Almost 13yo son– violent over video games, refusing meds. What now?

[Anonymous]

My almost 13-year-old son is completely addicted to video games. If I take them away, he becomes violent — he’s destroyed multiple TVs and controllers. He has explosive reactions, breaks things, and shows zero remorse afterward.

He refuses to take his medication. He openly says he doesn’t need to listen to me because I’m “just mom.” The disrespect is constant. I feel like I have no authority in my own home.

His dad does not enforce consequences at his house and actively undermines me. He tells the kids things about me and my partner (we’ve been together six years) that fuel the disrespect. So any structure or rules I try to set get completely unraveled.

[Anonymous]

I would call the police every single time he destroyed anything.

[Anonymous]

You should ask for this to be moved to the special needs board. What is his diagnosis?

Truthfully, this kid is likely going to live full time with his dad — which isn’t a good outcome for the kid, but may be the only way to keep yourself safe. Other option is inpatient. But you need to have $$ and your ex has to get on board, which I assume is a nonstarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would call the police every single time he destroyed anything.

that's not really helpful, unless you want CPS called.

You have to take the plunge and just remove ALL video games in the house. My now college aged DS would also get angry after playing computer games. We told them that we would take them away if they couldn't control their anger. So, we did. They had to slowly earn it back.

DS didn't break anything though, so it sounds like your case is much more difficult, especially with an ex who undermines you. I think he needs some therapy. He may have uncontrolled anger about other things, maybe the divorce? IDK, but it seems he needs some intervention.

[Anonymous]

You know the Sandy Hook shooter was the same way?

And did you see the story about the 11 year old who shot his sleeping father in the head when his Nintendo Switch?

Hopefully you don’t have any guns in the house.

[Anonymous]

I agree with calling the police. I did that once with my 13 year old daughter and they came with someone who specializes in mental crisis. I told the police that I was already working with a child psychiatrist. They talked with her very seriously but kindly and asked me if I wanted her to be put into a 72 hour hold. I did not but the whole experience let my daughter know that I have options even though I’m “just mom.”

CPS did not get involved at all.

[Anonymous]

Send him to dad's house and pay child support.

[Anonymous]

Your house is now video game free. Dad's house can be the video game house.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t bought him any video games so when he destroys one, he calls his dad to buy him another, and then brings it to my house. My partner and I aren’t married and we live together only part time ,as he travels for work, so I’m alone most of the time dealing with him. -OP

[Anonymous]

I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

[Anonymous]

Stop replacing them, get into therapy and if Dad is causing issues, talk to your attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

Your "partner" is not a parent. Your child needs more attention from you and should be your focus right now. Child needs individual therapy and you all need family thereapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call the police every single time he destroyed anything.

that's not really helpful, unless you want CPS called.

You have to take the plunge and just remove ALL video games in the house. My now college aged DS would also get angry after playing computer games. We told them that we would take them away if they couldn't control their anger. So, we did. They had to slowly earn it back.

DS didn't break anything though, so it sounds like your case is much more difficult, especially with an ex who undermines you. I think he needs some therapy. He may have uncontrolled anger about other things, maybe the divorce? IDK, but it seems he needs some intervention.

a) Why wouldn't I want CPS called?
b) been there, done that, and the cops never called CPS. Not one time. I actually wish they had. We needed help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

You aren't helping your case. You caused this behavior, OP. The kid plays video games to escape. And outbursts are directly related to the breakup of his family unit and a reaction to being forced to live with some adult he likely resents or maybe even hates. My GOD you should not have moved a "partner" into your house with your young child.

I’m sorry, but I really had no other choice. Being a single mom is already hard, and being a single mom to a difficult boy is even harder. My boys just do not respect or listen to me, especially my 13 year old, due to their dad’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Having been through raising a violent kid, I can tell you there are not a lot of resources. And what is out there probably won't work for you if you and your child's other parent aren't on the same page. But, here are a few.

If he's having issues at school, they may have some resources. Public schools deal with a lot of issues and tend to know what's available in the community.

The police are a great resource. However, you have to be prepared that your child could be placed in handcuffs and removed from your house - even if just to get him to a hospital. But they are good at deescalating situations.

You could try a hospital ER. However, it is really tough to get an involuntary 72 hour hold on a kid that young. They are going to want parental permission and that would mean your ex could remove him once he learns where your child is. If you do manage to get a 72 hour hold, you might get a slightly longer admission if your insurance approves, your ex is onboard and you can find a bed somewhere that takes kids that young.

You could try a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient, maybe one focused on video game addictions. Again, age might be a factor. He's very young. And, just as a warning. When you place your kid in a program with other troubled kids, sometimes they pick up on the behavior of other kids. Length of the program depends on the program, whether your kid works the program and how long your insurance will pay. Again, you'd have to get your ex to agree.

Your county might have some resources, but I only found things like the MH crisis center, which wasn't that effective for us though others feel different, and the criminal justice programs, which you might end up there anyway.

Since he's already violent and he doesn't respect you, I'd have an emergency safety plan in place and I'd practice it over and over - if you have to use your emergency plan, you won't have time to think so your actions need to be ingrained.

Overall though, I think you've already lost the battle here given that you and your ex cannot coparent effectively. And, I'm not saying you're right with your limits or he's right in allowing more freedom with videogames. One thing that bothers me when people decide their kids can't play videogames is when they haven't given their kids alternative ways to spend their time. So if all you're doing is taking away without substituting something else, I might think your approach is as bad as just total freedom. Also, you haven't said how he's doing in school.

Anyway, since things are so bad and I doubt any of the available services will work for you since they require both parents to agree, your best alternative might just be to relinquish custody and try to develop a schedule for visiting so that you can develop a relationship of some type with your child.