Do men ever change?

[Anonymous]

I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

[Anonymous]

No. People can improve a little with great, consistent effort. But he will never change into what you want him to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. People can improve a little with great, consistent effort. But he will never change into what you want him to be.

+1

He may change a smidge. Maybe.

[Anonymous]

Yes, absolutely. If people want to, they can change.

[Anonymous]

Yes I know several women whose husbands changed in their 40s and 50s. I think it took a long time for them to understand how much their behavior was impacting their wives.

[Anonymous]

It's always possible for people to change, but it's rare. It's the same for women and men.

[Anonymous]

Mine, as he put it, "had the strength to change."

That said, he wasn't a narcissist.
He was a person who loved to debate and would keep at it until you conceded he was RIGHT. Even on something where objective right and wrong, or correct and incorrect, mattered less to me than having my feelings and preferences honored. Thus the debate was an argument as far as I was concerned.

When we were still dating and hadn't moved in together, I remember saying to him, "I guess you really HAVE to be RIGHT," and walked away and went home.

That made an impression. He stopped being that guy, at least with me.

[Anonymous]

They usually don't, because they are comfortable the way they are. Another thing I've seen is the capacity issue. You cannot ask a fish to climb a tree.
I know someone who were willing to do better to get their partner back. Not just better, but anything.They didn't know how to do it. All this 'trying' didn't work out. They tried so hard that it cost them their life. True story.

[Anonymous]

No. But women don't change either. That's why you marry someone knowing full well who they are and not a project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

I fail to see why your examples are big deals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, absolutely. If people want to, they can change.

The correct answer, BUT it takes character (which he has yet to develop), consistency, humility, self awareness and the strength to deal with the feeling that arise when you fully grasp what an @ss you were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

I fail to see why your examples are big deals.

You'll never change! What op describes can be summed up in this theme: not being there for op when the chips were down and she needed support the most. A more apt question could be: can op forgive dhs emotional abandonment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. But women don't change either. That's why you marry someone knowing full well who they are and not a project.

or you date long enough to confirm that you can grow and change together. No one stays the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. But women don't change either. That's why you marry someone knowing full well who they are and not a project.

or you date long enough to confirm that you can grow and change together. No one stays the same.

This is so tragically naive. There's no predicting who can "grow and change together" BECAUSE no one stays the same. You can try to find someone you're generally compatible with, and you can try to find someone who's open to change and willing to evolve, but there are zero guarantees here. Life gets lifey and there's no way to predict who will step up and handle it and who might crumple and fold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married 12 years to a man who is genuinely a good, ethical man who is *capable* of empathy.

That said, he also has what we’ll call narcissistic tendencies (not full blown - there are moments of clarity), and he has been a self centered ass during many periods in our marriage where I really needed support. Like when I got laid off right after maternity leave and had to go on months of grueling and discouraging interviews while taking care of 2 young children.

Or like when he did absolutely nothing for my 40th birthday 2 years after I coordinated a great party for his birthday.

After some very serious fights and discussions he is claiming to recognize the self centered neglect and impact it has had on me.

Can a person ever truly change? Or should I prepare for more of the same?

Did he really want that 40th birthday party? Did you ask him for more support when you were laid off? Most men don't care about birthdays. And he must of thought you enjoyed being a part time SAHM. You need to tell him want you need.