Reasonable to Ask 19YO to Cover Childcare for 5 Days?

[Anonymous]

You need to send half of the kids to the grandparents or somewhere else. Round the clock care for 6 kids who are all home from school on spring break all day long is unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Good grief no.

[Anonymous]

No. That is too many kids.

You need a second person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all — looking for advice and perspective.

My husband and I will be traveling abroad for 5 days soon. Our 19-year-old daughter will be home from college during that time, and we’re hoping she can help with her younger siblings (ages 15, 13, 11, 9, 6, and 4) while we’re away. Just to be clear, our 18-year-old won’t be home, so it would really be her managing things for that stretch. The kids will be on school break, so she won’t have to worry about school runs or things like that.

She’s responsible and conscientious, and we’re confident in her ability to handle things, but we also don’t want to overburden her or make her feel like it’s “her job.” Our nanny will be out for a planned family obligation, and my MIL will be traveling with my BIL and his kids, so our usual support network isn’t available. We could ask other siblings or extended family, but we’d really prefer not to inconvenience anyone unless it’s necessary.

We plan to compensate her, lay out a clear schedule, and provide all the emergency contacts and guidance she might need. That said, we want to be thoughtful about boundaries, fairness, and the logistics of having a single 19-year-old run the household for a few days.

Has anyone done something similar? Does this seem reasonable — having a college-age sibling as the main caregiver for a few days? Anything we should be thinking about in terms of boundaries, expectations, division of responsibilities, or backup plans?

Thanks so much for any insight — trying to navigate this in a way that’s reasonable, responsible, and keeps everyone’s dignity intact!

So you are not willing to "inconvenience" any one else but are seriously contemplating doing this to your own child? This is beyond awful and you know it OP. If you actually do not recognize how unfair and inappropriate this is, well, I just feel sorry for your oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 6, not 7, with similar age spread. My almost 19 year old is really good at managing the younger kids.

My biggest concern would be whether my teens would listen to her.

I think you should offer to pay her what your nanny would charge for the same time period, and then let her make the decision.

I also think I'd make sure that there are things built in so she gets breaks. For example, is it weekdays so the kids will be in school? Can you ask some of their friends' parents to invite kids over for sleepovers? Can they go to camp?

I'd also want to make other things easier for them. Stock up the freezer, etc . . .

Another option would be to see if she has a friend in college who would like to come home with her and help out and be well paid.

The OP states that all the kids will be home on break so this is a 24/7 parenting thing for this one (unlucky) oldest child.

[Anonymous]

OP: We originally planned this assuming my MIL would stay with the kids, since our nanny is unavailable that week. We asked too late, and she already had plans with other family. She kindly offered to rearrange and babysit, but we said no — we didn’t want her to miss time with her other grandchildren.

This is a short, adults-only trip to the Maldives — not a family trip. Our daughter’s break is longer than a week, and she already has a trip with friends planned, so this wouldn’t be her entire break.

We already plan for the younger kids (ages 4–9) to be in full-day camps, and there will be playdates. Responsibilities will be divided among the teens, who genuinely look up to their older sister and are responsible and trustworthy. She will be paid $4k-6k?, not 100% sure yet, for the five days , and we prefer not to hire another babysitter, as we don’t trust anyone else as much as our nanny.

MIL isn’t available and my parents are traveling. This arrangement only happens with her full agreement. Backup adults are available nearby (SILs, siblings) if needed.

We understand this wouldn’t work for every family, but we’re trying to plan it thoughtfully and respectfully, so thanks for the tips on making sure this goes smoothly.

[Anonymous]

You haven’t planned it thoughtfully and respectfully because you didn’t have a backup plan in place already. Now all the pressure is on your eldest child - as I imagine it has been for many years. You put her in an untenable position.

But you that, ya troll.

[Anonymous]

First, you shouldn’t be traveling over her break. Spending time together as a family with ALL kids should be a priority.
Second, if travel unavoidable, nothing should have been planned without asking, providing compensation, and providing several adult backups to help.

[Anonymous]

NFW! That's way too many kids for a 19-year-old.

[Anonymous]

It is a lot to ask, but not completely unreasonable in my opinion.

To me a lot would depend on how much experience the 19 year old has looking after the other kids, and how this situation is presented to her.

Because of a really messed up family situation, by age 15 I was the main caregiver to my four year old brother & infant twin sisters, pretty much most of the time. My mother was incapacitated by postpartum mental challenges that she wouldn't or couldn't get help for & my father, when not at work, preferred either beer or the company of one of his female coworkers to spending much time at home, and when he was home he was angry and violent (and drunk). For a variety of reasons, I ended up with legal guardianship of 4 year old twins and an 8 year old boy by age 19. My opinion of what teenagers can handle if needed is therefore somewhat higher than many posters on this forum, and I believe that in general elder siblings should step up when the family unit needs them. That said, it really depends on whether this would be a new experience out of the blue for everyone, or whether several of the older kids have already been building the skills and habits necessary for this to run smoothly.

