Her Over Him

[Anonymous]

No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know?

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread is bizarre. Do you struggle with communication op?

Anyway, do you have 50/50 or some other arrangement?

I personally have had to practice radical acceptance of what my coparent is like, for my own sanity. I can’t change him, but what I can do is make sure my child has one dedicated parent that will always choose them first.

[Anonymous]

Get therapy for your son. He will have to deal with this for the rest of his life or as long as he chooses to.

[Anonymous]

How is your minor child vacationing with his girlfriend and missing school without your permission?

[Anonymous]

This is super strange. Does he have 50-50? What is the custody arrangement? Does he have to ask you for permission to travel and see his son and you've regularly said no? Have you or the son expressed interest in him spending more time? Why does a 15 year old need dad to go to the doctor? I always take my son alone except if I'm sick. Why does dad need to support for AP/SAT? If kid is struggling, get him a tutor. Plenty of affortable ones online. Can dad even help with that? Most parents don't.

Instead of complaining, talk to him and make it easier for him to see his son/participate in his life without having to beg you (of which he probably gave up).

[Anonymous]

Is ds traveling with his dads new girlfriend (and dad I assume, but please clarify if not) or ds’s new girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Dad is vacationing without DS...that was a typo.

[Anonymous]

this is poorly written. I can't tell what you re talking about.

but if you are complaining that your ex is vacationing with his girlfriend, you need to get a life. that's normal. he's not your husband anymore. you can't control him and demand he go to a fifteen year old's doctors appointment (huh? I went to my own appts at that age) instead of toe Bermuda with his girlfriend.

son sounds ok so stop trying to make him feel bad about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is poorly written. I can't tell what you re talking about.

but if you are complaining that your ex is vacationing with his girlfriend, you need to get a life. that's normal. he's not your husband anymore. you can't control him and demand he go to a fifteen year old's doctors appointment (huh? I went to my own appts at that age) instead of toe Bermuda with his girlfriend.

son sounds ok so stop trying to make him feel bad about it.

A parent should go but she has full custody. If she want him to spend more time she needs to communicate and help make it happen. If she said no because he had other things, she cannot complain dad went without him as why not if he cannot see his son.

[Anonymous]

Stop telling your son how bad of a father he has. Don't sh*t-talk him.

[Anonymous]

My entire life my dad never went to a doctor’s appointment with me. He also traveled a lot for business. I grew up in the era where grades belonged to me and I can’t imagine “needing support” for PSAT or AP or whatever. Finding this post very strange. Sounds like the mom (ex-wife) has the issues and is putting them on the son. Knock it off before he’s completely messed up for life.

[Anonymous]

Why should he bother with his dad at this point? Let him practice developing healthy relationships with people who want to spend time with him, rather than chasing after his dad.

[Anonymous]

You are babying your son way too much. You're just as much to blame for his self esteem issues as Dad is.

[Anonymous]

I also don’t understand this post. OP, were you drunk? Can you try again?

[Anonymous]

My son's father and I split when he was 14. He stopped being a parent at that time and immediately started a new family. It's been ten years and my adult son is thriving and has a very superficial relationship with his dad. He seems to be at peace with it. He's closer to his father's parents (his grandparents) and spends a lot more time with them than his dad- he's just not a priority to his dad.

Support your kid, don't talk badly about his father (but don't make excuses for him either), don't show disappointment or any other emotions when the dad cancels or isn't there. Just continue being the responsible adult he can rely on. The more disappointed you are the more he will be. Don't make a big deal out of it and avoid any snide comments- and certainly don't point out how your son is no longer a consideration to his dad. Take it in stride. Your son will follow your lead.