The parent getting sick and dying phase is stressful on friendship

[Anonymous]

I'm 52 and in the thick of the phase of friends' parents getting old and dying.
I've been through it with one of mine.
The hardest part for me (totally selfish) is that when friends go through the 3-12 months of losing a parent to illness and death is that they disappear.
I find that not all people do this but a good number do. They are super stressed and can barely keep up with the sick parent, job, spouse etc.
Their bandwidth for friendship falls to the wayside.
I get it as i went through this too. But it is hard on friendship at this age. I keep losing friends for 3-12 months as they disappear. They cycle back but it is a lonely and weird time to be a friend. Most of us are new(ish) empty nesters so we need friends more than ever.

Can anyone relate? Please don't tell me I'm a selfish jerk. I can say this is a hard phase without being yelled at. I was the same when I went through it.
Middle age is hard.

[Anonymous]

I view it similarly as when someone has a baby - they disappear for a while as they adjust to their new normal. I currently have a friend on maternity leave and I text her once a week. Partially so she doesn't feel forgotten and partially to keep our friendship connection.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine ever feeling like this. My friends are in their late 40s, 50s and early 60s, and they've nearly all lost at least one parent. More importantly, my friends themselves all had serious medical events, and I had one too. We were there for each other. I can tolerate my friends being busy for months to take care of their own relatives. it's entirely understandable.

I really can't relate. You do seem to be oddly self-centered. If you need constant social attention, perhaps volunteer with an organization to help others.

[Anonymous]

You must have been the sort to complain about your friends attending to their babies instead of you.

So glad you're not my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine ever feeling like this. My friends are in their late 40s, 50s and early 60s, and they've nearly all lost at least one parent. More importantly, my friends themselves all had serious medical events, and I had one too. We were there for each other. I can tolerate my friends being busy for months to take care of their own relatives. it's entirely understandable.

I really can't relate. You do seem to be oddly self-centered. If you need constant social attention, perhaps volunteer with an organization to help others.

How do you get this from the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine ever feeling like this. My friends are in their late 40s, 50s and early 60s, and they've nearly all lost at least one parent. More importantly, my friends themselves all had serious medical events, and I had one too. We were there for each other. I can tolerate my friends being busy for months to take care of their own relatives. it's entirely understandable.

I really can't relate. You do seem to be oddly self-centered. If you need constant social attention, perhaps volunteer with an organization to help others.

How do you get this from the post?

OP is complaining that her friends, who are dealing with tragic events in their family, are leaving her all by herself for months on end. Is that reasonable? No. It's normal to prioritize one's parents in their last illness, and not have time for friends, if you also work and parent your kids. OP herself implies that her behavior could be perceived as selfish, so she has a modicum of self-awareness.

You're very strange for asking the question.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DINK and can relate to that feeling when many of my peers were in the thick of the baby years. It will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DINK and can relate to that feeling when many of my peers were in the thick of the baby years. It will pass.

We should all acknowledge our feelings to ourselves so we can process them, no matter how unreasonable they are. But I think OP crosses the line into "me me me" territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DINK and can relate to that feeling when many of my peers were in the thick of the baby years. It will pass.

We should all acknowledge our feelings to ourselves so we can process them, no matter how unreasonable they are. But I think OP crosses the line into "me me me" territory.

Why because it's written down?

[Anonymous]

I can relate, and people also handle this time differently. (Some want to be alone, some be with others, some talk, some not talk.) Sorry it's a struggle.

[Anonymous]

I'm 45 and many of my friends have lost their parents. A close friend lost both her parents suddenly within a few months of each other. I have never, ever felt the way you do. I give them compassion, love, check in on them regularly, and let them take the time they need. I have no negative feelings about any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DINK and can relate to that feeling when many of my peers were in the thick of the baby years. It will pass.

We should all acknowledge our feelings to ourselves so we can process them, no matter how unreasonable they are. But I think OP crosses the line into "me me me" territory.

Why because it's written down?

Not at all. It could have been phrased differently, as in: "I miss my friends very much when they're caring for their sick parents; please help me out of my emotional rut." That would have been a healthy approach. Instead it's "I can't believe my friends are letting me down to care for their dying parents when they should be looking after me, and don't call me a selfish jerk, even though I know full well that's what I am".

[Anonymous]

I lost my friends before that phase and permanently: mix of kids aging and mom friends being in the past, and old friends falling off for other reasons (some distance, some losses like you mention or worse).

So I am in the early empty nest stage 100% alone and friendless with zero prospects for new friends (yes I've tried all the usual recommendations). I think you are pretty lucky to have several good friends in your life even if they are less available for a bit as presumably this is all in phases and not at once.

[Anonymous]

It's odd to hear a member of GenX complain about this. Generally speaking, we were taught to amuse ourselves or someone would find something for us to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, and people also handle this time differently. (Some want to be alone, some be with others, some talk, some not talk.) Sorry it's a struggle.

Yeah we had “the year where everyone died.” Lost all our parents, aunts, uncles. Had either a death or a funeral on every major holiday weekend- thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Fourth of July, new years. (My husband buried his mother on his birthday.) it was indescribably awful and we became very strange gallows humor people for a while. The only person I wanted to hang out with was my sister cuz she was in the same weird head space. I disappeared and am only starting to reconnect with people now. Took like two years.