Almost 13yo son– violent over video games, refusing meds. What now?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, people on this thread are beyond unhelpful in what is obviously a very difficult situation. I'm sorry, OP.

My parents divorced and I have a stepdad, and my brother and I were never violent. Everyone on this thread should stop assuming that the issue here is the divorce or the boyfriend. We don't know WHAT the issue is here, but most kids with divorced parents and mom with a boyfriend are not violent to the point that they've destroyed multiple TVs and mom is scared for her and her other child's safety. Come on!

So - OP, what is his diagnosis? You might want to start a separate, parallel thread on the Special Needs board about the diagnosis, refusal to take meds, and violence, to get some advice that isn't just "go back in time and have a successful marriage."

I think you need to find an excellent family therapist who can talk you through this - will he participate in therapy? If so, great. But at a minimum, you need an expert to guide you on how to parent a kid with this issue (whatever it is) and a tendency towards violence. Like the advice to call the police - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not, but a therapist in your area should know.

The other big problem is that you and your ex are not coparenting well together, at all. Is there any hope of bridging that gap? What's the source of the animosity (anger from the divorce, disagreements about parenting, money, the boyfriend, etc)? Is there ANY route to getting him into coparenting sessions? Is there something that you want that you could give him to get him into coparenting? Or something that he wants that you could give him to get him on board with taking away the video games (or making the son take his meds and participate in therapy to earn video game time)? For example, if he is mad about the child support/custody situation, could you "give in" in some way in exchange for his cooperation? If this refusal to play ball is related to your new boyfriend, would he go to co-parenting if you broke up with the boyfriend? Of course, you shouldn't have to do any of those things, but for me, everything would be on the table to get this kid back on track. I'm assuming your ex is allowing your kid unlimited video games/internet time, which is doing a ton of harm at this stage. Would your ex give up custody for a year in exchange for alimony? If your son just lives with you, he'd have no source of getting new video game consoles or TVs and you could deal with the violence as he went cold turkey, but then hopefully things would even out? I'm just spitballing here, and I'm not a professional - you need to figure this out with a psychologist or social worker.

Can you talk to his school? Do they have any advice?

You're in for an uphill battle with this kid, as you can see, and it's only going to get harder as he gets bigger, stronger, and older if something doesn't change, so time is not on your side - you need to act quickly. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

I think it's like alcoholism - you have to quit cold turkey and you (both) have to suffer the withdrawals.

Why can't you turn off wifi for his computer? You can set that at the router. We did that for the kid's phones when they were younger. My DS was getting angry after playing computer games, so we took that away.

I do agree with a PP that if you take away the game access you need to replace it with something else. IMO, he needs to let out energy. Does he do any kind of sports? He needs to be tired out.

Also agree with a PP that bringing in a BF in your home at this stage is not a good idea. Unfortunately, you need to think of what's best for your kid, not you.

When did the violence start? Be honest, and think long and hard about when the violence started.

He’s had a violence problem for a couple years now but it escalated these past few months.

did the violence start due to the divorce? I think he needed therapy years before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

You aren't helping your case. You caused this behavior, OP. The kid plays video games to escape. And outbursts are directly related to the breakup of his family unit and a reaction to being forced to live with some adult he likely resents or maybe even hates. My GOD you should not have moved a "partner" into your house with your young child.

I’m sorry, but I really had no other choice. Being a single mom is already hard, and being a single mom to a difficult boy is even harder. My boys just do not respect or listen to me, especially my 13 year old, due to their dad’s behavior.

You weren't a single mom. You already said there's a father in your son's life. By definition, that is not a single mom. Single moms have it hard. You're just a divorced mom. Who apparently decided to bring another adult in to live with your son.

[Anonymous]

Get that kid out of the house. Or get your other kid out of the house.

[Anonymous]

AI is not the problem for this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

He clearly doesn't respect you and knows he can bully you into doing what he wants. You need to do a hard reset, starting with turning off the wifi and enforcing no games for some amount of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

He clearly doesn't respect you and knows he can bully you into doing what he wants. You need to do a hard reset, starting with turning off the wifi and enforcing no games for some amount of time.

