Almost 13yo son– violent over video games, refusing meds. What now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

You aren't helping your case. You caused this behavior, OP. The kid plays video games to escape. And outbursts are directly related to the breakup of his family unit and a reaction to being forced to live with some adult he likely resents or maybe even hates. My GOD you should not have moved a "partner" into your house with your young child.

I’m sorry, but I really had no other choice. Being a single mom is already hard, and being a single mom to a difficult boy is even harder. My boys just do not respect or listen to me, especially my 13 year old, due to their dad’s behavior.

You may be single but your kids have two parents. Stop blaming dad and step up as a parent and you all work on it. Get them into therapy, get parenting support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having been through raising a violent kid, I can tell you there are not a lot of resources. And what is out there probably won't work for you if you and your child's other parent aren't on the same page. But, here are a few.

If he's having issues at school, they may have some resources. Public schools deal with a lot of issues and tend to know what's available in the community.

The police are a great resource. However, you have to be prepared that your child could be placed in handcuffs and removed from your house - even if just to get him to a hospital. But they are good at deescalating situations.

You could try a hospital ER. However, it is really tough to get an involuntary 72 hour hold on a kid that young. They are going to want parental permission and that would mean your ex could remove him once he learns where your child is. If you do manage to get a 72 hour hold, you might get a slightly longer admission if your insurance approves, your ex is onboard and you can find a bed somewhere that takes kids that young.

You could try a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient, maybe one focused on video game addictions. Again, age might be a factor. He's very young. And, just as a warning. When you place your kid in a program with other troubled kids, sometimes they pick up on the behavior of other kids. Length of the program depends on the program, whether your kid works the program and how long your insurance will pay. Again, you'd have to get your ex to agree.

Your county might have some resources, but I only found things like the MH crisis center, which wasn't that effective for us though others feel different, and the criminal justice programs, which you might end up there anyway.

Since he's already violent and he doesn't respect you, I'd have an emergency safety plan in place and I'd practice it over and over - if you have to use your emergency plan, you won't have time to think so your actions need to be ingrained.

Overall though, I think you've already lost the battle here given that you and your ex cannot coparent effectively. And, I'm not saying you're right with your limits or he's right in allowing more freedom with videogames. One thing that bothers me when people decide their kids can't play videogames is when they haven't given their kids alternative ways to spend their time. So if all you're doing is taking away without substituting something else, I might think your approach is as bad as just total freedom. Also, you haven't said how he's doing in school.

Anyway, since things are so bad and I doubt any of the available services will work for you since they require both parents to agree, your best alternative might just be to relinquish custody and try to develop a schedule for visiting so that you can develop a relationship of some type with your child.

This is all very good advice. And I do think you have to keep yourself and the other children safe by relinquishing custody. The answer should not be “move my boyfriend in to stay safe.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call the police every single time he destroyed anything.

that's not really helpful, unless you want CPS called.

You have to take the plunge and just remove ALL video games in the house. My now college aged DS would also get angry after playing computer games. We told them that we would take them away if they couldn't control their anger. So, we did. They had to slowly earn it back.

DS didn't break anything though, so it sounds like your case is much more difficult, especially with an ex who undermines you. I think he needs some therapy. He may have uncontrolled anger about other things, maybe the divorce? IDK, but it seems he needs some intervention.

a) Why wouldn't I want CPS called?
b) been there, done that, and the cops never called CPS. Not one time. I actually wish they had. We needed help.

The only thing CPS can do is recommend therapy and parenting classes for you or remove the kids and give them to dad or foster care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been through raising a violent kid, I can tell you there are not a lot of resources. And what is out there probably won't work for you if you and your child's other parent aren't on the same page. But, here are a few.

If he's having issues at school, they may have some resources. Public schools deal with a lot of issues and tend to know what's available in the community.

The police are a great resource. However, you have to be prepared that your child could be placed in handcuffs and removed from your house - even if just to get him to a hospital. But they are good at deescalating situations.

