Would you include MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because you’re making this about YOU and YOUR judgment about what is okay and not okay. You’ve decided that it’s sad for MIL to be alone on Christmas. Maybe MIL is fine being alone. But you can’t accept that. So you’ve painted yourself as this martyr who has to suffer through MIL’s poor attitude just so she isn’t alone. It must be so painful to type with all those splinters from the cross you’ve built for yourself.

Exactly. If you insist on forcing her into your idea of family time, then don't complain when she's not happy about it, for God's sakes. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone shares your idea of how much togetherness is acceptable, and that's a GOOD THING. We need a diversity of peoples and thought patterns in our species.

You're so incredibly judgemental, OP. Stop looking down on people who want to live their lives differently.

Then why even have kids? If you have no interest in them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because people like you want such pats on the back for including someone for 4 days of their 21 day vacation…well, how dare the guest have any opinion. Good grief OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

It's the right thing to do. I'm glad you made that decision. I don't think you need to make any special effort to do something to make her happy. It's stressful for you, and probably for her too. It almost sounds like she is on the spectrum or just very rigid, she likes what she is comfortable with and she's not the type of personality to give you a big joyful reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because you’re making this about YOU and YOUR judgment about what is okay and not okay. You’ve decided that it’s sad for MIL to be alone on Christmas. Maybe MIL is fine being alone. But you can’t accept that. So you’ve painted yourself as this martyr who has to suffer through MIL’s poor attitude just so she isn’t alone. It must be so painful to type with all those splinters from the cross you’ve built for yourself.

Exactly. If you insist on forcing her into your idea of family time, then don't complain when she's not happy about it, for God's sakes. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone shares your idea of how much togetherness is acceptable, and that's a GOOD THING. We need a diversity of peoples and thought patterns in our species.

You're so incredibly judgemental, OP. Stop looking down on people who want to live their lives differently.

Then why even have kids? If you have no interest in them?

This is a red herring argument and you know it. Don't you dare use it against us lawyers of DCUM

We're telling you that you can't force your holiday and family ideals on this person. You wouldn't like it if someone else wanted to force their ideas on you, would you?

So stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because you’re making this about YOU and YOUR judgment about what is okay and not okay. You’ve decided that it’s sad for MIL to be alone on Christmas. Maybe MIL is fine being alone. But you can’t accept that. So you’ve painted yourself as this martyr who has to suffer through MIL’s poor attitude just so she isn’t alone. It must be so painful to type with all those splinters from the cross you’ve built for yourself.

Exactly. If you insist on forcing her into your idea of family time, then don't complain when she's not happy about it, for God's sakes. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone shares your idea of how much togetherness is acceptable, and that's a GOOD THING. We need a diversity of peoples and thought patterns in our species.

You're so incredibly judgemental, OP. Stop looking down on people who want to live their lives differently.

Then why even have kids? If you have no interest in them?

This is a red herring argument and you know it. Don't you dare use it against us lawyers of DCUM

We're telling you that you can't force your holiday and family ideals on this person. You wouldn't like it if someone else wanted to force their ideas on you, would you?

So stop complaining.

Dp but she's free to decline right? That she always accepts indicates she doesn't want to be alone, even if she's a curmudgeon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because people like you want such pats on the back for including someone for 4 days of their 21 day vacation…well, how dare the guest have any opinion. Good grief OP.

Then simple solution, she can easily decline and say you have other plans. It was a simple request “let us know if you would like us to book a flight with us to park city for Christmas” Some of you are absolutely nuts. It’s the kind thing to do ask even if she doesn’t want to and she can be a big girl and say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because you’re making this about YOU and YOUR judgment about what is okay and not okay. You’ve decided that it’s sad for MIL to be alone on Christmas. Maybe MIL is fine being alone. But you can’t accept that. So you’ve painted yourself as this martyr who has to suffer through MIL’s poor attitude just so she isn’t alone. It must be so painful to type with all those splinters from the cross you’ve built for yourself.

Exactly. If you insist on forcing her into your idea of family time, then don't complain when she's not happy about it, for God's sakes. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone shares your idea of how much togetherness is acceptable, and that's a GOOD THING. We need a diversity of peoples and thought patterns in our species.

You're so incredibly judgemental, OP. Stop looking down on people who want to live their lives differently.

Then why even have kids? If you have no interest in them?

This is a red herring argument and you know it. Don't you dare use it against us lawyers of DCUM

We're telling you that you can't force your holiday and family ideals on this person. You wouldn't like it if someone else wanted to force their ideas on you, would you?

