn’t immature, she’s very mature. And even if she was immature, why can’t they leave her alone if she’s a full grown adult? An 18yo and 45yo are both adults, and need to both be treated like adults. She’s more mature than most other 18 year olds.

What exactly are you arguing about here? You're told the reality and you're trying to push what you want. No, a person who lives with their parents, whether they're 18 or 45 are not adults! Adults live independently and provide for themselves. The ones who don't are legally adults, but for all practical purposes children. There's no way to get unsolicited advice as you can literally change your phone number and disappear. Enough of this. Get a job, move out and nobody can tell you what to do and when. If you're afraid they'll try, move far away. Like across the ocean. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this 18/19 year old’s life fully funded by their parents and do they live at home rent free?

The more dependence on your parents for your day to day life makes some parents feel like they have more of a say in decisions.

The easiest way to avoid overbearing parents is to live independently.

+1

[Anonymous]

My parents enforced rules like this when I was 18 and still in HS and living at home. And they had expectations for my grades and behavior while I was in college, which they paid for. And they were right! While you (or your friend) may technically be an adult at 18, you’re still very much kids in the grand scheme of the world. I’m sure I was annoyed by it at the time but now at 40, I can absolutely see why they maintained rules at the time and am very glad they did.

[Anonymous]

There’s no magic switch that flips at age 18. Yes, an 18 yo is legally an adult (in some ways… not in others until age 21). But socially, an 18 yo still in HS is a kid/teen. And at any age, if you live with other people, you can’t just do whatever you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP. My friend isn’t irresponsible and can go to sleep at a regular time, but they still enforce bedtimes. Don’t you think being an adult means parents don’t need to enforce bedtimes anymore, and kids can deal with the consequences, whether their in HS or not? And I don’t think this is comparable to being a stay at parent. Can the working spouse enforce childlike rules (they also will not let her stay alone for a week while they go away) on the stay at home parent, just because they’re not earning any money?

Your friend is an adult so she is choosing to live with her family under these rules. She is free to leave if she doesn't like the rules. But she doesn't get to a vote on the house rules because she is not in charge of the house.

Okay, what’s the justification behind enforcing childlike rules on an 18 year old? If she was 45, and lived there, would it still be okay for them to make her have a bedtime?

Everybody is telling you that she can MOVE OUT. Otherwise parents set the rules, one for not disturbing the house when the parents themselves sleep. They will also not let her stay alone because she's on their insurance. You obviously have no understanding how much anything costs nor the responsibilities. Like if your friend sets the house on fire while alone, then what? If a 45 yo lives with parents and doesn't contribute, yes, the parents get to set the rules. Now stop asking the same thing over and over.

She can move out and she will move out. But the problem is that even if she did, they’d still see and treat her like a child at 18. Parents can set rules, yet that still doesn’t mean an 18 year old needs a bedtime. A curfew is fine. Why do you think it’s okay to treat an 18 year old like a baby? What makes it okay to distrust her at 18, while home alone and assume she’ll start a fire, but not if she was 45?

The fact that you can’t understand the concept of “my house, my rules” shows that you’re still very immature. I doubt that you’ll magically gain vast amounts of life experience and maturity the day you turn 18.

Maybe her parents are overbearing and unfair. Maybe your friend isn’t responsible and you can’t see it because you’re also a child. Either way, while she is dependent on them, especially while she lives in their house, they get to set and enforce rules. When she’s ready to be independent, she can move out and pay her own way. That’s when she can set her own bedtime. It’s pretty simple, and most actual adults recognize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has been your experience dealing with overbearing and controlling parents during your adult years, particularly around 18/19? A friend’s parent’s still try to tell her what to do at age 18.

It's obnoxious and exhausting
Cycle broken as I'm not that way with our now two young adult kids.

Never ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What has been your experience dealing with overbearing and controlling parents during your adult years, particularly around 18/19? A friend’s parent’s still try to tell her what to do at age 18.

Just listen to your mother.

+1!!