You could try a hospital ER. However, it is really tough to get an involuntary 72 hour hold on a kid that young. They are going to want parental permission and that would mean your ex could remove him once he learns where your child is. If you do manage to get a 72 hour hold, you might get a slightly longer admission if your insurance approves, your ex is onboard and you can find a bed somewhere that takes kids that young.

You could try a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient, maybe one focused on video game addictions. Again, age might be a factor. He's very young. And, just as a warning. When you place your kid in a program with other troubled kids, sometimes they pick up on the behavior of other kids. Length of the program depends on the program, whether your kid works the program and how long your insurance will pay. Again, you'd have to get your ex to agree.

Your county might have some resources, but I only found things like the MH crisis center, which wasn't that effective for us though others feel different, and the criminal justice programs, which you might end up there anyway.

Since he's already violent and he doesn't respect you, I'd have an emergency safety plan in place and I'd practice it over and over - if you have to use your emergency plan, you won't have time to think so your actions need to be ingrained.

Overall though, I think you've already lost the battle here given that you and your ex cannot coparent effectively. And, I'm not saying you're right with your limits or he's right in allowing more freedom with videogames. One thing that bothers me when people decide their kids can't play videogames is when they haven't given their kids alternative ways to spend their time. So if all you're doing is taking away without substituting something else, I might think your approach is as bad as just total freedom. Also, you haven't said how he's doing in school.

Anyway, since things are so bad and I doubt any of the available services will work for you since they require both parents to agree, your best alternative might just be to relinquish custody and try to develop a schedule for visiting so that you can develop a relationship of some type with your child.

This is all very good advice. And I do think you have to keep yourself and the other children safe by relinquishing custody. The answer should not be “move my boyfriend in to stay safe.”

No, its not. The anwser is to get the kids intensive therapy and OP individual therapy and parenting classes and then family therapy. You don't give up on your kids and make your boyfriend a priority. You fix this the best you can. If kids break the video games, you don't replace it. Refuse meds, hide it in their food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having been through raising a violent kid, I can tell you there are not a lot of resources. And what is out there probably won't work for you if you and your child's other parent aren't on the same page. But, here are a few.

If he's having issues at school, they may have some resources. Public schools deal with a lot of issues and tend to know what's available in the community.

The police are a great resource. However, you have to be prepared that your child could be placed in handcuffs and removed from your house - even if just to get him to a hospital. But they are good at deescalating situations.

You could try a hospital ER. However, it is really tough to get an involuntary 72 hour hold on a kid that young. They are going to want parental permission and that would mean your ex could remove him once he learns where your child is. If you do manage to get a 72 hour hold, you might get a slightly longer admission if your insurance approves, your ex is onboard and you can find a bed somewhere that takes kids that young.

You could try a partial hospitalization program or an intensive outpatient, maybe one focused on video game addictions. Again, age might be a factor. He's very young. And, just as a warning. When you place your kid in a program with other troubled kids, sometimes they pick up on the behavior of other kids. Length of the program depends on the program, whether your kid works the program and how long your insurance will pay. Again, you'd have to get your ex to agree.

Your county might have some resources, but I only found things like the MH crisis center, which wasn't that effective for us though others feel different, and the criminal justice programs, which you might end up there anyway.

Since he's already violent and he doesn't respect you, I'd have an emergency safety plan in place and I'd practice it over and over - if you have to use your emergency plan, you won't have time to think so your actions need to be ingrained.

Overall though, I think you've already lost the battle here given that you and your ex cannot coparent effectively. And, I'm not saying you're right with your limits or he's right in allowing more freedom with videogames. One thing that bothers me when people decide their kids can't play videogames is when they haven't given their kids alternative ways to spend their time. So if all you're doing is taking away without substituting something else, I might think your approach is as bad as just total freedom. Also, you haven't said how he's doing in school.

