Anyone else feel like their idealistic parents didn't prepare them for adulthood?

[Anonymous]

You need to get out of the lease and find a cheaper living space if you want to keep the dog. Your own parents aren’t willing to live with it, neither will anyone else.

The MFA is a bad idea and so is your professor. You shouldn’t do either of them right now. Look into grant writing or other business writing for more lucrative opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

Go to chumplady.com and read about ego kibbles. Your professor is using you to boost his ego. And vice versa.

There's a book about an Oberlin professor getting a divorce. Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. Read that instead.

If you ever want to be happily married, you'll statistically do better avoiding divorced guys. Only some learn and change. And the cheater types lie like crazy. You can never trust them. Ever.

If I had been your mom I would have warned you off pets. Always more difficult when you don't own your own home.

You ARE doing better than I was at graduation. I didn't have any job. So kudos to you for having an internship and a plan. If you ever find yourself unemployed, don't retreat into a shell. Find a volunteer position that will keep you meeting people and interacting socially (a reason to get out of bed) until you find a paying job.

I agree with the person above who said to find a way to profitably use your language skills. You need some security an MFA can't provide.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

Go to chumplady.com and read about ego kibbles. Your professor is using you to boost his ego. And vice versa.

There's a book about an Oberlin professor getting a divorce. Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. Read that instead.

If you ever want to be happily married, you'll statistically do better avoiding divorced guys. Only some learn and change. And the cheater types lie like crazy. You can never trust them. Ever.

If I had been your mom I would have warned you off pets. Always more difficult when you don't own your own home.

You ARE doing better than I was at graduation. I didn't have any job. So kudos to you for having an internship and a plan. If you ever find yourself unemployed, don't retreat into a shell. Find a volunteer position that will keep you meeting people and interacting socially (a reason to get out of bed) until you find a paying job.

I agree with the person above who said to find a way to profitably use your language skills. You need some security an MFA can't provide.

Good luck!

Isabel Gillies's dh, while not great, was not a creep going for students. He fell for a younger professor and they are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

Go to chumplady.com and read about ego kibbles. Your professor is using you to boost his ego. And vice versa.

There's a book about an Oberlin professor getting a divorce. Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. Read that instead.

If you ever want to be happily married, you'll statistically do better avoiding divorced guys. Only some learn and change. And the cheater types lie like crazy. You can never trust them. Ever.

If I had been your mom I would have warned you off pets. Always more difficult when you don't own your own home.

You ARE doing better than I was at graduation. I didn't have any job. So kudos to you for having an internship and a plan. If you ever find yourself unemployed, don't retreat into a shell. Find a volunteer position that will keep you meeting people and interacting socially (a reason to get out of bed) until you find a paying job.

I agree with the person above who said to find a way to profitably use your language skills. You need some security an MFA can't provide.

Good luck!

Isabel Gillies's dh, while not great, was not a creep going for students. He fell for a younger professor and they are still married.

Wrong - he's now with a new wife and is no longer married to the colleague with whom he had the affair while he was married to Gillies.
https://oberlinreview.org/29009/uncategorized/love-in-the-literature/

[Anonymous]

Parents didn't prepare you? No Op, this is on you
True, blaming parents is common. Seems to be a developmental phase young adults must pass through. Always has been. Perhaps this generation is more vocal.

But is it -- whatever you're blaming them for -- their fault? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

Go to chumplady.com and read about ego kibbles. Your professor is using you to boost his ego. And vice versa.

There's a book about an Oberlin professor getting a divorce. Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. Read that instead.

If you ever want to be happily married, you'll statistically do better avoiding divorced guys. Only some learn and change. And the cheater types lie like crazy. You can never trust them. Ever.

If I had been your mom I would have warned you off pets. Always more difficult when you don't own your own home.

You ARE doing better than I was at graduation. I didn't have any job. So kudos to you for having an internship and a plan. If you ever find yourself unemployed, don't retreat into a shell. Find a volunteer position that will keep you meeting people and interacting socially (a reason to get out of bed) until you find a paying job.

I agree with the person above who said to find a way to profitably use your language skills. You need some security an MFA can't provide.

Good luck!

Isabel Gillies's dh, while not great, was not a creep going for students. He fell for a younger professor and they are still married.

Wrong - he's now with a new wife and is no longer married to the colleague with whom he had the affair while he was married to Gillies.
https://oberlinreview.org/29009/uncategorized/love-in-the-literature/

Oh I thought this was the same woman since she gave everyone pseudonyms. She's still not a student or former student though.

[Anonymous]

Nobody on the internet or in real life, including your parents and your thesis advisor, can give you a solution to life. There’s no magic decree program or advice or subreddit that will give you instructions on what choices to make to build a life you find to be worth living. Other people can only share what has been helpful or meaningful to them, they can’t tell you what will help or be meaningful to you. The expectation that anybody other than you can “set you up” for life is the wrong mindset and is guaranteed to lead to disappointment.

Do your best and expect a lot of muddling through. Pay attention to your desires and feelings, and also think critically about any solution or advice you’re offered. Accept uncertainty and a degree of failure. Try not to be so hard on yourself and others.

Your parents could have pushed you to pursue some lucrative degree and to prioritize earning potential. You might still be stressed and even miserable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

I can predict with almost certainty your future. We all can. It is all right there because you are not mature enough to see what you really need to do. And, no, with this one you will not be able to blame your parents.

[Anonymous]

Did your parents tell you to get a badly behaved rescue dog that you can't afford to properly train?

[Anonymous]

OP, re: your professor, it is VERY important for you to understand here, now, today, that this man is showing eery sign of being a predator and you should do a 180 and get as far away from him as possible. You are at a critical juncture in decision making and setting up independence. It is difficult, stressful, and NORMAL to go through a complete evolution in your support structure and one falls or pulls away and another surfaces. He is exploiting your vulnerability, and you are falling for it (while no doubt telling yourself that you are an adult, are mature, can handle it, etc). This man will get you emotionally involved and suck up your limited and valuable energy, time and emotional availability just at the most crucial juncture when you need to be finding the right partner (which is not him). What will happen here if you get involved with him, is you will miss out on the critical window of mate-finding, and in ten years you will be here crying about your lost opportunities. I have seen this play out in real life over and over.

[Anonymous]

OP listen to this. This man is an emotional crutch for you and it will end very badly FOR YOU, not for him.

[Anonymous]

You seem like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a troll.

100%, all the buzzwords make it sound like a commercial
Op stubs their toe and a voice over comes in, "are you tired of idealistic liberals not preparing you for life?"

[Anonymous]

Hi there. Your parents owed you food, clothing, shelter, care for your health, and love. Some parents offer advice/preparation beyond this but it's not part of the baseline job description. Based on their professions, your folks are really from a different time--they wouldn't have known. But it's OK because you're an adult now and you are in charge of your own life. Sometimes that involves learning from mistakes. Don't apply to grad school. Instead, find a job that allows you to support yourself--be driven in pursuit of this. Work ethic and ability to regularly learn new skills counts for a lot more than what your major was. Think about what you want in life and figure out what kind of job you can do that will pay you enough to achieve it. Try to meet as many helpful people to finding that career path as you can. You've got this.

Friendships and relationships in college and one's early 20s are messy. People are still figuring themselves out. But any mistakes you make at this stage in life are mistakes you won't be making later. Sending you all the luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem like a troll.

Or a mess. I'd be ashamed if you were my daughter, making such poor decisions and blaming other people for your mistakes. I'd also stop bailing you out of your financial problems.