Calling people who found the strength to leave an abusive marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

You don't have any friends or family who would loan you money to speak with an attorney? I'd do that for a friend in an abusive marriage in a heartbeat.

I was in a similar situation as OP and similarly didn’t have help.

It’s hard to see how cruel the world can be. Bless you.

[Anonymous]

I was forced to do this when he tried to kill us all by driving our car into telephone poles and then slammed both of us in a doorway.

He was arrested & convicted. He got every other weekend and for years was an incredibly bad Dad. Left our child home alone at night. Why someone didn't call the cops is beyond me.

Then he got an abusive girlfriend and together they tortured our child as the scape goat. Until she accused him of rape and had him arrested in front of our child.

Since then he's been healthier, but I won't lie, that was a really awful time in my life. I had great jobs that paid a lot of money to pay my legal bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

You start by calling the police. Have you called the police?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

You start by calling the police. Have you called the police?

OP, please don't do anything like this without first calling a domestic violence hot-line and getting advice from people who know what they're taking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

I was pregnant with my second and realized it was now or never. I got a lot of help from my family and some lifelong friends. Nonetheless, it was terrifying. The first judge I saw for a TRO was awful, but he was awful to a woman ahead of me with blood still in her hair. I felt like if she could speak up, so could I.

You can do this!

[Anonymous]

I worked with the family justice center in PG County. Group and indibiduql support (free). PG had a first months rent and deposit for victims. I couldn't use it because I was spiraling out of control and ended up moving back home for a time.

I left when it became clear he was going to try to kill me. I tried to get a job, but he kept blocking it. Then, I just took one. It was rough. I didn't make enough to live alone. My retirement is gone. My PTSD, anxiety, and depression were bad. I struggled to stay employed. I had to heal physical and neurological wounds. And emotional ones. I still have PNES seizures when I get super stressed. I lost custody because he had money and I did not. And I was struggling after the abuse. It is common with abuse victims.

Take your kids with you. Move near family and friends if you can. Don't go back. He will try to get you back to get control of the kids. I am 10 years out and still need some support. Last year was awful, but I get stronger every year.

I am alive. I am not a Dateline story. I focus on simple ways yo live a happy life. Low-stress job. Good food. Friends. Hobbies. Nature. Exercise. It takes yime. You need to be in a safe place before you can start to feel normal emotions again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

You start by calling the police. Have you called the police?

Yeah really brilliant idea to call the police on the person you live with who will be jailed overnight and released back to your shared home. What happens next I wonder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can do this. I left when my kids were the same age. I also called the hotline several times. Do not let the fear of 50-50 custody keep you stuck. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. Get them in therapy too. My kids never spent any time with him after I left and even though the custody evaluator from court recommended 50-50, ex gave up all custody so he could pay zero child support. I know this is not the norm. He does not deserve your presence in your life.

It is actually quite common for abusive men to abandon their kids when they cannot use them to control the mother (which is their primary interest).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I’ll start with asking family for money. I don’t want to worry them. I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds. I’ll also call a local DV center. I do keep meticulous hand notes with dates and I have started hitting the record button when he and I talk. Just to help me feel less crazy when he gaslights me.

Is your family abusive or untrustworthy? If not, please tell them. I had parents that I could not trust to help me when I was in a bad relationship years ago. I’m working so hard to try to be a parent my child will trust. If your family is trustworthy, TELL THEM. They will want to do all they can to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I’ll start with asking family for money. I don’t want to worry them. I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds. I’ll also call a local DV center. I do keep meticulous hand notes with dates and I have started hitting the record button when he and I talk. Just to help me feel less crazy when he gaslights me.

Is your family abusive or untrustworthy? If not, please tell them. I had parents that I could not trust to help me when I was in a bad relationship years ago. I’m working so hard to try to be a parent my child will trust. If your family is trustworthy, TELL THEM. They will want to do all they can to help.

I agree with this. My aunt and I moved my cousin out into my home over a weekend while her husband was away and filed a tro shortly after. We helped her financially, logistically and emotionally. She’s doing great now and her ex almost never sees his child. If you trust your family and they’re not the kinds of people who will bring more drama, you should think about telling them.