Lottery Etiquette

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For elementary school school lottery, we only told a few friends of the lottery results, no one at our existing IB school. Told friends at IB school in the weeks leading up to the new school year. Told our kids the week before school started.
For middle school, we told our kid that night, and discretely told friends in the weeks after, mainly trying to figure out who would be joining at the new school (BASIS). But don't do what some of the 4th grade parents did on our school's WhatsApp group - broadcast to the whole grade who got into Latin or how high their kid's spot was on the waitlist.

I’m the PP who opted for honesty - I think it’s crappy to not tell the other elementary families until August. What is your rationale for that?

[Anonymous]

My annual refrain: releasing the results before school starts on Friday is awful. I wish the results were released midday Friday.

This was my position before my child was in 4th grade, but the experience that year solidified my position. My child spent the whole day being told by one friend after another that the friend was going somewhere else for 5th grade. It was gutting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For elementary school school lottery, we only told a few friends of the lottery results, no one at our existing IB school. Told friends at IB school in the weeks leading up to the new school year. Told our kids the week before school started.
For middle school, we told our kid that night, and discretely told friends in the weeks after, mainly trying to figure out who would be joining at the new school (BASIS). But don't do what some of the 4th grade parents did on our school's WhatsApp group - broadcast to the whole grade who got into Latin or how high their kid's spot was on the waitlist.

I’m the PP who opted for honesty - I think it’s crappy to not tell the other elementary families until August. What is your rationale for that?

I'm not the PP, but probably because you're not fully decided and can decline the match in favor of whatever your IB is. Or because of good waitlist numbers at other schools. Or family circumstances (considering move or divorce or something). Nobody has a right to this information.

[Anonymous]

If your kid is in 4th or 8th (or 5th if you’re at a school/in a neighborhood where DCI is a big draw), you have to tell them their own results and tell them to share or not as they wish but be honest and kind. Leaving your 4th or 8th grader unaware of their own position is setting them up for an awkward day where they say stupid things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For elementary school school lottery, we only told a few friends of the lottery results, no one at our existing IB school. Told friends at IB school in the weeks leading up to the new school year. Told our kids the week before school started.
For middle school, we told our kid that night, and discretely told friends in the weeks after, mainly trying to figure out who would be joining at the new school (BASIS). But don't do what some of the 4th grade parents did on our school's WhatsApp group - broadcast to the whole grade who got into Latin or how high their kid's spot was on the waitlist.

I’m the PP who opted for honesty - I think it’s crappy to not tell the other elementary families until August. What is your rationale for that?

Because there is/was a cohort of families who are judgmental of families who lottery out of the school. I didn't want to deal with that drama when we still had to see them every school day (it's a small school community).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends.

For the PK3 lottery I think it's helpful for people to share their results and situations (like what they ranked highest, if they are wait listed) because everyone is new to the process and it's part of how you learn. But you should always be sensitive about it, especially if you "win" the lottery. Others won't, and if you are seen as gloating, they will get annoyed with you.

As kids get older people tend to be slightly more circumspect, especially because choosing to lottery often indicates dissatisfaction with the school other people's kids attend. Also middle school lottery in DC is stressful because there are simply not enough spots available as the schools a lot of people want and many people have very tough choices to make if they don't get a lottery spot for MS.

In HS you have application schools, plus at that point the kids are taking the lead on school preferences and you need to be thoughtful about how the kids feel (again, especially kids who don't get spots at their desired school).

The lottery is a good time to practice empathy, be observant about how your situation might differ from someone else's (for instance some people have really weak IB options do more may ride on the lottery for them), and learn to talk about kids in a non-competitive and mutually supportive way. This is far from the last time those skills will come in handy with other parents.

Eh. I would say that this is an opportunity to begin the essential process of being less fixated on “wins” for your kid. You cannot really predict the future. I was devastated when my kid “lost” the K lottery but the IB school ended up being excellent for K. Similarly bummed to “lose” for MS but again IB worked really well. Believe it or not it is possible to be chill about this stuff and you do not have to be a constant maximizer.

