The parent getting sick and dying phase is stressful on friendship

[Anonymous]

I’ve gone through periods like that as well. It’s been hard. I’ve done what I could to help my friends and their parents out and worked to maintain positive connections — and ended up with deeper relationships and lifelong friends. That’s what I value though. OP, if you’d rather have what I’d call playmates rather than deeper relationships with friends, go for it. Just gently warn your friends —so they’ll understand this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve gone through periods like that as well. It’s been hard. I’ve done what I could to help my friends and their parents out and worked to maintain positive connections — and ended up with deeper relationships and lifelong friends. That’s what I value though. OP, if you’d rather have what I’d call playmates rather than deeper relationships with friends, go for it. Just gently warn your friends —so they’ll understand this too.

This is how normal, healthy friendships work and grow.
OP seems to be more concerned with herself and her needs. I would not want a "friend" like the OP obviously is.
At least OP is honest about their feelings. I give her/him that!

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all who were kind.
A lot of you misread this post entirely which is to be expected as so much is lost in translation on here.
I am not at all judging friends for being caught up with aging and dying parents. Not in the slightest as that is normal and appropriate and I've been there and will be there again as I still have a living parent. I've been exceedingly supportive of friends (and expected nothing of them for months on end) when they went through this and I was incredibly supported by friends when my own mother was sick for a protracted amount of time and I couldn't reach out to anyone. My point is that this phase of life sucks because you lose people to this hard stuff for months at a time. Those who compared it to the phase of life when you have infant children were correct. I cherish my friends and miss them when I don't see them.

That's pretty much my only reflection: that this phase of life can be lonely as friends are consumed with hard parental stuff for months on end. As I was myself. Don't read anything more into my post. I'm not judging anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 52 and in the thick of the phase of friends' parents getting old and dying.
I've been through it with one of mine.
The hardest part for me (totally selfish) is that when friends go through the 3-12 months of losing a parent to illness and death is that they disappear.
I find that not all people do this but a good number do. They are super stressed and can barely keep up with the sick parent, job, spouse etc.
Their bandwidth for friendship falls to the wayside.
I get it as i went through this too. But it is hard on friendship at this age. I keep losing friends for 3-12 months as they disappear. They cycle back but it is a lonely and weird time to be a friend. Most of us are new(ish) empty nesters so we need friends more than ever.

Can anyone relate? Please don't tell me I'm a selfish jerk. I can say this is a hard phase without being yelled at. I was the same when I went through it.
Middle age is hard.

Are you saying you basically went away while your parent was dying, and now don't understand why others do it?

Whatever the case, you are only a good friend if you allow your friends to deal with their issues on their own terms. If you need them to handle their issues on your terms, then you aren't a good friend. I had a friend who did this to me. When she said something, shocking me, I explained my point of view. Which made her even angrier because she didn't like my explanation. I realized that I was a convenient friendship for her. She didn't miss me when I was dealing with my dying parent, she missed the socializing opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 52 and in the thick of the phase of friends' parents getting old and dying.
I've been through it with one of mine.
The hardest part for me (totally selfish) is that when friends go through the 3-12 months of losing a parent to illness and death is that they disappear.
I find that not all people do this but a good number do. They are super stressed and can barely keep up with the sick parent, job, spouse etc.
Their bandwidth for friendship falls to the wayside.
I get it as i went through this too. But it is hard on friendship at this age. I keep losing friends for 3-12 months as they disappear. They cycle back but it is a lonely and weird time to be a friend. Most of us are new(ish) empty nesters so we need friends more than ever.

Can anyone relate? Please don't tell me I'm a selfish jerk. I can say this is a hard phase without being yelled at. I was the same when I went through it.
Middle age is hard.

Why aren’t you helping your friends? Take them a meal. Be willing to sit with them when they cry. Ask if you can run an errand for them. See if they’d like to take a short break for coffee..

[Anonymous]

Yes I concur w/you OP.

Middle-age IS tough.

When you were going through this w/one of your parents - - were your friends there for you?
Because if they were, then I would try hard to be there for them too.

If they need to step back from the friendship >> then so be it.
Everyone has their own timeline to grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 52 and in the thick of the phase of friends' parents getting old and dying.
I've been through it with one of mine.
The hardest part for me (totally selfish) is that when friends go through the 3-12 months of losing a parent to illness and death is that they disappear.
I find that not all people do this but a good number do. They are super stressed and can barely keep up with the sick parent, job, spouse etc.
Their bandwidth for friendship falls to the wayside.
I get it as i went through this too. But it is hard on friendship at this age. I keep losing friends for 3-12 months as they disappear. They cycle back but it is a lonely and weird time to be a friend. Most of us are new(ish) empty nesters so we need friends more than ever.

Can anyone relate? Please don't tell me I'm a selfish jerk. I can say this is a hard phase without being yelled at. I was the same when I went through it.
Middle age is hard.

