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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No matter who "she" is, my DS's father always chooses her over him. It's been a pattern since the day he was born. Now that DS is older, it's much more apparent to both DS and I, but I can't get DS to set higher standards for himself. Example- DS has only been on 1 vacation with dad over 15 years. DS has now vacationed twice with new girlfriend in the past 6 months. The first vacation came at the expense of participating in a doctors appointment and Winter break/Christmas, the 2nd vacation came at the expense of easter and supporting DS during AP/SAT prep. DS acknowledged this, but mostly brushed it off. He compartmentalizes a lot. Speaking of, DS has a habit of not putting himself first, speaking up, being the squeaky wheel, setting standards for himself. It's affecting his confidence big time. It kills me to watch this happen in slow motion. We've all read the book and seen the movie ya know? [/quote]

Same. It's never going to change, so accept it and make the best of it.  When my ex moved thousands of miles away, my dad stepped up big time with phone calls, texts, and flying in for sports stuff.  My brother and BIL have also stepped up in small ways, like including DS on a camping trip. Some of his sports coaches and team dads also stepped up.  We basically avoid talking about and drawing attention to his dad's absence, and try to show DS as much love as we can.  [/quote]
That’s nice, but Grandpa and Uncles should also be calling dad out and telling him to start showing up and show responsibility. Pressure from elder men has always been a factor in upholding good communities and families.

Your kids are super lucky that these men have chosen to engage. Many moms don’t have that privilege- such as Grandpa is dead, and in-laws live far away or prefer to ignore the damage their son has done [/quote]

I'm the original poster on this topic.  Grandpa and Uncles (from my side; the former in-laws are totally disengaged) have come to the same conclusion I have: Dad is what he is, and he's never going to change.  I don't need to spell it out here.  A few of the dads on DS's sports team tried to call him out, but that's only because they don't know him well enough.  They apply the standard of a parent who cares, and the concept of moving thousands of miles away from their son is unfathomable.   But that's not who we are dealing with.  His dad is his dad.  I pick up the pieces and lean into family, friends, coaches, whoever.  So many in his life care.  We are privileged in that sense. [/quote]

I am OP.... I don't know who this is...this is grandpa lady. Grandpa lady and OP are two different people.

Anyways- Custody is joint for those wondering, but all responsibility falls on me. That doctors appointment was scheduled during dad's time, but who ended up taking the virtual appointment with DS? Me! From my office! Good thing for zoom, because DS was at his dads being left to rot while dad went to work and forgot/didn't care about the psych apt after spending the previous week vacationing with the girlfriend. He could remember to take off for his vacation, but couldn't remember to take off the following Monday for his kids doctors appointment.

My comment about SATs/PSATs; Basic support. Being home long enough to provide stability, not dragging the kid to pre-planned dad activities to show him off like a trophy. Paying for test prep? PSSHHHH I would never expect that! It's a given I'll need to do the research, initiate and pay for that. My only expectation is that the tutoring plan is followed through with during dad's time. Whenever DS is with dad, extracurriculars get skipped, tutoring gets missed etc. DS finally had a come to jesus moment where he realized dad's never going to change and will always put himself and his agenda first.

DS had sports try outs a few weekends ago and thanks to Qustodio I noticed they arrived to the field 45 min from where we live and left within minutes... The story I got- After driving 45min across town, we arrived to the field and couldn't find it so we turned around and went home.... I said nobody thought to email/call the coach? Walk onto the field and ask someone? Incompetence aside, I said a normal parent would guide you into problem solving because they know its important to you...not take the easy out and turn around because it was inconvenient in the first place.

Needless to say DS was upset he missed try outs. Since I wrote this post, DS has been living with me exclusively. Dad came home from his vacation and didn't share anything about it. DS didn't ask and dad didn't share. He confessed to me that that was his last straw and that it was really eye opening how unhealthy and unproductive his relationship with dad is.

Should make for a great college essay someday. [/quote]

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