Do men ever change?

[Anonymous]

No and agree this isn’t a man vs woman thing. Most people do not change. They might sincerely attempt to change and you could see success in that regard, but over time they will revert to their previous state. DH and I have done therapy, we’ve had our share of come to Jesus conversations, but ultimately we always end up right back to where we started with the same behaviors and issues. Since I’ve accepted I cannot change him and the only person I have control over is me, I actively make the choice to ignore (mostly) the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

[Anonymous]

Some people change, I sure did, but circumstances forced me to.

[Anonymous]

My DH changed

He got fat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH changed

He got fat

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, absolutely. If people want to, they can change.

This is key

[Anonymous]

I think it’s less “change” but shift, grow, adapt.

[Anonymous]

The birthday stuff is really normal with a lot of men. My DH doesn’t care at all about birthdays so he finds it hard to understand why other people (adults, not kids) do care. I just make my own birthday plans and he goes along with whatever I want to do. I also don’t really care because he’s more of the person to give a random spontaneous gift because he prefers that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. But women don't change either. That's why you marry someone knowing full well who they are and not a project.

or you date long enough to confirm that you can grow and change together. No one stays the same.

This is so tragically naive. There's no predicting who can "grow and change together" BECAUSE no one stays the same. You can try to find someone you're generally compatible with, and you can try to find someone who's open to change and willing to evolve, but there are zero guarantees here. Life gets lifey and there's no way to predict who will step up and handle it and who might crumple and fold.

It's worked for me and dh going on 35 years. I suppose I'm "naive" or maybe I am open and flexible, as is dh. We dated 5 years before marriage and knew we could grow together when we took our vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

Got it. You ARE a typical, petty woman who accumulates grievances for the purposes of weaponizing them in a fight later. And you have no intention of changing your nagging, negative, uptight ways. What a twat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No and agree this isn’t a man vs woman thing. Most people do not change. They might sincerely attempt to change and you could see success in that regard, but over time they will revert to their previous state. DH and I have done therapy, we’ve had our share of come to Jesus conversations, but ultimately we always end up right back to where we started with the same behaviors and issues. Since I’ve accepted I cannot change him and the only person I have control over is me, I actively make the choice to ignore (mostly) the small stuff.

This is the answer. You simply cannot control other people, no matter how much you may want to. But you do control yourself and your reactions. You choose what you feel and what’s important to you. It is tempting and infinitely easier to blame others for how we feel. But ultimately, how we feel and what’s important we do is our responsibility.

And yes, I know what forum I’m in 😂

[Anonymous]

yes, they could change if there is motivation. You also need to adjust your expectation because I see a lot of resentment in you. How old is he and what do you want from him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. But women don't change either. That's why you marry someone knowing full well who they are and not a project.

or you date long enough to confirm that you can grow and change together. No one stays the same.

This is so tragically naive. There's no predicting who can "grow and change together" BECAUSE no one stays the same. You can try to find someone you're generally compatible with, and you can try to find someone who's open to change and willing to evolve, but there are zero guarantees here. Life gets lifey and there's no way to predict who will step up and handle it and who might crumple and fold.

It's worked for me and dh going on 35 years. I suppose I'm "naive" or maybe I am open and flexible, as is dh. We dated 5 years before marriage and knew we could grow together when we took our vows.

Or maybe you got lucky. I'm glad it's working out for you, and that's probably not because of you. There's nothing guaranteeing you won't hit an impasse in the next year.

The point isn't that people can't make it work long-term. The point is that there's no way of "knowing full well who they are" in advance, because life itself will change people. You take your best shot and you get what you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Typical woman, accumulating resentments, ready to list grievances in a fight. Can you change?

Typical idiot, ignoring that past is prologue, demanding a clear slate as if you didn't do what you did. If you don't apologize for you BS, you don't clear it. Don't blame others for remembering you were a jerk, gaslighting mf

Got it. You ARE a typical, petty woman who accumulates grievances for the purposes of weaponizing them in a fight later. And you have no intention of changing your nagging, negative, uptight ways. What a twat.

You sound lovely.