Anyone else feel like their idealistic parents didn't prepare them for adulthood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel weird posting this, but I just discovered this forum last night. I'm about to graduate college next week (!!!), and I feel like my parents (a progressive social worker and an English professor at a community college) did not do a good job of preparing me for adulthood. Compared to my peers, I feel a lot more sheltered and just behind in life.

I guess I'm just reflecting on college in general now that I'm graduating in one week. On paper, it seems like college went really well for me -- I majored in English at a SLAC, am graduating with the top award in my department and super high GPA, have amazing relationships with my professors, and just finished up my year as the Editor-in-Chief of my school's newspaper. I'm starting a journalism internship next month in the same city where I currently live.

But finances, now that I'm starting to realize, are a constant stressor for me in a way that it isn't for my peers. I almost wish I chose a more lucrative major, even though I really do love English and writing in general. I resigned the lease on my house and can't find anyone who wants to live with me after graduation (because I live with a lovely but neurotic rescue dog I adopted last year). I cannot afford to pay for rent in my house by myself on a meager part-time journalism stipend, so I'm really stressed about finding roommates starting next month. I'm graduating with $40k in student loans, which thankfully, my mom agreed to pay off for me (but I still feel guilty about burdening her with this). I'm preparing to apply to MFA programs in Creative Writing next year, but I don't even know what you can do with an MFA -- academia is falling apart.

I made some really poor choices in friends and boyfriends in college, so my primary social group throughout college fell apart in the middle of my junior year, and now I feel like I don't really have a support system, which really sucks. The two friends who have lived with me in the past both screwed me over and didn't end up paying rent (in retrospect, this was 100% predictable, but I was too naive and sheltered to realize it), and my mom ended up covering their portion of the rent. My best friend throughout college was just outed last week as a lying sociopath (which was also predictable, but my head was buried too deep into the sand until it was too late).

I really don't have any tight support system except my rescue dog (who I adore more than anyone else in the world) and my professor/thesis advisor (who I'm also starting to be wary of because he hits on female students and cheated on his wife, another prof in the English department, with an alum). I just feel so lost, and I feel like my ultra-liberal, "do what makes you feel good" parents did not prepare me for either the financial or the emotional realities of adulthood.

Sigh. Anyone else in this situation?

No. My kids are not in this situation.

But, I will blame your parents for your predicament. Children need to be guided and mentored so that they understand the concept of consequences and they are trained to make good decisions. You need to understand what it means to live in society and what you will need to be a successful and useful adult.

1. You needed to have prepared well academically in childhood to be able to pick an in-demand high paying major and do well. This was on your parents.

2. While it is great that you can write well and are a good student of English - your parents did not teach you how to monetize it. You could have taken English as a second major and you could have also found a way to make money off of it (Hint - teach English online or have a youtube channel or take money to ghost write or write screenplays or create stories for social media).

3. Poor sexual boundaries. There was zero need for having boyfriends or leaning on a lecherous male professor. Your life is not going anywhere that you need to be entangled with sexual relationships. Respect yourself. Go buy yourself a battery-operated boyfriend. Become something first, become self-sufficient and become smart. You sound like a potential victim. And FFS, don't get pregnant.

4. Wasted your education dollar. You could have gone to a state school for much less instead of a SLAC. Your college education should get you a job. What a waste.

5. You have zero clarity about life. No wonder you attracted users. Why did the good kids with a future not become your friends? Because you were one hot mess and people generally avoid people who make bad decisions.

6. A rescue dog? There was zero reasons for you to have one. Who would want to room with you? Please do not tell me that it was one of aggressive breeds. Ditch the dog.

7. I predict...you will end up being sexually entangled with your professor and he might keep you as his side piece. Since your clueless parents have bailed you out, you are used to depending on others to finance you. Any man who can pay for you will own you.

You need to get help. Your parents need to step up and parent you. You need to get some career counseling and life counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

[Anonymous]

“I'd rather suffer financially and have to live on my own than move back in with my parents and give up my dog.”

This reads as really immature and selfish to me. You would ruin your entire financial life for a dog? How will that help the dog? You cannot feed it or pay its vet bills if you’re deeply in debt. Go to the poverty finance Reddit and ask how they get emergency help for poor people with animals. If you don’t qualify, you must rehome the dog. Find a bleeding-heart, no-kill shelter in another state. Create an Instagram account for the dog. Call 211 if you’re in Virginia. Whatever it takes. If you care for that dog, you will get it help or let it go. I know that’s hard to hear. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

With your qualifications, you could teach. The job comes with benefits, including health care. Go read, “Tools for Teaching”, by Fred Jones. It was recommended to me years ago. It layers over other behavior management curricula really well. It will help you start your career on the right track. Even if you don’t ultimately stay with this job will help buy you time to figure out another solution. Always stick it out until June, though. You can’t leave kids in the lurch. If you’re not sure you can teach at all, try subbing this June. You’ll know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are doing fine. This is all part of the process. You'll figure it out. Your parents can do some, but honestly, most of this is lessons that most people learn the hard way. Sounds like you're already doing that! Good. Here's where you go from here:

1) Don't go for a graduate degree when you don't have a career path in mind unless you have an enormous amount of generational wealth. Loving writing and being great at it is awesome, and opens up career doors for you. Graduate degrees will always be there for you if you want/need them once you have a little more life experience and a better idea what you want.