That's great for you but not everyone's IB works "really well." We were at out IB from PK3 though 2nd and it was a rough run for my kid, when we finally had lottery puck and got a spot at another DCPS.i wasn't "maximizing" to feel frustration and disappointment each year when we'd watch other families depart our IB, and the have to explain to our kid why a friend wouldn't be at our school anymore.

I bet your IB is a school a lot like where we ended up -- a good DCPS with an acceptable MS feed. I wish you understood how rare this is in DC.

You misunderstand. I’m talking about people who think they need to take exaggerated steps to conceal or carefully share that they “won” the lottery. Same as I assume you didn’t go around talking constantly about how much you wanted to get out of your “bad” IB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on-campus at Stuart-Hobson the day after results were released last year. The school was giddy. Lots of congratulations all around. That wasn't unusual for the school, but it was nice to deal with it as a parent and not a teacher.

That's great BUT I guarantee you there were kids at school that day masking disappointment at not getting a spot at their desired application school, and likely doubly sad because so many of their classmates were excited -- their friends will now be attending other schools.

NP. Yeah, but for an eighth grader that really feels with in the bounds of a reasonable negative life experience. Sadness happens. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. These kids aren’t made out of glass, they won’t break.

In early elem, I agree you mostly keep that close to the vest, kids aren’t ready to be involved in that decision or even the results really.

5/6th grade is the tougher one. They’re too old not to be in the mix, but young to deal with it.

I think it’s the opposite. kids get really invested in application high schools of their own volition but I doubt a 10 year old would care that much about the lottery (unless the parents made a huge deal about it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends.

For the PK3 lottery I think it's helpful for people to share their results and situations (like what they ranked highest, if they are wait listed) because everyone is new to the process and it's part of how you learn. But you should always be sensitive about it, especially if you "win" the lottery. Others won't, and if you are seen as gloating, they will get annoyed with you.

As kids get older people tend to be slightly more circumspect, especially because choosing to lottery often indicates dissatisfaction with the school other people's kids attend. Also middle school lottery in DC is stressful because there are simply not enough spots available as the schools a lot of people want and many people have very tough choices to make if they don't get a lottery spot for MS.

In HS you have application schools, plus at that point the kids are taking the lead on school preferences and you need to be thoughtful about how the kids feel (again, especially kids who don't get spots at their desired school).

The lottery is a good time to practice empathy, be observant about how your situation might differ from someone else's (for instance some people have really weak IB options do more may ride on the lottery for them), and learn to talk about kids in a non-competitive and mutually supportive way. This is far from the last time those skills will come in handy with other parents.

Eh. I would say that this is an opportunity to begin the essential process of being less fixated on “wins” for your kid. You cannot really predict the future. I was devastated when my kid “lost” the K lottery but the IB school ended up being excellent for K. Similarly bummed to “lose” for MS but again IB worked really well. Believe it or not it is possible to be chill about this stuff and you do not have to be a constant maximizer.

That's great for you but not everyone's IB works "really well." We were at out IB from PK3 though 2nd and it was a rough run for my kid, when we finally had lottery puck and got a spot at another DCPS.i wasn't "maximizing" to feel frustration and disappointment each year when we'd watch other families depart our IB, and the have to explain to our kid why a friend wouldn't be at our school anymore.

I bet your IB is a school a lot like where we ended up -- a good DCPS with an acceptable MS feed. I wish you understood how rare this is in DC.

You misunderstand. I’m talking about people who think they need to take exaggerated steps to conceal or carefully share that they “won” the lottery. Same as I assume you didn’t go around talking constantly about how much you wanted to get out of your “bad” IB.

