Her Over Him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

[Anonymous]

I read the OP twice, and I can't figure out what is happening. I hope OP comes back to clarify what she means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

Just ignore these trolls. There are some real sad sack divorced dads/incel types that hang out here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

It's pretty normal to vacation more with your SO than with your kids when you don't have full custody. And, I can't see how missing a doctor's appointment and AP/SAT prep support is a big deal at all. You're looking for something to complain about and grasping. If he had custody during winter and spring breaks, maybe that would be worthy of hard feelings. But, one of the benefits of a split custody situation is that you get to have an adult life when you don't have your kids.

[Anonymous]

A lot of deadbeat dad apologists in this thread.
It’s so sad to watch a former thriving kid retreat into themselves due to the withdrawal of love and support from a dad. But it’s an uncomfortable situation so most people just avert their eyes and say oh that’s the mom‘s job. But then you definitely see diverging outcomes of the successful young adults from a 2 parent household vs the struggling young adults where the dad left (eating disorders, lack of self advocacy, relationship struggles, difficulty completing college or jobs). And don’t tell me the few anecdotes that show otherwise. Stats prove it- read The Two Parent Advantage- it shows wage, education, job, relationship statistical advantages of kids from a 2 parent home.

Society – hold these loser dads accountable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

That’s nice, but Grandpa and Uncles should also be calling dad out and telling him to start showing up and show responsibility. Pressure from elder men has always been a factor in upholding good communities and families.

Your kids are super lucky that these men have chosen to engage. Many moms don’t have that privilege- such as Grandpa is dead, and in-laws live far away or prefer to ignore the damage their son has done

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

It's pretty normal to vacation more with your SO than with your kids when you don't have full custody. And, I can't see how missing a doctor's appointment and AP/SAT prep support is a big deal at all. You're looking for something to complain about and grasping. If he had custody during winter and spring breaks, maybe that would be worthy of hard feelings. But, one of the benefits of a split custody situation is that you get to have an adult life when you don't have your kids.

Another excuse.
So, I(mom) now take the kids on 2 or 3 vacations\trips per year, college visits, almost all Dr appts., surgery, most social activities- all while working and earning twice as much as loser dad.
While he only takes kids once/yr to see his family(grandparents etc) where they can all pretend like they everything is fine and he is an engaged dad). Then he goes on memory’s other trips with the mistresss and her kids. And on his weekends with our kids, always drags them to outings with the mistresss and her kids.
Way to make his own kids feel unworthy and like 2nd class citizens. Yep, dad prefers these new little kids to me- so there must be something wrong with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read the OP twice, and I can't figure out what is happening. I hope OP comes back to clarify what she means.

I am not OP. However, OP obviously means her ex prioritizes his current girlfriend over their son. For example, he vacations with his current girlfriend regularly but has only been on one vacation with their son, years ago. OP is complaining that the recent trips means the ex missed a doc appt and support for PSATs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of deadbeat dad apologists in this thread.
It’s so sad to watch a former thriving kid retreat into themselves due to the withdrawal of love and support from a dad. But it’s an uncomfortable situation so most people just avert their eyes and say oh that’s the mom‘s job. But then you definitely see diverging outcomes of the successful young adults from a 2 parent household vs the struggling young adults where the dad left (eating disorders, lack of self advocacy, relationship struggles, difficulty completing college or jobs). And don’t tell me the few anecdotes that show otherwise. Stats prove it- read The Two Parent Advantage- it shows wage, education, job, relationship statistical advantages of kids from a 2 parent home.

Society – hold these loser dads accountable!

Actually a lot of studies show children can thrive as long as they have a secure attachment to one involved parent. A lot of the studies that get called out about bad outcomes under single moms point to factors like poverty and instability. If a single mom is posting on dcum this probably doesn’t apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

That’s nice, but Grandpa and Uncles should also be calling dad out and telling him to start showing up and show responsibility. Pressure from elder men has always been a factor in upholding good communities and families.

Your kids are super lucky that these men have chosen to engage. Many moms don’t have that privilege- such as Grandpa is dead, and in-laws live far away or prefer to ignore the damage their son has done

Look, these dead beat dads don’t care. You can waste your time fighting with him and crying about it or you can keep it moving and pull it together for your kids. Your choice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it. When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff. My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up. We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.

Not about your ex. And, it sounds like you replaced dad and probably did not allow dad to be involved.

LMAO. No, he had 50% custody when he decided to follow his latest GF, now wife, across the world and bail on our kid. But it's not about him. It's my fault, right? I'm the problem.

He’s entitled to move. Your son can fly out to visit. Why don’t you let him? The vacation is fine. You sound like you don’t support contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read the OP twice, and I can't figure out what is happening. I hope OP comes back to clarify what she means.

I am not OP. However, OP obviously means her ex prioritizes his current girlfriend over their son. For example, he vacations with his current girlfriend regularly but has only been on one vacation with their son, years ago. OP is complaining that the recent trips means the ex missed a doc appt and support for PSATs.

Op is fake. First she complains about a vacation, then says dad is across the world. He couldn’t do psat or doctor id around the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

It's pretty normal to vacation more with your SO than with your kids when you don't have full custody. And, I can't see how missing a doctor's appointment and AP/SAT prep support is a big deal at all. You're looking for something to complain about and grasping. If he had custody during winter and spring breaks, maybe that would be worthy of hard feelings. But, one of the benefits of a split custody situation is that you get to have an adult life when you don't have your kids.

Another excuse.
So, I(mom) now take the kids on 2 or 3 vacations\trips per year, college visits, almost all Dr appts., surgery, most social activities- all while working and earning twice as much as loser dad.
While he only takes kids once/yr to see his family(grandparents etc) where they can all pretend like they everything is fine and he is an engaged dad). Then he goes on memory’s other trips with the mistresss and her kids. And on his weekends with our kids, always drags them to outings with the mistresss and her kids.
Way to make his own kids feel unworthy and like 2nd class citizens. Yep, dad prefers these new little kids to me- so there must be something wrong with me.

How available do you make the kids to him!