Am I horrible for wanting a second version of life?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t wait. I met someone. Why are you resigning to living life alone? Kids don’t have to meet anyone until you’re serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you get with a man who has young kids, you'll be picking up way more of his load than he'll be picking up of yours. Unless he's super rich!

This would be my biggest concern. But childless would be a concern too because what if he wants his own child and the treats that child differently. So much to worry about.

[Anonymous]

The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

People *seem* find because it's not socially acceptable to not seem fine. If you ever say you dislike having divorced parents or a stepfamily, people accuse you of having psychological problems. So people keep their real opinions quiet.

It's still a terrible, terrible deal for a woman to be a stepmother, especially a woman who already has children to care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband blew up his (our) entire life (marriage, career, friendships, family of origin) 4 years ago and I divorced him. Our kids were only 1 and 3 at the time. I was 30. It was devastating to me and I was absolutely blindsided, but I never dropped any balls. I'm in a really good place as a mom, in my career, my girls friends, etc. Ive had the kids in therapy since they were each 4yo and theyre great, well adjusted kids so far.

I am just so freaking lonely. I always wanted a partnership, to do life with someone.

I feel so guilty wanting to build a second version of life with someone new. It seems like everyone says that you should wait til the kids are out of the house to be serious with someone, but if Im being honest 15+ years feels so, so long and like I have so much love to give someone (and hopefully receive) and my prime is just being wasted because of what my ex husband did to me. I absolutely know that motherhood is a gift and I do treasure of it and work very hard to be a good parent. And I want to always keep my kids needs paramount, but man do I want a partner.

You are not horrible. You have time to seek out and find someone when your kids are with your ex. That way you can figure it out slowly.

Also, no one has the life they thought they would get. IME, it is a constant stream of unexpected (some good, some terrible) events.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine to date as long as the guy you’re dating never stays over, you don’t blend families, you don’t become a mom to his children.

You guys align your weekends and see each other when the kids are at their other spouses.

You can do that until the kids are out of the house or at least deep into high school.

The reality is if you have a bunch of dudes coming in and out of your life, you put your kids at risk and you’re gonna screw up their way of thinking about relationships.

[Anonymous]

Your DH blew your kids life up. You find a new "partner" and you will do it again. Date discreetly, and leave your kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

I seem "fine." By all DCUM standards (which are questionable, but whatever) I seem far more than fine.

I am not. Behind close doors my stepparent was abusing me and I have never gotten over the rage and depression. My mother put up a big-happy-blended-family front until she died.

[Anonymous]

Not “everyone” says you should wait till your kids are out of the house to date/remarry.

Lots of people (moms and dads) remarry when they have kids still at home.

Be mindful of your children when you date, when you introduce them to new partners, and consider how marrying will change the dynamic in your home. But there are no absolutes about when it’s the “right” time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

Because some of us want better things for our children than the ability to "seem fine". Like actually being fine, or better than fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way DCUM treats blended/stepfamilies/divorce is weird. If you look around, go online, you could see how common growing up like this is, and most people seem fine.

I seem "fine." By all DCUM standards (which are questionable, but whatever) I seem far more than fine.

I am not. Behind close doors my stepparent was abusing me and I have never gotten over the rage and depression. My mother put up a big-happy-blended-family front until she died.

But this OP is not like your family. She faces reality and deals with it.

OP, you sound like a wonderful person and loving mom. Of course it’s ok to date. I hope a great guy turns up. And when he does, I’m sure you will have all the wisdom and patience about how to manage having someone in your life whether as a long term boyfriend or new husband.

[Anonymous]

Hard truth, if you are already thinking about this as a second version then you’ll screw over your kids. The “do over” kids will serve as a painful reminder to your “dumped kids” that not only did they not have the happy family but right in their faces is their mother being great with the do over kids.

The best you can do would be to not stop working and make sure that you put money into college savings etc for your dumped kids. If you inherited anything from your parents don’t squander it on yourself and your do over kids, put some away for your dumped kids. Don’t expect your dumped kids to love the situation. Don’t rationalize that they are fine and you deserve your happiness so everything is OK. It isn’t. It sucks for the dumped kids. Just own it and don’t pretend you are a great mom, you aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Op here- im not having more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- im not having more kids.

If you end up with someone who has kids it’s even worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard truth, if you are already thinking about this as a second version then you’ll screw over your kids. The “do over” kids will serve as a painful reminder to your “dumped kids” that not only did they not have the happy family but right in their faces is their mother being great with the do over kids.

The best you can do would be to not stop working and make sure that you put money into college savings etc for your dumped kids. If you inherited anything from your parents don’t squander it on yourself and your do over kids, put some away for your dumped kids. Don’t expect your dumped kids to love the situation. Don’t rationalize that they are fine and you deserve your happiness so everything is OK. It isn’t. It sucks for the dumped kids. Just own it and don’t pretend you are a great mom, you aren’t.

Whoa, there's some serious projecting going on here. Who said OP is planning to "dump" her kids for a do over??