I'm the 15:16 poster - I would agree with this except - if he's got unlimited video games at his dad's and he comes to his mom's every other week, he's going to have to do this hard reset EVERY SINGLE TIME. It's not a hard reset if the video games are back and unlimited a week later. Hence my emphasis on - what can you do, if anything, to get Dad on the same team? Because you're right that he needs no games for some time (probably at least a month) but that isn't currently within the OP's locus of control.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t seem to want advice not sure why you posted. It’s not going to get magically better.

[Anonymous]

Check out the SPACE protocol and some Kazdin books.

You need to get rid of the gaming system entirely. Take it to your office and leave it there. Have a plan for how you will handle his reaction (even if that's just to call 911). Yes he will be angry and violent but he can't do that forever. Eventually he will tire.

[Anonymous]

Think what you will do if your partner breaks up with you. Because this is not enjoyable for him I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, people on this thread are beyond unhelpful in what is obviously a very difficult situation. I'm sorry, OP.

My parents divorced and I have a stepdad, and my brother and I were never violent. Everyone on this thread should stop assuming that the issue here is the divorce or the boyfriend. We don't know WHAT the issue is here, but most kids with divorced parents and mom with a boyfriend are not violent to the point that they've destroyed multiple TVs and mom is scared for her and her other child's safety. Come on!

So - OP, what is his diagnosis? You might want to start a separate, parallel thread on the Special Needs board about the diagnosis, refusal to take meds, and violence, to get some advice that isn't just "go back in time and have a successful marriage."

I think you need to find an excellent family therapist who can talk you through this - will he participate in therapy? If so, great. But at a minimum, you need an expert to guide you on how to parent a kid with this issue (whatever it is) and a tendency towards violence. Like the advice to call the police - I have no idea if that's a good idea or not, but a therapist in your area should know.

The other big problem is that you and your ex are not coparenting well together, at all. Is there any hope of bridging that gap? What's the source of the animosity (anger from the divorce, disagreements about parenting, money, the boyfriend, etc)? Is there ANY route to getting him into coparenting sessions? Is there something that you want that you could give him to get him into coparenting? Or something that he wants that you could give him to get him on board with taking away the video games (or making the son take his meds and participate in therapy to earn video game time)? For example, if he is mad about the child support/custody situation, could you "give in" in some way in exchange for his cooperation? If this refusal to play ball is related to your new boyfriend, would he go to co-parenting if you broke up with the boyfriend? Of course, you shouldn't have to do any of those things, but for me, everything would be on the table to get this kid back on track. I'm assuming your ex is allowing your kid unlimited video games/internet time, which is doing a ton of harm at this stage. Would your ex give up custody for a year in exchange for alimony? If your son just lives with you, he'd have no source of getting new video game consoles or TVs and you could deal with the violence as he went cold turkey, but then hopefully things would even out? I'm just spitballing here, and I'm not a professional - you need to figure this out with a psychologist or social worker.

Can you talk to his school? Do they have any advice?

You're in for an uphill battle with this kid, as you can see, and it's only going to get harder as he gets bigger, stronger, and older if something doesn't change, so time is not on your side - you need to act quickly. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions. About the co-parenting piece, Unfortunately, this isn’t a situation where we’re simply misaligned or need better communication.

My ex is still extremely angry about the divorce and has harassed me and my partner, spread lies to the kids, and made threats toward my family. When it comes to custody or parenting decisions, he often takes positions purely to oppose me, not because of what’s best for our son. This has been ongoing before and after I started dating my partner.

Because of that, I don’t believe there’s a realistic path to bargaining or trading things to gain cooperation. I wish that were possible, but it isn’t.
That’s why I’m focused on what I can control, get therapy for son, try to get him to take meds. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call the police every single time he destroyed anything.

+1

[Anonymous]

Take it all away, call the police when he rages - you’ll end up with a mandatory inpatient psych stay which is what you need at this point (ask me how I know).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

Any reason you don't marry this "partner?" This is a horrible role model situation for both of your kids.

I thought I’d want to hold it off till they were out of the house, but now that’s changed, since the escalation of violence. We plan on getting married soon.

Why would you hold off until they were out of the house in the first place?

Would you let Dad have custody full time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

I meant turn it off entirely minus what’s needed for schoolwork. He can be upset/unhappy about it.