Calling people who found the strength to leave an abusive marriage

[Anonymous]

The final straw was actually small, in terms of all the things I did, but it was the moment I realized it was never going to get better. I didn’t have external support and I had no money, and it was a huge risk to leave, but I did leave and my life is a million times better today for it.

You can do it, I believe in you, internet stranger. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

If you want help, answer the questions posed thus far, OP. Age of kids? Abuse is Emotional, physical or both? Do you work? Do you have family?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I had no money and simply moved out of the house for safety reasons. I did get beat up a few times as I went back at his invitation and to see the child. Moving out and not seeing my kid was still better than living in the abuse. He had pulled a gun on me and more. I hope yours is not as bad.
I went about it without a lawyer or spending any money as I had none. I also never got the free legal help everyone talked about. The need was simply to grand. I wasted so much time and had hope going from one legal clinic to another. Judge made it all quite fair in the end.
Court did not held it against me that I moved out. It was not my house.They seemed sure I had my reasons. No mother leaves their kids voluntarily.
Cannot give advice as I'm glad I even survived. My second partnership, I left that child behind again. The reason I left my kids behind both times was their safety and my own. I got so much crap for that. My safety was mostly at stake with first marriage, and my kid's safety was at stake with my partnership had I dared to fight for DC.
So much of it depends on how much your DH wants to fight. I didn't fight at all. Judge was pissed at him for arguing.
My partner ended up killing himself as I simply didn't engage. So, I never got to go to court to ask to see my kid.
It's such a mess altogether unfortunately. It's like both thought having the kids gave them power. Not so fast, but it takes time to get them back.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all! Following. My kids are 10 and 12. I do work but I just don’t have any financial privacy. I like the public library idea. I have family I can borrow money from.

[Anonymous]

Borrow money and meet with two lawyers. Talk to a domestic violence agency if this is part of the issue. Get a plan. Find a place to live. Sign papers on a lease. Find out from HR what paperwork you need to change the account where your paycheck goes to and figure out the timing so you can have your next paycheck go to your new account as soon as you file and move. Find out from the lawyer if you can take half the money you hold in savings the day you leave. Turn off tracking on your phone while you meet with lawyers, look at places to live, etc. Get copies of all your financial stuff. Start moving stuff he won’t notice to your relatives or a friend (birth certificates, passports, jewelry, etc). Get a credit card just in your name and use your family member’s mailing address.

There is all kinds of stuff you can probably do if you are able to leave the house to run errands, visit family, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm in this situation now, too. It is very hard. We can do this. I have called the hotline several times, just for help with specific things. Sending support your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind. I need help. I am slowly dying inside as I cannot seem to work up the strength to leave an abusive marriage. We have two kids. If you’ve been there and got out, how did you do it? Walk me through it. What was the final straw? What mantras did you use? Where did you start? How did you start? What was the first step? Did you ever want to give up and just stay and how did you stay strong if so?

I have no financial privacy so please don’t suggest talking to an attorney as I cannot do that 😞

You don't have any friends or family who would loan you money to speak with an attorney? I'd do that for a friend in an abusive marriage in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you can do this and come out better on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for domestic violence center

You don't need a last straw. You just need a decision.

This.
What’s the hold up?

Have some compassion. She has kids that she's scared will be left with him 50% of the time, and either has no money of her own or her husband exerts such control that she can't freely spend her own money.

But he WILL end up with them 50% of the time, more than likely.

I don’t say this to be crass, but OP, do you have any paper trail of the abuse?

You really need to speak with a lawyer. A consult is free. If you’re going to borrow money from family, this is where you start. You need to understand your options, and also your realities. I don’t say this to scare you, but to inform you.

Do you work and have your own income? Do you have a place to stay as soon as your STBX is served? I think the most important thing is realizing that it’s very possible he WILL have the children a percentage of time, especially if you can’t provide documented proof of the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reach out to your local domestic violence center for help. Leaving is the most dangerous time and they can help you plan.

This.

It is what they do every day.

You can call or visit it go online, but leave no evidence.

They can absolutely help you. It will be the best thing you ever did for your health and your children’s future.

We believe in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1 for domestic violence center

You don't need a last straw. You just need a decision.

This.
What’s the hold up?

Get educated before you get sanctimonious.

[Anonymous]

Good psychologists will have lawyer recommendations in the area, ask them for a couple who “get it.”

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I’ll start with asking family for money. I don’t want to worry them. I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds. I’ll also call a local DV center. I do keep meticulous hand notes with dates and I have started hitting the record button when he and I talk. Just to help me feel less crazy when he gaslights me.

[Anonymous]

Good. Get those records to a safe place out of the house. Somewhere he can't see or destroy them.

[Anonymous]

You can do this. I left when my kids were the same age. I also called the hotline several times. Do not let the fear of 50-50 custody keep you stuck. You need to do this for yourself and your kids. Get them in therapy too. My kids never spent any time with him after I left and even though the custody evaluator from court recommended 50-50, ex gave up all custody so he could pay zero child support. I know this is not the norm. He does not deserve your presence in your life.