2) Internship sounds great, but it's time to start looking for a job for after it ends (I assume it's a summer internship?) You don't need to have this all figured out right now, you just need something to get you going, pay the bills, and start giving you a sense of "okay, here's what I like/don't like about various jobs having actually worked at a place for real people." Start asking around (maybe the career center at your school, too) and figure out where/how to look for and apply for jobs (I won't give advice about this, I've been out of the entry level job market too long) and just see what looks interesting and lines up with your skills. Most of my friends (in our 40s now) ended up in solid career paths through this method. They had a few different jobs in their 20s, one of them clicked, and that's what they're doing now. Very few set out on a Career Path and had that work out, and at least one who did that, successfully, is now miserable at work.

3) Set BIG boundaries with this thesis advisor. That's honestly, the biggest red flag in your post, especially given that you're kinda between friend groups right now. NO personal chat (from you or from him). Never go to his house. If your spidey sense ever tingles, say you feel nauseous and leave. You don't want to cut that tie, but you need to keep it all professional. If he starts over promising ("I can get you started as a novelist! I have tons of ties in publishing! You're a once in a generation talent!") back. away. That will end poorly for you! If you are a once in a generation talent, someone who isn't creepy will notice the regular way.

You'll be fine! Just keep on keepin' on. Good luck!

Thank you for the encouragement. This is all very helpful for me to hear.

Re: Professor. Yes, there's a lot of red flags with him. But honestly, I've told him so much about my personal life (because I had to for creative writing classes, which are inherently personal and intimate), and he's told me so much about his personal life (especially regarding his divorce with the other prof) that it would feel really weird and out of character for me to not engage in any personal chat. Especially since most of my creative writing is based on my personal life and my family story, it would feel almost un-academic for me to not tell him about my personal life.

I know it's super unprofessional of him to confess to me (as a current student) about all the happenings of his divorce, especially since he's telling me that "these are things that you should not tell the other students! Just keep this private between you and me." But... I kinda like feeling special and singled out by a professor? Like I know it's super toxic and really dangerous, but I really do enjoy it when an authority figure singles me out and portrays me as special, or above other students. And yes, I'm in therapy (and have been in therapy for the past 8 years). BUT... I have to say, I have a MASSIVE crush on this professor and would TOTALLY date him. Yes, I'm only confessing this because it's an anonymous forum.

On your end it's limerance and on his it is grooming. He does this with all attractive girls. Is the year not over yet? You'll never see the man again so stop wasting time on that gross old man. Your future self would be revolted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I'd rather suffer financially and have to live on my own than move back in with my parents and give up my dog.”

This reads as really immature and selfish to me. You would ruin your entire financial life for a dog? How will that help the dog? You cannot feed it or pay its vet bills if you’re deeply in debt. Go to the poverty finance Reddit and ask how they get emergency help for poor people with animals. If you don’t qualify, you must rehome the dog. Find a bleeding-heart, no-kill shelter in another state. Create an Instagram account for the dog. Call 211 if you’re in Virginia. Whatever it takes. If you care for that dog, you will get it help or let it go. I know that’s hard to hear. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

With your qualifications, you could teach. The job comes with benefits, including health care. Go read, “Tools for Teaching”, by Fred Jones. It was recommended to me years ago. It layers over other behavior management curricula really well. It will help you start your career on the right track. Even if you don’t ultimately stay with this job will help buy you time to figure out another solution. Always stick it out until June, though. You can’t leave kids in the lurch. If you’re not sure you can teach at all, try subbing this June. You’ll know.

How is that selfish? It would be infinitely worse if I abandoned my dog (remember, he's a rescue with a history of trauma) to a dirty, crowded, loud shelter that wouldn't be able to care for him anywhere near as well as I can. I do have a job lined up (a part-time journalism internship), so it's not like I'm completely destitute.

[Anonymous]

Have a back-up plan for making a living following the MFA. You do not want to be competing with your peers for adjunct teaching, it is no way to make a living. You need a novel and some luck to land an academic job. One option could be also pursuing a path to a HS teaching credential, there is a movement towards DE in high schools. But whatever you do have a back up plan.

-sibling of a writer with an MFA in creative writing. It is not an easy road.

[Anonymous]

You won't get a job with the MFA degree. That degree, if you get it, will cost you money. Even if you are fully funded, you will "pay" but not earning a real salary during that time period you are in school.

When you graduate, you'll wake up to the fact that schools want candidates with a Ph.D. and not the MFA.

You can be a writer and not get the MFA. Just look at the UK.

[Anonymous]

Bravo!

This is an excellent troll!

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll post.
You've been in therapy for 8 years? You need a new therapist. Like others said, ditch the dog, and examine why you are so attached to a damaged/damaging dog (and people) with your new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Do not go into more debt for an MFA. What a waste of money.

