Fight with husband

[Anonymous]

You make his lunch?

The entire dynamic you describe sounds like you’re his mommy and he’s acting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We already were close yesterday morning, and he came at me again that night. I was exhausted and said, “Not tonight, tomorrow. Totally reasonable, right?

He didn’t take it well, so I called him a “entitled jerk” because seriously, I was tired. And then he lost it and called me a “stupid F’ing b**.”**

I know I teased him first, but his response was too much. I apologized to him and but he didn’t apologize to me, so I’ve stopped talking to him, left to work, and didn’t make him coffee this morning or pack his lunch.

Am I in the wrong?

In a healthy relationship when partners are upset at each other, they don't call each other names, give silent treatment, ignore chores or stop kindness. They also accommodate each other for intimacy and if they can't, they communicate so other person isn't feeling rejected or pressured. You two need therapy or at least read some books to improve life.

[Anonymous]

This is not real, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first poster is ridiculous.
If you say, “not tonight, tomorrow,” then that should be the end of the discussion. If he keeps bringing it up, then he is being a jerk, and you should be allowed to call him out on it without repercussions.

I mean, I would expect this from my six year old if I told him that we couldn’t get ice cream tonight, but we will tomorrow.

OP conveniently does not tell us exactly what happened between her saying “not tonight, tomorrow,” and calling him and entitled jerk. People who escalate like this usually feed each other that energy.

She said that “he didn’t take it well.”

What are you thinking happened, pp? I really can’t imagine any acceptable scenario other than him dropping it and letting her go to sleep.

I imagine he was grumbling, or maybe said something to himself. She doesn’t say exactly what he says.

But I’m saying that in a toxic relationship, which I have been in, none of these types of incidents happen in isolation. There’s a pattern and there’s stuff that happens earlier in the day and there’s a whole toxic dynamic that needs both people. From the way op describes it I think she is not disclosing the whole story.

Like this isn’t the first time she’s called him an entitled jerk and this isn’t the first time he’s called her an f-ing B and there’s still sex happening between them.

I think you are projecting a lot here.
And really, grumbling isn’t okay.

I said this earlier, but if I told my child we were getting ice cream tomorrow and he grumbled about not getting it today, I would tell him to cut it out. I would definitely expect better from a grown man.

I agree. But also- it would be like if your kid ate ice cream in the morning and then wanted more in the evening and you said no and he started complaining. Seriously??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can’t fairly say who is in the wrong.

That is a really big escalation over declining sex and you’re withholding too much information for us to make a judgment. Like the history of this behavior, whether you get along, your sex life, what happened that day, etc.

Most times we do get along, sometimes we fight.

We make love often, almost everyday, if we miss a day, it’s twice the next, and yesterday was one of those days. But I was genuinely tired, so I said we can do twice the next day(which is today), but he kept pushing, so I didn’t know what else to say, now he’s asking for it now..

Nothing happened that day. -OP

[Anonymous]

How old you both? And how long have you been married? Do you make him breakfast, lunch and dinner? Do you do his laundry?

[Anonymous]

So the deal is sex on demand and three meals a day or he sulks and calls you names? He sounds like a gem.

You apologizing first feels very… practiced. And the fact that withholding coffee, lunch, and now dinner is your “protest” tells me you’ve been playing wifey concierge for a while.

If this is a real post, you both sound incredibly immature.

[Anonymous]

It baffles me that women still worry they are in the wrong when men demand daily sex, three cooked meals a day, and then name call.

No, OP, you are not in the wrong. I would have had much stronger words than “entitled jerk”. And in fact, when my xH behaved this way, I would leave the house and go stay at a hotel for a couple days.

If you don’t have kids, leave. There’s zero reason to put up with this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We can’t fairly say who is in the wrong.

That is a really big escalation over declining sex and you’re withholding too much information for us to make a judgment. Like the history of this behavior, whether you get along, your sex life, what happened that day, etc.

Most times we do get along, sometimes we fight.

We make love often, almost everyday, if we miss a day, it’s twice the next, and yesterday was one of those days. But I was genuinely tired, so I said we can do twice the next day(which is today), but he kept pushing, so I didn’t know what else to say, now he’s asking for it now..

Nothing happened that day. -OP

I would suggest that sleeping with him almost immediately after he called you a B is not a good approach and the relationship doesn’t sound very healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We can’t fairly say who is in the wrong.

That is a really big escalation over declining sex and you’re withholding too much information for us to make a judgment. Like the history of this behavior, whether you get along, your sex life, what happened that day, etc.

Most times we do get along, sometimes we fight.

We make love often, almost everyday, if we miss a day, it’s twice the next, and yesterday was one of those days. But I was genuinely tired, so I said we can do twice the next day(which is today), but he kept pushing, so I didn’t know what else to say, now he’s asking for it now..

Nothing happened that day. -OP

Don’t have a baby with this man. He will 100% cheat.

[Anonymous]

You are definitely not in the wrong here…. Your husband is!

He owes you a sincere apology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first poster is ridiculous.
If you say, “not tonight, tomorrow,” then that should be the end of the discussion. If he keeps bringing it up, then he is being a jerk, and you should be allowed to call him out on it without repercussions.

I mean, I would expect this from my six year old if I told him that we couldn’t get ice cream tonight, but we will tomorrow.

OP conveniently does not tell us exactly what happened between her saying “not tonight, tomorrow,” and calling him and entitled jerk. People who escalate like this usually feed each other that energy.

She said that “he didn’t take it well.”

What are you thinking happened, pp? I really can’t imagine any acceptable scenario other than him dropping it and letting her go to sleep.

