Reply to Struggling with the limbo of DH’s sort-of estrangement

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If he had a friend who treated him the way his parents do, would it be this hard for you to support him? Have you asked him where he is with things? Are you afraid of just repeating the cycle over and over, or are you afraid this is truly the end of their relationship? Do you hope they will repair things and what do you think that could look like realistically?[/quote]
OP here.

I am afraid the cycle will repeat forever.

To clarify for other posters, and to you, we have discussed this. He has said, and repeated, that he’s done unless they can make changes to their behavior. When I ask him to explain what that would look like, he can’t, and just explains that the need to change their behavior. I understand what the behavior is, so it makes sense. But I know they will never change, so I wonder why he thinks they can or will. It feels like a placeholder, like [b]if he keeps saying “if they change”, then he doesn’t have to accept cutting them off forever[/b]. It just feels like the door is cracked for them to get in, and it is very unsettling. [/quote]

It's exactly this. He hopes they will change, even if he knows deep down they never will. And honestly, you don't know that they won't. One of them could die and the other would change - that happened with my best friend and her in-laws. The MIL had been the instigator and the FIL just followed her lead. She died unexpectedly and now they have a relationship with the FIL. So you don't know more than your husband does about what his parents are capable of, and you don't get to tell him to give up hope that things will get better. That's for him to hold on to (and he can address that in therapy if he wants/needs to). You should just support him - right now you have what you want - and frankly, expecting him to close the door, lock it, and throw away the key is incredibly unrealistic. So you just need to become ok with that. [/quote]

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