How rude is this or is this acceptable?

[Anonymous]

WHY DO YOU CARE?? Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the situation: at the Easter brunch table, there were 10 of us, and a couple who is getting married later this year; a relative asked the couple if they will have children right away. This relative is related to one person of the couple but hardly sees the person on an on-going basis, maybe once a year if that; this relative met the other person of this couple only once before. I think the question is quite rude. WDYT?

I think you must be relatively young. In previous generations this was a fairly normal question, which you just answered either truthfully or with something vague. The asker is making conversation and likely DGAF one way or the other.

So many things have become "rude" that once upon a time were just considered small talk.

Small talk is for strangers, amongst family people can be more straightforward.

Did you miss the part where it was a relative aka family who asked the question?

So many sensitive people on this site.

No shit... so they don't have to tap dance around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s incredibly rude and in my family and circles it always has been. A parent alone in private with their AC might ask generally, assuming they have a close relationship. You don’t ask anyone about their reproductive plans at the Easter table!

Same for my family and that rude question would receive an equally rude and seemingly earnest reply including details about sperm mobility and snot like mucousy ovulation even if all invented. You asked.

Or just say "haven't thought about it!" And move on.

[Anonymous]

I see both sides of these answers. When I was engaged, I was more than happy to tell anyone and everyone that I was hoping we would have kids sooner than later. When DH was not onboard with more than one, I could have been hurt when his 90yo grandmother would come up to me insisting I should have another, but I genuinely was able to find space to be HONEST and tell her I’d love to, it wasn’t me she needs to convince it is him. (YMMV but he changed his mind and now we have two.) We tried for a 3rd and final, but had multiple miscarriages that we didn’t tell most people about, before a late term loss. Now when people ask if I wanted another child or one of the opposite sex (We have two of the same.) I’m consciously honest and tell them yes. I do wish we did, I was pregnant and lost a baby and then we decided not to keep trying, but I do wish we had been able to have three. If they find that awkward as a response, that’s on them. So there’s my two cents. Ask the questions, speak your truths. Don’t you dare ask questions if you can’t handle complicated answers back. Especially at the dinner table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it's rude, but it falls into a "this is not your business" category. If I were the couple I'd answer the question with a question: "Why would you like to know?"

When I was deep into infertility I had a distant uncle drunkenly grill me at dinner, in front of a table full of people, about when I was having kids. I told him he'd be the first to know, with a big smile on my face. He got all flustered like "well I doubt that's true" and stammered away. But I was always glad I'd been able to shut him down about something that was deeply painful for me.

I think the presumption at asking atp is that the couple is celibate roughly and hasn’t been “trying” so they aren’t stepping into an infertility landline but making conversation. The answer of course is “we’re planning to have 10 kids so yes we plan to get started right away!” as happily as you can muster

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s kind of rude by today’s standards. If the relative was old then they are used to this kind of nosy question for young couples.

+1 I think it’s mostly a tongue in cheek way to see if they can make the woman blush. They couldn’t care less if you want a baby. They’re more interested in joking about the preamble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never ask people about this stuff. Like unless someone is clearly 38-40 weeks, don't even mention their pregnancy. Definitely never ask about plans.

That’s actually how I ask if I want to know. I ask them if they have any big plans for the next 3 months if they look 6 months pregnant or if they’re planning to travel or if they want to get drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For people who wouldn't ask that question, what do you talk about at the dinner table with relatives? I imagine politics, religion, anything personal is off the table so do you talk about sports, celebrities, or some other superficial topic for the entire time that you interact with your relatives?

Anything except their reproduction plans. None of their business and I would tell them so.

Anything?! Your family must be dysfunctional. This question would be acceptable but “how much do you spend on the wedding” or “who’s paying” or literally anything to do with money. Politics has become taboo in our family too - we have Bernie to Trump ardent supporters in our family and everything in between. (In in between and I cannot stand the conversations). Religion should be ok in most families, if they share the exact same religion. My parents and I don’t - they are very religious and I’m very agnostic. But my personal view is religion tell people to be good people and some people need that guidance, I don’t - but as long as we all have to same human values, it’s fine for me to be polite while they pray or tell me they will pray for me or whatever. I think about them too - just not through prayer.

