My friends are telling me to be mean to men

[Anonymous]

You do you OP. I am never mean or disrespectful to women. If women were to be mean to me if I haven't done anything to warrant such behavior I will dump them as fast as possible.

Of a guy is mean to you, then he is not your guy.

Let me tell all of you women a little secret. We absolutely go a live and beyond for the women that we love. Of you are dating a guy and he is a not 100% into you, he is not your guy..don't listen to your friend who tell you that's how men are etc etc. No if you are truly the one you will not notice a drop of intrest from us.

[Anonymous]

Man here: in general, men don’t like “mean.” I think this is advice coming from people who have been hurt too many times before and have kind of hardened about relationships. The benign story is that this advice is well-calibrated to your doormat tendencies, so they are encouraging you to merely be more assertive and recognizing that this is likely to feel like being “mean” to you, but I kind of doubt it. Kindness and weakness are not the same thing; “kind but mindful of my own boundaries and willing to defend them” is way better than “mean” as an approach, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

honestly, if I followed this advice I could have avoided wasting so many years of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I’m too nice and a people pleaser with no boundaries. They’re telling me to attract a better quality man to start being a little mean. Is this a thing?

No, you will end up a frustrated, single cat lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Choose nicer men and you won't have to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think “mean” is the right word but I think every woman should say “no” to a few small things early in the relationship without justifying or apologizing. So along the lines of “No, let’s meet at 7, not 9.” “No, I don’t want to meet for a drink; let’s do coffee.”

The problem is that a lot of women are super accommodating up front and then they get 6 months into a relationship before they realize that the guy they are with doesn’t like them enough to do any of the work. A little pushback early in the relationship is a great way to weed out people who can’t handle you having or expressing needs.

100% this! Not mean, but perhaps to a doormat with no boundaries it feels mean, so I can see why OPs friends phrased it this way.

OP, it's important to see how men react to a simple "no".

[Anonymous]

I think when you've found the right one, there is this unexplained calm and confidence. There's no immediate pressure or thoughts that you'll lose the opportunity to connect further. When DH asked, I declined our first date because it wasn't convenient. And before that he knew where I worked but didn't have my name right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

Thats a lot of words to say: "I'm single too and have a hard time finding a man"
Honestly, it sounds like you want a man to be a doormat for you. That would drive me insane, as I need one who will challenge me as much as I challenge him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

This will only appeal to men who like princessy types. Men who like thoughtful, intelligent, fair-minded women will not be seeking out these women. And the words "when dating" are rather ominous. Who, then, in your worldview, has the upper hand when not dating? Because dating is only a brief period of time in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

Thats a lot of words to say: "I'm single too and have a hard time finding a man"
Honestly, it sounds like you want a man to be a doormat for you. That would drive me insane, as I need one who will challenge me as much as I challenge him.

Happily married for 16 years.

I prioritized finding a provider who would treat me well and be good father. It’s worked out so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

This will only appeal to men who like princessy types. Men who like thoughtful, intelligent, fair-minded women will not be seeking out these women. And the words "when dating" are rather ominous. Who, then, in your worldview, has the upper hand when not dating? Because dating is only a brief period of time in the relationship.

Once wed, marriage has an equalizing effect since both spouses have entered into a legal (and spiritual depending on your point of view) contract.

Why don’t thoughtful intelligent women deserve to be treated like princesses?

Aim higher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I’m too nice and a people pleaser with no boundaries. They’re telling me to attract a better quality man to start being a little mean. Is this a thing?

I think you need. Therapist to help you ascertain habits that are helpful vs harmful to your growth - as an individual and all your relationships - friends and romantic! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

This will only appeal to men who like princessy types. Men who like thoughtful, intelligent, fair-minded women will not be seeking out these women. And the words "when dating" are rather ominous. Who, then, in your worldview, has the upper hand when not dating? Because dating is only a brief period of time in the relationship.

Once wed, marriage has an equalizing effect since both spouses have entered into a legal (and spiritual depending on your point of view) contract.

Why don’t thoughtful intelligent women deserve to be treated like princesses?

Aim higher.

Beucase life isn't a fairy tale or a romance novel or a rom com. Expecting to be seen as royalty in your relationship establishes a very unhealthy dynamic. As a woman, I have zero interest in being seen or treated as a princess. I am a woman and I am competent and capable and an equal partner. I don't want to be seen as higher or lower than my spouse. And if my boyfriend told me he expected me to treat him like a prince or a king as he deserves that, I would tell him goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

Everyone has opinions. Women are conditioned by the patriarchy to prioritize the needs of men over their own.

Furthermore, men and women are not equal and do not approach relationships the same way. Women who enter into relationships with men expecting things to be “equal” are naive almost always get screwed.

More women than men are like the OP and excessively accommodating and agreeable. Men are more strategic and used to getting their way. Often they assume that their sex means that their role is to be the leader in the relationship. Which is not inherently a bad thing, but it can lead to entitlement, laziness, dismissiveness, and emotional abuse.

When dating, women hold all of the cards and should act accordingly.

This will only appeal to men who like princessy types. Men who like thoughtful, intelligent, fair-minded women will not be seeking out these women. And the words "when dating" are rather ominous. Who, then, in your worldview, has the upper hand when not dating? Because dating is only a brief period of time in the relationship.

Once wed, marriage has an equalizing effect since both spouses have entered into a legal (and spiritual depending on your point of view) contract.

Why don’t thoughtful intelligent women deserve to be treated like princesses?

Aim higher.

Beucase life isn't a fairy tale or a romance novel or a rom com. Expecting to be seen as royalty in your relationship establishes a very unhealthy dynamic. As a woman, I have zero interest in being seen or treated as a princess. I am a woman and I am competent and capable and an equal partner. I don't want to be seen as higher or lower than my spouse. And if my boyfriend told me he expected me to treat him like a prince or a king as he deserves that, I would tell him goodbye.

I never referred to royalty until you brought it up. It’s quite sad that your self worth is so low that you equated not tolerating poor behavior and understanding boundaries and options = “princess types”.

If you want to tolerate men jerking you around then it’s your right to do so but OP is trying to leave this dynamic, not seek it out.

You sound young and naive.

You’re not even married so I’m not sure why anyone would take dating advice from you.