So stop complaining.

How is “let us know” forcing someone? She can decline. End. of. discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

Because you’re making this about YOU and YOUR judgment about what is okay and not okay. You’ve decided that it’s sad for MIL to be alone on Christmas. Maybe MIL is fine being alone. But you can’t accept that. So you’ve painted yourself as this martyr who has to suffer through MIL’s poor attitude just so she isn’t alone. It must be so painful to type with all those splinters from the cross you’ve built for yourself.

Exactly. If you insist on forcing her into your idea of family time, then don't complain when she's not happy about it, for God's sakes. Not everyone thinks like you, not everyone shares your idea of how much togetherness is acceptable, and that's a GOOD THING. We need a diversity of peoples and thought patterns in our species.

You're so incredibly judgemental, OP. Stop looking down on people who want to live their lives differently.

Then why even have kids? If you have no interest in them?

This is a red herring argument and you know it. Don't you dare use it against us lawyers of DCUM

We're telling you that you can't force your holiday and family ideals on this person. You wouldn't like it if someone else wanted to force their ideas on you, would you?

So stop complaining.

Dp but she's free to decline right? That she always accepts indicates she doesn't want to be alone, even if she's a curmudgeon.

+1. I've learned that some people just are naturally critical and curmudgeonly. It comes to them as naturally as breathing and were never loved enough to overcome this tendency. Your job is to let it float off you into the ether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

You came on a message board asking for advice. By far the majority said drop it and don’t invite her and you responded with “went ahead and invited her” and then complained she doesn’t appreciate you and likes so and so better.
That’s being a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

You came on a message board asking for advice. By far the majority said drop it and don’t invite her and you responded with “went ahead and invited her” and then complained she doesn’t appreciate you and likes so and so better.
That’s being a martyr.

Np - People often give bad, often damaging advice here. Of course she needed to invite her dh’s mother and kids’ grandma, it is the normal, decent thing to do. It’s odd to assume her being difficult there means she does not want to come. She’s just grumpy and set in her ways but nobody is forcing her to come. And yes, sometimes being kind to older family means enduring a bit and it’s ok to complain. Op is still doing the right thing in the long run. People overuse the word martyr to shame women venting about making efforts for the sake of family.

[Anonymous]

OP you don't have to. You need to see her throughout the year -- but with enough advanced notice, no you do not need to be responsible that she has plans for Christmas. Since her coming is a pattern though, your DH needs to lay the framework well in advance - like 6 months. That you're going to have other plans (don't be specific) He and he alone handles this. One you make the break from the current pattern, there's no going back. Don't make an invite a -sometime- thing varying from year to year. AND your family needs to see her regularly throughout the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I went ahead and invited her. Ball is in her court. The irony is she is so much nicer to her other brother and DIL, who has never even checked in with her for a single holiday in the 5 years they have been married, Thanksgiving Easter or Christmas to see if she would like to join them. They simply spend every holiday with her ex husband.

Shaking my head. YOU are the problem. Let it go.

How am I the problem?
I feel bad for her because she’s absolutely alone with no family or friends and I will put up with her for 4 days so she’s not alone on Christmas. I don’t enjoy her company because she’s not very kind to me but I put up with it because letting a senior stay home alone on Christmas is sad.

You came on a message board asking for advice. By far the majority said drop it and don’t invite her and you responded with “went ahead and invited her” and then complained she doesn’t appreciate you and likes so and so better.
That’s being a martyr.

Np - People often give bad, often damaging advice here. Of course she needed to invite her dh’s mother and kids’ grandma, it is the normal, decent thing to do. It’s odd to assume her being difficult there means she does not want to come. She’s just grumpy and set in her ways but nobody is forcing her to come. And yes, sometimes being kind to older family means enduring a bit and it’s ok to complain. Op is still doing the right thing in the long run. People overuse the word martyr to shame women venting about making efforts for the sake of family.

If it’s bothering her enough to come post about it on a message board, it’s time to stop letting grumpy grandma ruin her holidays. I will NOT look back in 15 years and be mad at my MIL. I will prioritize my kids and my own happiness because my MIL will never be happy. You only get so many holidays with your kids. So - I don’t believe it’s the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say/think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say/think?

He thinks it’s the kind thing to do just to invite her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband say/think?

He thinks it’s the kind thing to do just to invite her

Well I would hope he's not a complete monster.