Anyway, since things are so bad and I doubt any of the available services will work for you since they require both parents to agree, your best alternative might just be to relinquish custody and try to develop a schedule for visiting so that you can develop a relationship of some type with your child.

This is all very good advice. And I do think you have to keep yourself and the other children safe by relinquishing custody. The answer should not be “move my boyfriend in to stay safe.”

No, its not. The anwser is to get the kids intensive therapy and OP individual therapy and parenting classes and then family therapy. You don't give up on your kids and make your boyfriend a priority. You fix this the best you can. If kids break the video games, you don't replace it. Refuse meds, hide it in their food.

You could crush the pill and hide it in the food, but if they can 'feel' the difference, they'd know you were sneaking it in.

[Anonymous]

Will turning off the WiFi help? If it’s an online game…we do that to end the battle and anything that is wrecked is not replaced. I’d also not allow a replacement in the house. I’ve gone as far as taking them to my own office if needed. That includes tablets, switch and all tv remotes. Kid takes a few days to reset but it does get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will turning off the WiFi help? If it’s an online game…we do that to end the battle and anything that is wrecked is not replaced. I’d also not allow a replacement in the house. I’ve gone as far as taking them to my own office if needed. That includes tablets, switch and all tv remotes. Kid takes a few days to reset but it does get better.

Ive put out tv in the attic for a few weeks for detox.

[Anonymous]

Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

[Anonymous]

You have set your child up as your enemy. Of course he is reacting this way to you. Stop pushing pills and start treating him with love.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so this and many other kids are either addicted to gaming, using gaming for social interactions, or using the games to self manage: emotions, loneliness, self- esteem, bullying, etc. Taking the video games away removes the self-management tool he has. Is there therapy group that can help with this? He is going to be unlikely to see this is true, but you will likely need some help unwinding this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

I think it's like alcoholism - you have to quit cold turkey and you (both) have to suffer the withdrawals.

Why can't you turn off wifi for his computer? You can set that at the router. We did that for the kid's phones when they were younger. My DS was getting angry after playing computer games, so we took that away.

I do agree with a PP that if you take away the game access you need to replace it with something else. IMO, he needs to let out energy. Does he do any kind of sports? He needs to be tired out.

Also agree with a PP that bringing in a BF in your home at this stage is not a good idea. Unfortunately, you need to think of what's best for your kid, not you.

When did the violence start? Be honest, and think long and hard about when the violence started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

Any reason you don't marry this "partner?" This is a horrible role model situation for both of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

This poor kid. He is screaming for help and there is not an adult in his life who gives a damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex doesn’t want full custody, so that’s not an option, and Wi-Fi being turned off isn’t an option either, that’s when he gets violent. -OP

I think it's like alcoholism - you have to quit cold turkey and you (both) have to suffer the withdrawals.

Why can't you turn off wifi for his computer? You can set that at the router. We did that for the kid's phones when they were younger. My DS was getting angry after playing computer games, so we took that away.

I do agree with a PP that if you take away the game access you need to replace it with something else. IMO, he needs to let out energy. Does he do any kind of sports? He needs to be tired out.

Also agree with a PP that bringing in a BF in your home at this stage is not a good idea. Unfortunately, you need to think of what's best for your kid, not you.

When did the violence start? Be honest, and think long and hard about when the violence started.

He’s had a violence problem for a couple years now but it escalated these past few months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need my partner living with me for me and my other child’s safety, it’s only been a year but I’d like him to live with us full time. Most of the time that my son is violent, my partner is gone. I didn’t want to put my partner into the disciplinary role in this case, but sometimes it’s nessacary not only is he violent with video games, he’s defiant in general.-OP

Any reason you don't marry this "partner?" This is a horrible role model situation for both of your kids.

I thought I’d want to hold it off till they were out of the house, but now that’s changed, since the escalation of violence. We plan on getting married soon.