I imagine he was grumbling, or maybe said something to himself. She doesn’t say exactly what he says.

But I’m saying that in a toxic relationship, which I have been in, none of these types of incidents happen in isolation. There’s a pattern and there’s stuff that happens earlier in the day and there’s a whole toxic dynamic that needs both people. From the way op describes it I think she is not disclosing the whole story.

Like this isn’t the first time she’s called him an entitled jerk and this isn’t the first time he’s called her an f-ing B and there’s still sex happening between them.

I think you are projecting a lot here.
And really, grumbling isn’t okay.

I said this earlier, but if I told my child we were getting ice cream tomorrow and he grumbled about not getting it today, I would tell him to cut it out. I would definitely expect better from a grown man.

Your husband is not your child and shouldn't be treated as such. That's YOU projecting. I have read this forum for a long time and typically when a woman posts a story like OP's with this type of sudden bad behavior, no background, and a request for validation, it's because she's part of the dynamic and is looking for people to tell her how she's not. Like you can see how she feeds into the toxicity of the relationship by refusing to make him dinner instead of them having a talk about what happened last night.

It takes two to tango, and if that's projecting, I'm projecting.

I didn’t say that I treat my husband like a child. I said that OP’s husband is using less of his frontal cortex than a typical six year old, and OP has every right to be upset.
I’m sure that she has her part in this dynamic, but it’s probably that she gets too upset over things like this, and then imagines that it’s all her fault.
It’s not all her fault, and she should be upset.

I don’t think it’s all her fault. It’s very rare that it’s “all” one person’s fault. I think she left out too much information. Like she doesn’t seem very shocked that he called her an f-ing B, and she seems to be continuing the conflict into the next day, and now he’s giving her the silent treatment, another toxic behavior on his part. But do they have an active sex life? This isn’t adding up.

I don’t really get what you aren’t getting. Here’s what I am hearing:

It’s a borderline-narcissist thing.
She was more triggered by the general grumbling and sighing than most people would be, but most people would be upset about it, and he WAS treating her like crap. She was trying to calm herself down, but still stand up for herself, so she “jokingly” called him a jerk. He was already upset about whatever narcissistic injury happened at work that day, and he wanted her to comfort him and reassure him that he is loved. He feels love and acceptance through sex since he can’t talk about his emotions. But she’s tired, and now she’s mad at him too. He was feeling much more rejected than most men would. So he called her a “f*ck-ing b—-.” This isn’t the first time this has happened, and she isn’t surprised.
Now, she doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to bring it up without it being an explosive fight, but she doesn’t want to let it go either. He isn’t giving her the silent treatment. He just wants to act like it never happened. Since she can’t bring it up, and she doesn’t want to act like it never happened, she is doing this passive aggressive stuff like not making him dinner.
She’s hoping that he will bring it up, say that he’s sorry, and they will have a long talk about her feelings. This probably happened a few times at the beginning of their relationship, but never ever again.
He’s wondering when she is going to stop acting crazy and go back to normal. It doesn’t really occur to him that he could apologize and listen to her talk for 20 minutes and it would be over.

Eventually, either she will decide to just forget it, stuff it down, and go back to normal, or she will explode, he will get defensive, they will have a fight where she screams all of the things that she wanted to say in a quiet intimate moment.

After the fight, she will feel better because she will feel like she got to say the things she wanted to say, sort of. And she will go back to normal.
He will think that she’s crazy, had this whole passive aggressive thing, then screamed at him for no reason, and be completely unable to see his part in it.
They will go back to having sex, and the whole thing repeats.

The narrative in their relationship will be that he is “stoic,” and she is “crazy.” (Even though this whole thing got started by his feelings, and she spends a HUGE amount of time managing his emotions and making him feel loved and secure…much, much more time than he spends managing her emotions.)

So, yeah, I am going to say that she’s not abusive, it’s perfectly reasonable to not have sex when you don’t want to, and it’s fine to tell your spouse not to grumble and that you will tomorrow. Maybe she needs to work on being more calm about it when she says it, but not because it’s going to change him. Only because it will stop her from seeing herself as the crazy person who is responsible for his anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We can’t fairly say who is in the wrong.

That is a really big escalation over declining sex and you’re withholding too much information for us to make a judgment. Like the history of this behavior, whether you get along, your sex life, what happened that day, etc.

Is "being close" a euphemism for sex? That totally went over my head!

[Anonymous]

OP, can't be real. She and her DH are too icky and weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first poster is ridiculous.
If you say, “not tonight, tomorrow,” then that should be the end of the discussion. If he keeps bringing it up, then he is being a jerk, and you should be allowed to call him out on it without repercussions.

I mean, I would expect this from my six year old if I told him that we couldn’t get ice cream tonight, but we will tomorrow.

OP conveniently does not tell us exactly what happened between her saying “not tonight, tomorrow,” and calling him and entitled jerk. People who escalate like this usually feed each other that energy.

She said that “he didn’t take it well.”

What are you thinking happened, pp? I really can’t imagine any acceptable scenario other than him dropping it and letting her go to sleep.

I imagine he was grumbling, or maybe said something to himself. She doesn’t say exactly what he says.

But I’m saying that in a toxic relationship, which I have been in, none of these types of incidents happen in isolation. There’s a pattern and there’s stuff that happens earlier in the day and there’s a whole toxic dynamic that needs both people. From the way op describes it I think she is not disclosing the whole story.

Like this isn’t the first time she’s called him an entitled jerk and this isn’t the first time he’s called her an f-ing B and there’s still sex happening between them.

All that toxic tension makes the sex hotter when it actually does happen.