Not inviting kids.

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I would attend the local courthouse dinner alone with your DH's watching the kids. Think of it as your break from the kids for a few hours.
Skip the destination wedding entirely. You have good excuse, and it's not fun taking little children on a trip. Save the vacation time for your family.

I wouldn't be butthurt about it, you're not close to them anyway. Time to let go of your feeling and focus on your real family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement of parents of small kids and infants is staggering.

+1

And I am a very kid-centric person. But weddings? Especially a small dinner? Local? No need to include infants and small children. At 3 months, OP should be able to manage. Many options. And yes- I do have 3 kids.

As for destination weddings, I am not a fan in general. Attend or don’t. In this case, I would not attend.

[Anonymous]

It might be targeted at you or it might not, it’s certainly not aimed at making it easy for you to attend, but the important thing is that you do what is best for your family without addressing the larger family issues that might be at play. Weddings tend to bring out the worst in people and it’s highly unlikely that trying to bring up problems will have a good outcome. It will only cause drama.

I did not leave my babies with sitters at such a young age and I did not bottle feed, so in your shoes I would not go to the restaurant nor would I take my newborn (immunity). I think it’s a mistake to ask for a change. Express regret that you can’t attend owing to having a newborn. Maybe send DH for an appearance if he’s comfortable. Send a nice gift. If pressured or questioned, just respond that you can’t leave your young baby and they are too little to be in a restaurant. Don’t give any more information than that. That is the answer to every question. And don’t entertain too many questions. Baby’s crying, I have to run. Hang up.

It sounds like the destination wedding is not in a home country for you and I would absolutely not be comfortable leaving my very young children with random sitters even if they are with an agency or whatever. That is just a hard pass for me. We found travel easy with our little ones, but many people do not. Just the distance is reasonable. In any case pick a reason, maybe there is an unavoidable work commitment or maybe you just don’t feel up to traveling. Politely decline with your one reason and once again stick to it. Don’t pick something that your parents could fix, like affordability.

People are entitled to plan their weddings however they wish, but an invitation is not a command performance. Be polite, be firm, and most of all, please enjoy your baby and little family as much as you can. And congratulations on your second!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the local dinner, I would try to get a sitter for the kids if you have an established sitter or have your DH stay with the kids. Pump so the baby has a bottle if they need it.

I would skip the destination wedding.

This.

I was a bridesmaid with a 5 week old (and both of us were fully welcomed). Everyone was so glad I could come. Especially since baby was a 37 weeker so we didn't know until baby was born what things would be like for us.

But I had to breastfeed in the car during the rehearsal dinner. The restaurant's event space room and airplane style bathroom were unsuitable for nursing privacy. My toddler and my baby also didn't enjoy the restaurant much. It was late-ish for them, noisy, and also cold.

I pumped for both kids and would have had no trouble skipping one in-person feeding for an event.

People who don't have their own kids yet usually don't understand anything about kids. I would not assume your brother hates you and is trying to exclude you. Maybe he just doesn't want crying kids in the background of his big day. Figure out a plan to cover the local wedding and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement of parents of small kids and infants is staggering.

+1

And I am a very kid-centric person. But weddings? Especially a small dinner? Local? No need to include infants and small children. At 3 months, OP should be able to manage. Many options. And yes- I do have 3 kids.

As for destination weddings, I am not a fan in general. Attend or don’t. In this case, I would not attend.

I agree with this too. We have kids and are not offended when people want adult only functions, especially formal dinners or weddings. If it doesn’t work for us we decline whether it’s a family function or not.

Of all days, brides and grooms should be entitled to the type of function they want and yes, many of them are at peace if someone declines due to having small kids.

[Anonymous]

I also don’t think it’s only a desire of people who haven’t been around kids. Our niece is getting married and she has many friends and family members with kids. Because of this, they have decided on a child free wedding. Kids and infants definitely change the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I would put the baby to bed, leave your DH with a pumped bottle, and stop by the restaurant to greet people. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think so. Pump if you want. Sounds like you do t want to. It’s not reasonable to bring a 3 month old to a nice, small, private dinner.

Pumping in the bathroom at a restaurant is gross.