I think this is a good time to just support them! Whether it is offering help, sending a meal or just an occasional text to say you are thinking of them.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were both “orphans” by the time we were 40. No one showed us any grace at all as far as work or social obligations. And because we were the only ones of our peers going through it, we didn’t know to ask or expect anything different.
Now that I’m in my late 50s, my friends are dealing with these issues and I’m trying to remember what I would have wanted when my parents were sick or dying. I would have loved more check-in’s and suggestions of quiet and quick things to do—coffee date vs girls weekend. If it’s a true friendship, it’ll survive some time apart. In the meantime, find some other social outlets like a class, gym, volunteering etc to occupy your time and so you’ll have some interesting new stories to share when your friends reconnect.

[Anonymous]

You are correct; you are being a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who were kind.
A lot of you misread this post entirely which is to be expected as so much is lost in translation on here.
I am not at all judging friends for being caught up with aging and dying parents. Not in the slightest as that is normal and appropriate and I've been there and will be there again as I still have a living parent. I've been exceedingly supportive of friends (and expected nothing of them for months on end) when they went through this and I was incredibly supported by friends when my own mother was sick for a protracted amount of time and I couldn't reach out to anyone. My point is that this phase of life sucks because you lose people to this hard stuff for months at a time. Those who compared it to the phase of life when you have infant children were correct. I cherish my friends and miss them when I don't see them.

That's pretty much my only reflection: that this phase of life can be lonely as friends are consumed with hard parental stuff for months on end. As I was myself. Don't read anything more into my post. I'm not judging anyone.

Fwiw I got this from your op. I think a lot of responders are missing that you accept that both things can be true. You said you totally understand that your friends need to drop out of social connections while they deal with important family matters. You also are sad or lonely because you miss your friends. From my perspective that's totally understandable. It is hard!

No advice, just commiseration. It's not narcissistic to miss people when they're not available. From a charitable perspective I can imagine that your heart is also aching for their pain and not being able to cure it. And it's hard sometimes to tell which friends want to be left alone and which would appreciate you reaching out. Feeling isolated doesn't mean you also don't acknowledge and accept they need to be away for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who were kind.
A lot of you misread this post entirely which is to be expected as so much is lost in translation on here.
I am not at all judging friends for being caught up with aging and dying parents. Not in the slightest as that is normal and appropriate and I've been there and will be there again as I still have a living parent. I've been exceedingly supportive of friends (and expected nothing of them for months on end) when they went through this and I was incredibly supported by friends when my own mother was sick for a protracted amount of time and I couldn't reach out to anyone. My point is that this phase of life sucks because you lose people to this hard stuff for months at a time. Those who compared it to the phase of life when you have infant children were correct. I cherish my friends and miss them when I don't see them.

That's pretty much my only reflection: that this phase of life can be lonely as friends are consumed with hard parental stuff for months on end. As I was myself. Don't read anything more into my post. I'm not judging anyone.

You don't get a redo of your original post, OP. It came across as unfeeling towards others and entirely focused on your feelings. That's not right. Get a hold of yourself and stop posting drivel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to all who were kind.
A lot of you misread this post entirely which is to be expected as so much is lost in translation on here.
I am not at all judging friends for being caught up with aging and dying parents. Not in the slightest as that is normal and appropriate and I've been there and will be there again as I still have a living parent. I've been exceedingly supportive of friends (and expected nothing of them for months on end) when they went through this and I was incredibly supported by friends when my own mother was sick for a protracted amount of time and I couldn't reach out to anyone. My point is that this phase of life sucks because you lose people to this hard stuff for months at a time. Those who compared it to the phase of life when you have infant children were correct. I cherish my friends and miss them when I don't see them.

That's pretty much my only reflection: that this phase of life can be lonely as friends are consumed with hard parental stuff for months on end. As I was myself. Don't read anything more into my post. I'm not judging anyone.

You don't get a redo of your original post, OP. It came across as unfeeling towards others and entirely focused on your feelings. That's not right. Get a hold of yourself and stop posting drivel.

I posted prior and have to admit that reading OP's 2nd posting did feel like a "do-over" done through a kinder, less me-me-me lense.

[Anonymous]

I try to help them as much as I can. Sometimes it is taking their kids for a few days so they can be with their parent. Sometimes is it just making double dinner and bringing it over. Or taking their turns in the carpool for several months. Or mowing their lawn if they get backed up. Sometimes, it is just offering a kind ear while they work through some difficult choices. IME, friends help friends through difficult times, otherwise is more of an acquaintance type of relationship.

[Anonymous]

I'm 58, and I lost my mom last spring after a year-long, painful battle with cancer. My 93 y/o dad is now alone, and although he's surprisingly independent, he still needs (and deserves) a lot of support from my brother and me.

I have done my best to work through my profound grief and stress without burdening others. But sometimes I have to "disappear" or change plans because I don't have the time or emotional space to be there, physically or otherwise.

Things are getting better as time goes on. My friends have been supportive and understanding, and I am confident that they will still be there for me when I emerge from this sad and strange stage of my life. Hopefully, OP, yours will too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have liked it if someone had dropped off a meal when I was caring for Mom. Some kind words would have been appreciated too.

Great advice and something people
May not think of.
Do this OP.