If raised with high levels of responsibility and independence, the 15 and 13 year olds will likely not need a ton of actual caregiving - guidance, supervision, and someone who can drive as needed would suffice - and could potentially assist, if carefully instructed, with taking care of the younger three. If not accustomed to being fairly self-sufficient, however, the kids all may be rather wild and a lot to handle.

How much caregiving experience does the 19 year old have for all or most of the kids at once? How does she feel about this plan and what can you do to address any concerns in advance? How do they all get along? Are the little ones fairly accustomed to the elder siblings as caregivers they actually have to listen to?

The one thing I will strongly advise is that if you are going to do this you NEED to have whatever legal paperwork will suffice in your state of residence granting the 19 year old temporary authority to care for the minors and if needed to consent to medical procedures for the minors. There are forms. Some jurisdictions require notarized forms. Get sufficient legal advice to have this in place since you are traveling and could be hard to get ahold of in an urgent situation. All hospitals will stabilize a life-threatening emergency, but if it is something less serious yet still necessary (stitches, broken bone, concussion, etc) this will save everyone a big headache. It may not be needed, but if it is needed and is not in place the situation will become a large mess. Make sure she knows everyone's medical info, doctor contact info as needed, & has copies of health insurance cards. Ensure, if traveling abroad especially by air, that both parents have their wills in order. Yes, this is morbid. Also, yes, the court system would not be fun to navigate as a grieving 19 year old eldest sibling if things are not carefully laid out.

[Anonymous]

No way. You need childcare for the little ones and for the big ones. Spring break means they will be at home and not even in school. Will they stay home all together the entire time? Is she to take them grocery shopping all together? Make 3 meals for 5 days for 7 ppl by herself???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We originally planned this assuming my MIL would stay with the kids, since our nanny is unavailable that week. We asked too late, and she already had plans with other family. She kindly offered to rearrange and babysit, but we said no — we didn’t want her to miss time with her other grandchildren.

This is a short, adults-only trip to the Maldives — not a family trip. Our daughter’s break is longer than a week, and she already has a trip with friends planned, so this wouldn’t be her entire break.

We already plan for the younger kids (ages 4–9) to be in full-day camps, and there will be playdates. Responsibilities will be divided among the teens, who genuinely look up to their older sister and are responsible and trustworthy. She will be paid $4k-6k?, not 100% sure yet, for the five days , and we prefer not to hire another babysitter, as we don’t trust anyone else as much as our nanny.

MIL isn’t available and my parents are traveling. This arrangement only happens with her full agreement. Backup adults are available nearby (SILs, siblings) if needed.

We understand this wouldn’t work for every family, but we’re trying to plan it thoughtfully and respectfully, so thanks for the tips on making sure this goes smoothly.

Have you asked her? What does she say?

I think you want to think about how to make meals easier. Some of what that looks like depends on how picky your kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: We originally planned this assuming my MIL would stay with the kids, since our nanny is unavailable that week. We asked too late, and she already had plans with other family. She kindly offered to rearrange and babysit, but we said no — we didn’t want her to miss time with her other grandchildren.

This is a short, adults-only trip to the Maldives — not a family trip. Our daughter’s break is longer than a week, and she already has a trip with friends planned, so this wouldn’t be her entire break.

We already plan for the younger kids (ages 4–9) to be in full-day camps, and there will be playdates. Responsibilities will be divided among the teens, who genuinely look up to their older sister and are responsible and trustworthy. She will be paid $4k-6k?, not 100% sure yet, for the five days , and we prefer not to hire another babysitter, as we don’t trust anyone else as much as our nanny.

MIL isn’t available and my parents are traveling. This arrangement only happens with her full agreement. Backup adults are available nearby (SILs, siblings) if needed.

We understand this wouldn’t work for every family, but we’re trying to plan it thoughtfully and respectfully, so thanks for the tips on making sure this goes smoothly.

In your original post you said that since the younger kids would be on break, the oldest one wouldn’t have to worry about school runs or anything like that. Now they’re going to be in camp? And now you mention paying the oldest? Troll.

[Anonymous]

Lol are you insane?

How did you buy non-refundable international tickets for a week that neither your nanny or your MIL is available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. You need childcare for the little ones and for the big ones. Spring break means they will be at home and not even in school. Will they stay home all together the entire time? Is she to take them grocery shopping all together? Make 3 meals for 5 days for 7 ppl by herself???

OP says the little ones will be in camp.

I would assume that the parents would stock the house with food, but if not, surely the older kids can stay home when she goes grocery shopping, or they can instacart.