Her Over Him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

Yes, why should a dad parent 50% of the time like he’s supposed to??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

NP. So Dad is "entitled to move" but mom also "didn't allow him to be involved"? The mental gymnastics are laughable.

Sorry that women hate you. You should find a hobby (other than harassing women on this board).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

NP. So Dad is "entitled to move" but mom also "didn't allow him to be involved"? The mental gymnastics are laughable.

Sorry that women hate you. You should find a hobby (other than harassing women on this board).

You hate men and I really hope you don't have kids, especially sons as your behavior is toxic. Yes, Dad is allowed to move. This is fake. Mom changes her story - he's supposed to be at doctors appointments but move away. If she wants him to take the kid on vacation, ask him. Don't make him jump through hoops and beg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

Yes, why should a dad parent 50% of the time like he’s supposed to??

He can - he can have summers, holidays, long weekends....

Why is it ok for mom's to move away with the kids but not dad's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

Yes, why should a dad parent 50% of the time like he’s supposed to??

If he has 50-50 she can put him on a plan and go visit. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

That’s nice, but Grandpa and Uncles should also be calling dad out and telling him to start showing up and show responsibility. Pressure from elder men has always been a factor in upholding good communities and families.

Your kids are super lucky that these men have chosen to engage. Many moms don’t have that privilege- such as Grandpa is dead, and in-laws live far away or prefer to ignore the damage their son has done

I'm the original poster on this topic. Grandpa and Uncles (from my side; the former in-laws are totally disengaged) have come to the same conclusion I have: Dad is what he is, and he's never going to change. I don't need to spell it out here. A few of the dads on DS's sports team tried to call him out, but that's only because they don't know him well enough. They apply the standard of a parent who cares, and the concept of moving thousands of miles away from their son is unfathomable. But that's not who we are dealing with. His dad is his dad. I pick up the pieces and lean into family, friends, coaches, whoever. So many in his life care. We are privileged in that sense.

[Anonymous]

I still can't get past "support for PSAT and AP." Back off!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

Yes, why should a dad parent 50% of the time like he’s supposed to??

If he has 50-50 she can put him on a plan and go visit. Simple.

Wow, here lurk the incels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

Yes, why should a dad parent 50% of the time like he’s supposed to??

He can - he can have summers, holidays, long weekends....

Why is it ok for mom's to move away with the kids but not dad's?

He moved to another county that takes over 15 hours to travel to each way so long weekends are not an option. Why are you so quick to defend a father’s choice to move away from his child without even knowing any of the facts? It’s as simple as this: he followed his latest GF to her country of origin. Some people care more about themselves than their children. You can’t force a narcissistic to care about other people, not even their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

That’s nice, but Grandpa and Uncles should also be calling dad out and telling him to start showing up and show responsibility. Pressure from elder men has always been a factor in upholding good communities and families.

Your kids are super lucky that these men have chosen to engage. Many moms don’t have that privilege- such as Grandpa is dead, and in-laws live far away or prefer to ignore the damage their son has done

I'm the original poster on this topic. Grandpa and Uncles (from my side; the former in-laws are totally disengaged) have come to the same conclusion I have: Dad is what he is, and he's never going to change. I don't need to spell it out here. A few of the dads on DS's sports team tried to call him out, but that's only because they don't know him well enough. They apply the standard of a parent who cares, and the concept of moving thousands of miles away from their son is unfathomable. But that's not who we are dealing with. His dad is his dad. I pick up the pieces and lean into family, friends, coaches, whoever. So many in his life care. We are privileged in that sense.

I am OP.... I don't know who this is...this is grandpa lady. Grandpa lady and OP are two different people.

Anyways- Custody is joint for those wondering, but all responsibility falls on me. That doctors appointment was scheduled during dad's time, but who ended up taking the virtual appointment with DS? Me! From my office! Good thing for zoom, because DS was at his dads being left to rot while dad went to work and forgot/didn't care about the psych apt after spending the previous week vacationing with the girlfriend. He could remember to take off for his vacation, but couldn't remember to take off the following Monday for his kids doctors appointment.

My comment about SATs/PSATs; Basic support. Being home long enough to provide stability, not dragging the kid to pre-planned dad activities to show him off like a trophy. Paying for test prep? PSSHHHH I would never expect that! It's a given I'll need to do the research, initiate and pay for that. My only expectation is that the tutoring plan is followed through with during dad's time. Whenever DS is with dad, extracurriculars get skipped, tutoring gets missed etc. DS finally had a come to jesus moment where he realized dad's never going to change and will always put himself and his agenda first.

DS had sports try outs a few weekends ago and thanks to Qustodio I noticed they arrived to the field 45 min from where we live and left within minutes... The story I got- After driving 45min across town, we arrived to the field and couldn't find it so we turned around and went home.... I said nobody thought to email/call the coach? Walk onto the field and ask someone? Incompetence aside, I said a normal parent would guide you into problem solving because they know its important to you...not take the easy out and turn around because it was inconvenient in the first place.

Needless to say DS was upset he missed try outs. Since I wrote this post, DS has been living with me exclusively. Dad came home from his vacation and didn't share anything about it. DS didn't ask and dad didn't share. He confessed to me that that was his last straw and that it was really eye opening how unhealthy and unproductive his relationship with dad is.

Should make for a great college essay someday.