The parent getting sick and dying phase is stressful on friendship

[Anonymous]

My mom has been dying for like two years. It is horrific. I also work full time, and I have two kids at home. I’m the friend who has dropped out for awhile. I have nothing left to give anyone else and am probably incapable of being a good friend right now. Eventually, when my mom is gone, I’ll refocus my energy back to my friends. They’re very supportive and I’d be shocked if they held it against me or resented me for it.

[Anonymous]

You needs enemies when they have you as a "friend", OP?

[Anonymous]

I would have liked it if someone had dropped off a meal when I was caring for Mom. Some kind words would have been appreciated too.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a needy narcissist.

[Anonymous]

I am not yet in this phase of life, but will be soon. All you do is try to be understanding and broaden your pool of friends and interests. They'll come back around. I had a time when everything was so stressful all I could do was retreat until it was over. It took me months. All you can do is show compassion and empathy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a needy narcissist.

Finally, someone said what needed to be said. Previous posters were way too gentle.

[Anonymous]

OP, so how many times might you reach out during the course of a year, and if you didn't get any response, you'd be accepting of that? And not be resentful? Know that for yourself. Maybe you send them a "sorry you're going through this" message when it begins. You remember their birthday. You remember them at the time of Christmas/Holiday. So, 3 or 4 times a year. If they don't follow-up or respond back to you, can you manage that amount of communication without resentment? Then after whenever you think they may be through their hard time, after a year anyway, you reach out for a closer relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 52 and in the thick of the phase of friends' parents getting old and dying.
I've been through it with one of mine.
The hardest part for me (totally selfish) is that when friends go through the 3-12 months of losing a parent to illness and death is that they disappear.
I find that not all people do this but a good number do. They are super stressed and can barely keep up with the sick parent, job, spouse etc.
Their bandwidth for friendship falls to the wayside.
I get it as i went through this too. But it is hard on friendship at this age. I keep losing friends for 3-12 months as they disappear. They cycle back but it is a lonely and weird time to be a friend. Most of us are new(ish) empty nesters so we need friends more than ever.

Can anyone relate? Please don't tell me I'm a selfish jerk. I can say this is a hard phase without being yelled at. I was the same when I went through it.
Middle age is hard.

Sorry but you are being completely unfair to your friends. Are you seriously comparing being a new(ish) "empty nester" to dealing with a parent's declining health and then death and all such an intense time entails?

OP, you say that you don't want to be told you are being selfish but there really is no other way to state it. Being a true friend is supporting them when they are going through hard times and, again, there is just no comparison between being an empty nester vs. a dying family member. Your need for attention and entertainment is in no way equivalent to what they are going through.

Oh, since you seem to need more guidance than the average person here are some ideas for new(ish) empty nesters:

- Step up for a new responsibility/project at work
- Join a book club
- Volunteer somewhere - anywhere - there are literally 100s of places to match with your interests
- Mentor a younger employee at work - mentor a local high school student who is looking to go into your field -- pay more attention to any younger nieces and nephews
- Foster a dog - foster a cat - make it your mission to care for the strays in your neighborhood
- Organize your home photos - take a photography class - finally scrapbook! (that one makes me laugh as we all thought we would when those children were just born)
- train for a 5k, 10k, marathon - get outside more - go hiking - join a hiking club
- oh, and here is a great idea - maybe instead of whining like a needy baby who is not getting enough attention, cook dinners on rotation for the friends you do have who are really in the middle of it right now with their families or offer to help with their kids, dogs, whatever or just stop by with two coffees for a 10 minute check in - or just give them some grace because you are being ridiculously selfish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a needy narcissist.

Finally, someone said what needed to be said. Previous posters were way too gentle.

+10000
OP sounds exhausting

[Anonymous]

The kicker is that OP insists she's knows what her friends are going through because she lost a parent herself.

And then proceeds to not understand what her friends are going through.

A little mental illness going on there, I think.

[Anonymous]

"When you have been through hard times and come out the other side, look around you. The people still there are your true friends."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I view it similarly as when someone has a baby - they disappear for a while as they adjust to their new normal. I currently have a friend on maternity leave and I text her once a week. Partially so she doesn't feel forgotten and partially to keep our friendship connection.

This is what I do. I don't expect a response, but I know my friend appreciates the little photos and messages that I text him. He'll usually send a heart emoji but I don't care if he doesn't, having been through this myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a needy narcissist.

Finally, someone said what needed to be said. Previous posters were way too gentle.

For once my directness is appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I view it similarly as when someone has a baby - they disappear for a while as they adjust to their new normal. I currently have a friend on maternity leave and I text her once a week. Partially so she doesn't feel forgotten and partially to keep our friendship connection.

This is what I do. I don't expect a response, but I know my friend appreciates the little photos and messages that I text him. He'll usually send a heart emoji but I don't care if he doesn't, having been through this myself.

These two PPs know how to be good, supportive friends and have a healthy approach to friendship. OP does not and needs to grow up a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has been dying for like two years. It is horrific. I also work full time, and I have two kids at home. I’m the friend who has dropped out for awhile. I have nothing left to give anyone else and am probably incapable of being a good friend right now. Eventually, when my mom is gone, I’ll refocus my energy back to my friends. They’re very supportive and I’d be shocked if they held it against me or resented me for it.

I'm in the same boat but the last three years it was my dad and he passed away. Now I'm caring for my mom. It is horrific. I would hate if my friends judged me.