And for the PP who asked what those of us talk about - kids, schools, activities, sports, current events, hobbies, work, etc - my whole family lives board games, movies, vacations, walks together. I often wonder if people who stick to the rude topics - money, religion, and politics - have nothing better to talk about.

Sports is off the table for my family literally have family in Texas and Philly. A mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never ask people about this stuff. Like unless someone is clearly 38-40 weeks, don't even mention their pregnancy. Definitely never ask about plans.

That’s actually how I ask if I want to know. I ask them if they have any big plans for the next 3 months if they look 6 months pregnant or if they’re planning to travel or if they want to get drinks.

Lol, that's pretty good actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s incredibly rude and in my family and circles it always has been. A parent alone in private with their AC might ask generally, assuming they have a close relationship. You don’t ask anyone about their reproductive plans at the Easter table!

Same for my family and that rude question would receive an equally rude and seemingly earnest reply including details about sperm mobility and snot like mucousy ovulation even if all invented. You asked.

Haha, I love you PP. This is also me, and I take it to the next level by asking said relative, always older, to tell us in detail about when they tried to get pregnant. Follow up questions about how regular their cycle was, and did they time sex or just leave it in Gods hands? The trick is to be earnest and curious. Do this once, and I guarantee that it will never happen again!

[Anonymous]

For people who wouldn't ask that question, what do you talk about at the dinner table with relatives? I imagine politics, religion, anything personal is off the table so do you talk about sports, celebrities,

None of the above. Travel. Food. New hobbies. Pre-existing hobbies. Books. Music. Etc...

I'm not interested in my relatives family planning. If you want to make your family planning the topic, fine.

or some other superficial topic for the entire time that you interact with your relatives?

"So, are you trying for a baby?"

"Actually we just suffered a miscarriage. Really nasty one. Can I pass you the yams?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For people who wouldn't ask that question, what do you talk about at the dinner table with relatives? I imagine politics, religion, anything personal is off the table so do you talk about sports, celebrities,

None of the above. Travel. Food. New hobbies. Pre-existing hobbies. Books. Music. Etc...

I'm not interested in my relatives family planning. If you want to make your family planning the topic, fine.

or some other superficial topic for the entire time that you interact with your relatives?

"So, are you trying for a baby?"

"Actually we just suffered a miscarriage. Really nasty one. Can I pass you the yams?"

No works just fine here. You can't control other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the situation: at the Easter brunch table, there were 10 of us, and a couple who is getting married later this year; a relative asked the couple if they will have children right away. This relative is related to one person of the couple but hardly sees the person on an on-going basis, maybe once a year if that; this relative met the other person of this couple only once before. I think the question is quite rude. WDYT?

I think you must be relatively young. In previous generations this was a fairly normal question, which you just answered either truthfully or with something vague. The asker is making conversation and likely DGAF one way or the other.

So many things have become "rude" that once upon a time were just considered small talk.

Small talk is for strangers, amongst family people can be more straightforward.

it is no one else's business!!! You simply don't ask people this, even relatives. Even if you are the future grandparents, it's none of your business

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never ask people about this stuff. Like unless someone is clearly 38-40 weeks, don't even mention their pregnancy. Definitely never ask about plans.

That’s actually how I ask if I want to know. I ask them if they have any big plans for the next 3 months if they look 6 months pregnant or if they’re planning to travel or if they want to get drinks.

I usually just let people tell me they're pregnant if they decide they want me to know they're pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For people who wouldn't ask that question, what do you talk about at the dinner table with relatives? I imagine politics, religion, anything personal is off the table so do you talk about sports, celebrities, or some other superficial topic for the entire time that you interact with your relatives?

You talk about life, and what others wish to share about.

You ask how their job is, or how the kids are (if they have them), but you don't ask them "when are you having another kid or your first kid" because it's really not your business. If they want you to know they will choose when to share it