Daughter prefers to stay home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine wanting to be home at that age. I moved to the other side of the world to be a nanny and to go to school.
I bet she likes long showers, has no friends, and doodles.
Hopefully she married him and can stay home forever.

I like long showers, what does this have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Parents' wealth has nothing to do with anything. It's about the kids having a work ethic, and being able to support themselves as an adult. We are in the position of having our kid be a trust fund baby, but she sure as hell is not going to be one (not our plan or hers).

OP, have her start therapy, because there is some sort of underlying problem here. Depression, anxiety, something that needs intervention. Her behavior is not normal, nor is failing to recognize that the ability to hold down a job and support themselves is a life skill. Your child is 19, not 5.

She most definitely needs a job. Or two. She can pay rent, car payments, gas in the car, insurance, etc.

Someone I know has a kid that took a gap year, IMO with the intent to play video games endlessly and hang out with friends. Instead, he worked two jobs, one starting very early in the morning, and got motivated about going to college. He's starting in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

She prefers to stay home, and doesn’t want a job. She just doesn’t seem to understand why everyone is expected to have a job in life. She did defer admission/take a gap year, so she is able attend college in August, but has worries.

So do the traditional thing and keep her as the spinster daughter. She doesn't need a job but she is prohibited from dating from here on out. Her job is in the home, to take care of the house and her siblings, and eventually be your full time caregivers as you age. It's a fair choice with precedent. If that's not appealing, she need an alternate plan and that doesn't include support by you.

This. If she wants to stay home, stay single and keep house for the rest of her life, she sounds like a natural unpaid caregiver for your old age.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't need to run errands with you, but get a purpose. What is her purpose? It's a problem if not getting into a preferred school wiped out all interests. She seems to have no grit. So if she breaks up with her BF, then what? Has she always gotten what she wanted? What if she doesn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

I do mean this in the most sincere way possible: Why are people always obsessed with DC getting a job? If they help out around the house and are otherwise a pleasant person to be around, I don’t see any harm in them staying at home.

Healthy adults who are not independently wealthy need to work or go to school or both.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll. Does her boyfriend know you expect him to support her unemployed self once they marry? It’s clear this is your plan.

[Anonymous]

I would never have allowed her to stay at home -- instead of going to college. Somewhere. Away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents' wealth has nothing to do with anything. It's about the kids having a work ethic, and being able to support themselves as an adult. We are in the position of having our kid be a trust fund baby, but she sure as hell is not going to be one (not our plan or hers).

OP, have her start therapy, because there is some sort of underlying problem here. Depression, anxiety, something that needs intervention. Her behavior is not normal, nor is failing to recognize that the ability to hold down a job and support themselves is a life skill. Your child is 19, not 5.

She most definitely needs a job. Or two. She can pay rent, car payments, gas in the car, insurance, etc.

Someone I know has a kid that took a gap year, IMO with the intent to play video games endlessly and hang out with friends. Instead, he worked two jobs, one starting very early in the morning, and got motivated about going to college. He's starting in the fall.

This is similar to my husband’s story, although a bit different. He essentially flunked out of college and moved home for a gap year, said he was never going back. His parents made him get a full time job that involved a lot of manual labor and lo and behold, he realized college wasn’t so bad compared to schlepping boxes for minimum wage. He went back and got an engineering degree.

In this day and age, I don’t think ‘going to college’ is the only or right path, but everyone should be prepared to support themselves. You should make her get some sort of job and she may change her tune about not wanting to go to college or pursue a trade, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll. Does her boyfriend know you expect him to support her unemployed self once they marry? It’s clear this is your plan.

The boyfriend's parents will put a stop to this real quick, if they are paying attention.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you letting her sit home and do nothing? Tell her if she's not in school full time she needs to pay you rent. That will force her to get a job. Why are you bankrolling her? You need to stop coddling and light a fire under her ass. Tell her on June 1, she owes you $600 for June rent. She has all of May to get a job and start saving. money.

She prefers to stay home, and doesn’t want a job. She just doesn’t seem to understand why everyone is expected to have a job in life. She did defer admission/take a gap year, so she is able attend college in August, but has worries.

So do the traditional thing and keep her as the spinster daughter. She doesn't need a job but she is prohibited from dating from here on out. Her job is in the home, to take care of the house and her siblings, and eventually be your full time caregivers as you age. It's a fair choice with precedent. If that's not appealing, she need an alternate plan and that doesn't include support by you.

This. If she wants to stay home, stay single and keep house for the rest of her life, she sounds like a natural unpaid caregiver for your old age.

Good plan.
Clip her wings some more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll. Does her boyfriend know you expect him to support her unemployed self once they marry? It’s clear this is your plan.

What's wrong with that, if OP's DD boyfriend is fine with that?

[Anonymous]

OP it makes me so sad you have no hopes and dreams for your DD to accomplish anything in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 19. Last year she didn’t get into her top-choice college and after that lost interest in going at all, even though she got into other very good schools, just not the college she wanted.

At home, she’s great—very nice, respectful, helps around the house, close with her siblings, and we spend a lot of time together. We get along well. She also has a BF (he’s a nice kid, currently a 21yo college senior studying neuroscience) and she sees him regularly—they go out to dinner, spend time together on weekends and breaks, etc. She’ll also participate in family activities outside the house.

What’s changed is that she really doesn’t like leaving the house otherwise. We used to do things together all the time—run errands, go shopping, just normal day-to-day outings—and now she has no interest in that at all. She avoids some important things, like preferring telehealth instead of going to doctor appointments in person or putting off things that require her to go out.

She doesn’t seem depressed—she’s engaged at home and in a good mood overall. It’s more that she seems very content staying in unless it’s something she really wants/needs to do.

How concerning does this sound? Is this just a phase or something more concerning?

My best friend from college was like that. She lived at home for years. Was not very high achieving. Worked in a day care for a long time after college. Finally got an apartment around age 28 or so. Married around 31 or so to a guy she'd been dating forever. They had two kids. She stayed at home. When the kids were grown she went back to work as a paraeducator. Her husband was a teacher and finally a principal.

She has had a truly happy, good life. It just looks different from what we all may expect in this area. She knew herself well enough to be true to her needs and wants. I think she is a great role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or possibly just really bad anxiety. Her world is shrinking and you need to push to get her dx ed and treated.

This.

And if not a paying job this summer before she does go to college, then a regular schedule of volunteer work. She needs to be part of the outside world, and no just with the prop of her boyfriend by her side.