How often do you tell your children no when it comes to affection?

[Anonymous]

Never.

But my kids want what I could consider an appropriate level of affection. If it was constant, I’d probably set up some boundaries.

Your friend really needs to consider when and how she’s saying no, and ensure she’s meeting the kid’s individual and unique needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is doing it backwards.

Her kids will actually become more "needy" because when they asked for physical affection to help meet their emotional needs, their mom rejected them for the sole purpose of rejecting them.

It's fine to let your kid know you need space for whatever reason. Sometimes I tell my kid I can't do hugs at the moment because (1) I'm exercising or cooking or some other activity that makes a hug awkward or inconvenient, but I will hug them after, (2) I'm sick or injured and will ask them for a different form of affection that won't spread germs or is more comfortable, or (3) I'm just totally touched out and need some time to myself, in which case I frame it as me just needing some alone time and we'll make a plan to reconnect a little later.

But I would never tell my kid I won't hug her because she gets too many hugs or needs too much affection. That's a surefire way to turn her into someone who feels deprived of physical affection, which could lead to her being more needy with friends and romantic partners in the future. It's dysfunctional. It is a-ok to ask for a hug or physical affection from a loved one. My DH and I do it all the time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never say no mom but that's my choice. Mothers get judged so much. It's really gross to expect mothers (always the mothers) to be physically on-demand like that. I think it's ok for a parent to be touched out and know their boundaries.

People who talk about "boundaries" with their young kids aren't cut out to be parents. Bad parents earn their judgement.

Maybe not using the word “boundaries” with their kids, but of course parents can have boundaries?

Am I misunderstanding?

[Anonymous]

Never. Why would I do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never say no mom but that's my choice. Mothers get judged so much. It's really gross to expect mothers (always the mothers) to be physically on-demand like that. I think it's ok for a parent to be touched out and know their boundaries.

People who talk about "boundaries" with their young kids aren't cut out to be parents. Bad parents earn their judgement.

Maybe not using the word “boundaries” with their kids, but of course parents can have boundaries?

Am I misunderstanding?

You’re not misunderstanding, PP is a troll and/or a martyr who never tells their kids no and will likely raise spoiled brats. But more likely just a troll trying to stir up controversy.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

Oh my heart! You do have every right to say no - it sounds exhausting, time consuming, the works. At the same time, that's so sweet and pretty awesome that she still wants that time with you.

[Anonymous]

Never say no to affection from my kids. That’s one of the joys of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

A teen who wants to talk to you? Who would ever turn that down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

I'm the PP above with the two very different kids. I think it's also important to consider sibling dynamics. My snuggly kid is my older one, and we did have to set limits like "I can't snuggle you right now, I need to stay with your brother on the playground equipment", just like we had to set limits like "It's brother's turn to pick and he wants to swing, so let's head over to the swings and you can swing too". (Note: my younger kid was running and climbing by 7 months, so there was definitely time when he was not ready to be on the playground equipment and needed to be contained if I was going to pay attention to his brother

Similarly, it's OK to say "I can give you a quick hug, but I can't spend 45 minutes pu)tting you to bed, because I'm helping your sister edit her college essay".

I feel like parents who say you can never turn down physical affection, either don't have a kid who craves it constantly, or they only have one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

A teen who wants to talk to you? Who would ever turn that down?

Someone with more than one kid.

[Anonymous]

Is this "friend" actually your spouse?

[Anonymous]

my kid is always trying to sit on me, but now he's 50 pounds and I just can't... so I say "no" to that. Hugs/cuddles/kisses always OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I think I’m very affectionate, but I have an almost 14 year old who still wants me to put her to bed every night. By which I mean, she wants me to read while she “does her skin care routine,” have protracted discussions about what to wear the next day and then endlessly chat about whatever until she gets sleepy. It is like a 45 minute ritual. And she is now old enough that this might start as late as 9:15 at which point I’m exhausted. So I sometimes say “no” and that upsets her quite a bit. But really, I deserve my own time sometimes.

That said, I will be sad when this stops.

That is so sweet. My 13 yo wants my presence too while he is getting ready to sleep. He doesn't have a skin care routine though lol. So for us this means me sitting by his bed while he reads a book and then saying good night as he falls asleep. I sometimes get annoyed as I'm tired and its getting late but I know will miss these times when it stops.

[Anonymous]

When my kid would come in and want extra snuggles and I was exhausted (so, not often at all), I'd say that I'm very tired and ask him to tuck ME in. That works great.

Your story sounds a bit off. Either you are not getting the full story or the mom in question has serious issues.