I'm the PP who I think you identified as "maximizing" and I wasn't suggesting concealing lottery results. More I was suggesting sensitivity in situations where the people you are talking to might be facing tough decisions due to bad results. I have had friends text me excitedly with their results and "so how about you??" And would have preferred a more diplomatic approach. Obviously everyone finds out where everyone goes, but it's good to remember not everyone gets what hoped for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on-campus at Stuart-Hobson the day after results were released last year. The school was giddy. Lots of congratulations all around. That wasn't unusual for the school, but it was nice to deal with it as a parent and not a teacher.

That's great BUT I guarantee you there were kids at school that day masking disappointment at not getting a spot at their desired application school, and likely doubly sad because so many of their classmates were excited -- their friends will now be attending other schools.

NP. Yeah, but for an eighth grader that really feels with in the bounds of a reasonable negative life experience. Sadness happens. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. These kids aren’t made out of glass, they won’t break.

In early elem, I agree you mostly keep that close to the vest, kids aren’t ready to be involved in that decision or even the results really.

5/6th grade is the tougher one. They’re too old not to be in the mix, but young to deal with it.

I think it’s the opposite. kids get really invested in application high schools of their own volition but I doubt a 10 year old would care that much about the lottery (unless the parents made a huge deal about it).

They care in a different way. If you asked your average Hill 10 year old, they would enroll at their IBs. The reason they don't is because their parents are looking elsewhere. Winning /losng the lottery to a Cap Hill 4th grader is saying goodbye to half their grade or getting separated from best friends or the worse outcome, moving. They are aware of the decisions being made, but they aren't driving them.

[Anonymous]

Well the other way that high school is distinctly different is that for application schools it isn’t random, so a bad result feels not only disappointing but also like a negative judgement.

[Anonymous]

Don't be like this dad: your kid wins the lottery at a charter elementary, after lottery day you spend all the rest of the school year trashing your IB school to anyone who will listen, only to send your kid back to the IB school a few years later because the charter also did not satisfy you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the other way that high school is distinctly different is that for application schools it isn’t random, so a bad result feels not only disappointing but also like a negative judgement.

Nope. Walls is a lottery basically. They are no longer taking the brightest kid. So that’s that, not much different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the other way that high school is distinctly different is that for application schools it isn’t random, so a bad result feels not only disappointing but also like a negative judgement.

Nope. Walls is a lottery basically. They are no longer taking the brightest kid. So that’s that, not much different.

Well no. Latin's 9th grade seats are a lottery (with sibling preference). Walls is a lottery amongst those who meet the threshold criteria and complete the application process. So it is partly a performance judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We decided to be open and honest with other parents about lotterying this year. There's a pretty small, cohesive group of kids/parents at our IB who are middle class/upper middle class and send their kids to aftercare (aftercare is small at our school - they have space for everyone but it's less than 10% of kids that go) and we all basically know each other at this point (my kid is early elementary). There have been a few people who left over the years with some degree of not saying anything (never mentioned the lottery or a house hunt and all of a sudden in August, aren't going to be at school next year) and I think other people were a little hurt/bummed by that.

Sounds very much like the school we departed! I did not announce the fact that I had joined the lottery, but when one parent heard that my child would not be returning, they stopped speaking to me. It was five years ago, and they will not even look me in the eye if I pass them on the sidewalk. I believe in being discreet, but you will never please everyone with the decisions you make for your family.

Regarding telling the child, mine knew and was excited about the prospect of a new school. It was the COVID year, and nobody had been actually going to school that year anyway, so there was not the same sense of loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well the other way that high school is distinctly different is that for application schools it isn’t random, so a bad result feels not only disappointing but also like a negative judgement.

Nope. Walls is a lottery basically. They are no longer taking the brightest kid. So that’s that, not much different.

Well no. Latin's 9th grade seats are a lottery (with sibling preference). Walls is a lottery amongst those who meet the threshold criteria and complete the application process. So it is partly a performance judgment.

OK but the threshold is subjective (recommendations) and there is rampant grade inflation (grades) so it is not clear just how good that “performance” really is.

Also PP above said bad result which implies that the kid applied and didn’t get in. So at this point, it is a lottery.