How often do you tell your children no when it comes to affection?

[Anonymous]

Your friend is doing it backwards.

Her kids will actually become more "needy" because when they asked for physical affection to help meet their emotional needs, their mom rejected them for the sole purpose of rejecting them.

It's fine to let your kid know you need space for whatever reason. Sometimes I tell my kid I can't do hugs at the moment because (1) I'm exercising or cooking or some other activity that makes a hug awkward or inconvenient, but I will hug them after, (2) I'm sick or injured and will ask them for a different form of affection that won't spread germs or is more comfortable, or (3) I'm just totally touched out and need some time to myself, in which case I frame it as me just needing some alone time and we'll make a plan to reconnect a little later.

But I would never tell my kid I won't hug her because she gets too many hugs or needs too much affection. That's a surefire way to turn her into someone who feels deprived of physical affection, which could lead to her being more needy with friends and romantic partners in the future. It's dysfunctional. It is a-ok to ask for a hug or physical affection from a loved one. My DH and I do it all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a never say no mom but that's my choice. Mothers get judged so much. It's really gross to expect mothers (always the mothers) to be physically on-demand like that. I think it's ok for a parent to be touched out and know their boundaries.

People who talk about "boundaries" with their young kids aren't cut out to be parents. Bad parents earn their judgement.

[Anonymous]

I say no when *I* don't feel like being touched. It's important for me to model to my kids that no means no, and girls/women are allowed to say no to unwanted touch.

But I don't say no just because I don't want them getting clingy. If we're both down for a hug, we hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say no when *I* don't feel like being touched. It's important for me to model to my kids that no means no, and girls/women are allowed to say no to unwanted touch.

But I don't say no just because I don't want them getting clingy. If we're both down for a hug, we hug.

How often do you refuse them hugs, and how old are they?
I don’t see a parent responding physically to a toddler (for example) as being in any way related to bodily consent. It’s just parenting.

[Anonymous]

She sounds psycho...

[Anonymous]

Those kids are gonna end up really messed up

To the people saying “oh what if they’re pushing bedtime”, if that was the case then the friend would have said so from the beginning

[Anonymous]

Almost never. I have said no when it's REALLY hot and they want to sit nearly on top of me at a restaurant, or want to hold hands, etc. But hugs and being tucked in? Always a yes.

[Anonymous]

Never. It’s one of the things I love the most about being a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that they are using those things as a bedtime stalling technique?

Otherwise no unless it's like a safety thing example I'm using the oven it's hot no hugs right now.

Or I'm going to the bathroom hugs are later.

.or and this is controversial at an activity that's meant for them to be with other kids I won't have them sitting with me the whole time.

Yeah I mostly just have to cut it off at some point when it's being used to prolong bedtime.

Otherwise like a PP if there is something going on with the sibling that needs my attention.

But usually I am all in on this stuff.

This. I ALWAYS say yes to snuggles and hugs, but honestly, my 6 year old comes into my room probably 4 times between his 830 bedtime and around 10pm to ask for water, or for me to fix a toy, or to ask where a book is. And when I tell him for the 9th time to please just go back to bed, he's like, "but I just want to snuggle!" and crawls into bed next to me. I honestly can't tell if that's what he wanted all along, or if he's just stalling bedtime yet again, and i'm always torn. Sometimes I say yes but just for a minute. Sometimes, if it's the third time that night, I say no. I always feel like a monster also, but.... he's clearly stalling bedtime and I'm tired too! I have to draw the line somewhere and tell him to get back in bed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say no when *I* don't feel like being touched. It's important for me to model to my kids that no means no, and girls/women are allowed to say no to unwanted touch.

But I don't say no just because I don't want them getting clingy. If we're both down for a hug, we hug.

How often do you refuse them hugs, and how old are they?
I don’t see a parent responding physically to a toddler (for example) as being in any way related to bodily consent. It’s just parenting.

3 and 9. Typically I refuse hugs if I’m overstimulated and taking a break from kids, in which case it’s “mommy needs a mental break, I’ll hug you in 10 minutes”, or times where touching mom is strictly off limits, such as when I’m working out. Then we reconnect and can hug afterwards.

Also, most kids aren’t verbally saying “can I have a hug” until they’re older. Young kids just come over and latch on. If you’re doing something and don’t want a small kid hanging off of you, totally okay to say not now to them. Some kids are also extremely clingy and will hang on you hours a day - that’s not great.

We do a lot of physical touch. We cuddle a lot, hug a lot, etc. But everyone knows they are allowed to refuse hugs or other unwanted touch. My kids will often tell each other to stop touching them. Parents also get to do that.

[Anonymous]

The only time was when they were little and bedtime stalling was a huge game, but that was after an hour of bedtime routine, at least 20 minutes being snuggles.

They’re teens now and the affection is still there but not as much. I can’t imagine denying kids affection to teach them to not be needy. That makes me really sad

[Anonymous]

For the first time recently. My daughter wanted a hug while I was literally vomiting (we both had the flu).

[Anonymous]

One of my kids, who was later diagnosed with anxiety, would have chosen physical contact over almost any other activity as a toddler and preschooler. He always wanted to nurse, or be held, or to sit on my lap. He got lots of snuggles and physical affection, but he also got told "No more snuggles, it's time to lie down and go to sleep", or "OK, it's time to play. I can push you on the swings, or we can climb on the climber together", or "I'm going to go cook now, you can play with your trains or I can set you up to 'wash dishes' at the sink."

My other kid didn't need that at all. The difference was clear from very early infancy. If I was holding him he was always wiggling to get down and move, and required a lot of chasing. If he asked for physical affection he always got it, and I often offered when he wasn't asking, but he still got a small percentage of the physical affection his brother got.

I think if your kid is like my younger kid, or like my nieces and nephews who are more in the middle, it's hard to imagine a kid who needs help to become independent.

[Anonymous]

Omg never ...except when I don't want her legs all over my body and I need space to eat or something like that. She's big now too at 8!

[Anonymous]

Never!

…unless they are trying to manipulate me when we are watching TV and it’s time to start bedtime routine- my youngest does this, but my other kids never did.

Physical affection is absolutely necessary for emotional growth - independence is about letting your kids do developmentally appropriate things (and sometimes fail) on their own.