You want to blame your parents, but you keep making bad decisions. Like heading towards an affair with a prof and getting a dog you can't afford and doesn't get along with other dogs or prospective roommates.

If you want to keep the dog, you need to be able to afford a place of your own. Get a second job waiting tables or something until you can get a full time career type job. Plenty of ideas for that from earlier posters.

Being an adult means taking responsibility for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Look to tech companies for employment.

My English major niece is employed in tech. She went to NYU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a legit feeling. So many parents think life is rosey and you should follow your passion.

In 99% of instances, following your passion will create financial stress.

Your parents did in fact not prepare you for the real world in a major city where high incomes are a necessity.

I have two middle school girls, I want them to do what they want, but I am not against telling them their path may make life harder than it needs to be.

If they want to follow their passion, I guess I'll be putting the down payment on their home

I echo this.

Too many parents, loving and well-meaning, effectively told their kids to follow their passions and sooner or later everything will work out. Well, no, it doesn't quite work like that. Life is about choices. If your passion means being a broke editor in the AI revolution that is going to destroy the industry (and already is), is it smart to make the choice to follow your passion? Or sit back and reassess? And, really, what is passion? You love reading? Ok, you can do that outside work. But what makes life much easier is money, indisputably.

There are so many routes into adulthood. There are so many career trajectories. Most people do not end up doing what their "passion" was at age 22, if they ever had one. But smarter people figure out they can be good at something else and make more money, even if it wasn't their passion. Lots of corporate management jobs fall into this category. People managing, project management, keeping the ball rolling. OP is in her early 20s, which means she has plenty of time to get on the career track. What will help her is 1) determination, 2) grit, 3) drive, and 4) learning (quickly) from mistakes and moving forward.

OP, if you're good at writing and managing a writing project, I'd suggest looking at proposal management. You'd have to start out as an lowly specialist but it's a career trajectory, especially in the DC area with all the fed contracting, that has a lot of room to grow in. It's not BIGLAW but after five or so years as a specialist, an experienced proposal manager can absolutely command 125k+ salary, and directors of proposal management approaches 200k or more with bonuses. You could even look at tech firms, they have proposal teams and can make pretty good salaries, especially if you join young and develop a niche area managing tech proposals (if you're really good at it, it can be big money with RSUs). And it's a good gateway job to other project management or group management roles in corporate America, if you hustle and network.

I would not go down the MFA route. That is a guaranteed money loser.

OP here. Not bad ideas at all. I know that something like corporate communications/project management/tech writing would pay really well.

The problem is that I don't think I have it in me to "hustle" and market myself towards these roles. Maybe I'm inherently just self-absorbed and immature, or maybe it's a product of my ultra-liberal upbringing (most likely a combination of both). I just feel like, with my ADHD and my personality, that I absolutely HAVE to be interested in whatever job I take. If I'm not in the zone of ADHD hyper focus, I totally lose interest in whatever I'm doing. I just don't think I have it in me to force myself to work a boring, soulless job. The prospect of the part-time journalism internship I have lined up (at an artistic magazine that aligns with my values) lights me up and makes me excited. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I'd rather go back to my high school job bagging groceries at Trader Joe's than have to work at something so soulless like project management at a tech company.

I'm also graduating from a progressive SLAC (similar to Oberlin if we're using the Girls example) where most students work at non-profits or idealistic jobs. So I don't really have an alumni network to rely on if I'm trying to break into something more lucrative like tech or corporate writing.

[Anonymous]

Well, what's worse, a job you don't love or giving up your dog? You could look into networking with alumni in nonprofits that pay ok. There's really a range of nonprofits in terms of salaries. And you should be able to find something that pays more than a part time internship stipend.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel bad about accepting money from your parents. Show your appreciation through gratitude not guilt. Tell them how grateful you are and how appreciative you are. That's all parents want. They don't want you beating yourself up or feeling like a failure. Be glad you have a safety net.

MFA programs are great when you are young like you are. Definitely take the leap. However, only do fully funded programs. That means you apply for a Teacher's Assistant job that covers tuition and gives you a stipend. If you don't get offered one when you apply (they can be competitive), then your writing isn't good enough yet. Keep working on it and try again. Do not go into debt to get one. MFAs have negative ROI. Does that mean you shouldn't get one? No, you should follow your dreams and you will not regret it. That being said, do not think it will be a leg up. Most graduates become adjunct professors which is a hard way to get by. Extremely low pay, expendable, no benefits. You also are very vulnerable to men who might take advantage similar to your current professor. Creative writing programs are very patriarchal and there are a lot of professors, publishers, famous writers, etc. who will take advantage of you. Just the facts.

If you love writing, look into pairing the MFA with a lucrative writing career. Look into direct response copywriting (Google Gary Halbert, Eugene Schwartz, John Caples). Essentially writing advertising copy. There is a lot of money in that.

[Anonymous]

OP -- You are selling yourself short. This is a well-written troll post, so your skills are very good. You probably already have a job, but if you don't, you don't have to worry -- you'll get one. You can use this thread in your portfolio, if that wasn't already your intention.