Also since baby is 1mo they may not be on a bottle yet, maybe they will be by then but it seems ridiculous to exclude your sister from the wedding celebration over this. YMMV obviously.

IME, it is good to get a baby on a bottle as soon as possible - one a day- so that if there is an emergency with the mother - the baby will take a bottle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would put the baby to bed, leave your DH with a pumped bottle, and stop by the restaurant to greet people. That's it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this wedding is about the couple, not you.

They want to have an enjoyable, memorable dinner that is about their marriage.

If you come with a toddler and 3 month old, the kids will act up, everyone will fuss over the baby - it will be all about your kids. And your brother knows it.

Fine to skip the destination wedding. Go to the dinner but leave your husband at home with the kids. Stay for an hour and then go back home if you need to.

'

Some people are so interesting. I cannot imagine anyone I know feeling jealous of and not wanting their niece/nephew at a huge family event because people will say they're cute. Especially since it sounds like the main event is all adult. And of course it's destination. It all makes sense. I know someone who had a destination wedding and said no +1s unless married. Lolol. Send your regards and don't worry about it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The entitlement of parents of small kids and infants is staggering.

+1. He's your brother, so you make it work. My brother and I aren't particularly close, but I can't imagine missing his wedding (at least the local one) because of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Do what works for you, don’t decide it was directed at you. They clearly don’t understand and your parents are clearly in the middle not knowing what to do. Choose to think that eve ru one is doing the best they can with the best of intentions.

Stay home, go for part, lots of ideas here on how to manage if you want to go. But literally do what makes you feel best. If you stay for the full dinner you may have to pump and dump at the dinner just to stay comfortable. Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for your choices so long as you are respecting theirs.

My oldest friend had a two month at my wedding, she was welcome to bring her but chose to have her dad travel to babysit and bring the baby over to nurse when needed.

Absolutely do not go to the destination wedding unless it is a trip you and your family would enjoy for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 3 months, I was still exclusively nursing, so baby went where I went. If baby wasn’t welcome, I didn’t go. I wasn’t going to introduce a bottle for someone else’s convenience.

So you understand why someone doesn't change an adult event to a baby nursing one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brother is getting married. I am married with 2 kids (2yo and 1mo). We aren't particularly close, I don't have issues with him but I know he doesn't care for me much. He is getting married in two "parts":

1. Local courthouse wedding after which my parents are hosting and paying for a small dinner (~15 people) at a restaurant. Parents invited me then I said "great the 4 of us will be there". They said "oh actually kids aren't invited, please find an arrangement for them". With a 3mo old at the time that will need to breastfeed every 1-2hrs this isn't really realistic. I've asked if there's any flexibility for our infant and have not heard back. Nobody else in the group has kids under 18 let alone an infant so this seems quite targeted at us at my brother's behest. My parents have long had favoritism/pleasing this brother at all costs issues.

2. Destination wedding in Western Europe. Smaller wedding and also none of the guests have minor children. Very clear on the wedding website "THIS IS NOT A CHILD-FRIENDLY EVENT" in all caps. We will probably not go.

Am I right to be a little put off? Obviously it's 100% your right to have a child-free wedding but it just seems very targeted at us, and I'm probably more disappointed my parents are going along with brother excluding his niece and nephew from both events.

How long do you think a dinner takes? You can't leave baby at home for TWO HOURS? C'mon now, you're just salty your precious babes aren't invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this wedding is about the couple, not you.

They want to have an enjoyable, memorable dinner that is about their marriage.

If you come with a toddler and 3 month old, the kids will act up, everyone will fuss over the baby - it will be all about your kids. And your brother knows it.

Fine to skip the destination wedding. Go to the dinner but leave your husband at home with the kids. Stay for an hour and then go back home if you need to.

'

Some people are so interesting. I cannot imagine anyone I know feeling jealous of and not wanting their niece/nephew at a huge family event because people will say they're cute. Especially since it sounds like the main event is all adult. And of course it's destination. It all makes sense. I know someone who had a destination wedding and said no +1s unless married. Lolol. Send your regards and don't worry about it again.

Agree, like what if you had a stunningly beautiful adult female relative, or a relative with some degree of success or celebrity who might take attention from the couple... you can invite who you want but these would be considered absolutely ridiculous reasons.