My friends are telling me to be mean to men

[Anonymous]

Playing games is not a thing .

[Anonymous]

It's not about being mean, it's about not being a push over and a people pleaser, which would likely come off as mean to you. People who are push overs tend to attract jerks because they can walk all over them with no consequences.

Don't play games. Don't be mean. But stand your ground. Make your needs and desires known. If you don't like something, tell them. If you want them to do something tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having boundaries only feels mean when you are a doormat

Having boundaries only reads as "mean" to men who were expecting a doormat

As a former people pleaser, I definitely felt mean when I started pushing back, even when the other person gave zero indication of being bothered by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apparently I’m too nice and a people pleaser with no boundaries. They’re telling me to attract a better quality man to start being a little mean. Is this a thing?

No. Just be yourself with healthier boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Neither party should be mean or an ahole. If a woman was "mean" that would be the end of it and I hope she would feel the same way about me.

[Anonymous]

Are your friends happily married to quality guys?

[Anonymous]

Having self respect and boundaries is a different trait than being mean or high maintenance. You can be kind and easygoing without being a doormat. Being nice or people pleasing isn't always the same as being kind.

[Anonymous]

A lack of distinction between meanness and healthy boundaries indicates you need self-work before pursuing a relationship.

Former people-pleasers, like myself, often overcorrect, needlessly alienating good people because they lack the skill to set appropriate limits.

[Anonymous]

I hope this is a troll and not serious. Your friends are right that it is not attractive to be a people pleaser or a doormat. But the solution is no to go around being "mean" to people either. If you don't understand that and can't find a healthy middle, all the chatter on DCUM is not going to help you.

[Anonymous]

An actual good partner is going to bail if you take the advice on this thread and play head games and test him. People who are actually able to maintain healthy relationships don’t put up with that nonsense. It’s a massive red flag if you do that and anyone who can see red flags will be out of there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

Don’t be mean but remember that you have the upper hand.

Never accept poor treatment and immediately end the relationship if he treats you poorly.

Men sniff out low self esteem women who will tolerate their BS. Don’t be this person.

You need the immediately set the expectation that you know your value and will move on if he tries to take advantage or treat you poorly.

-signed, former people pleaser whose dating life improved dramatically when I adopted this behavior.

I think this is a bad attitude to take into a new relationship. Or any relationship, really. It’s so adversarial. Why not just treat people as equals, and expect to be treated as an equal in return?

[Anonymous]

I have never been a people pleaser, but I don’t think I’m mean. I married a quality guy and have been happy for 20 years.

Here is what that looked like in my specific case. His main flaw is being time blind from ADHD. His friends had horror stories about him being horrifically late for things. That simply was unacceptable to me. So, I told him to manage my expectations. If we had plans to go to dinner, he should call me when he left work (45 minutes away) and I would get ready then. Because if I sat around waiting and he was 15 minutes late, it would be super irritating. I also told him I would leave for events at x time and if he wasn’t there, I would leave without him and he could meet me there. I even said this when we booked a trip overseas. I was going to the airport at x time. I think I maybe left without him once for a minor event thing. He learned to do things like set alarms on his phone, etc that are still strategies he uses 20 years later. The kids get picked up from activities on time, etc. is he occasionally a little late? Sure. Is it a big deal? No.

There are things I have worked on as well to be a better partner.

[Anonymous]

That’s terrible advice and so is most of the advice on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

They are right.

I'm an extreme people pleaser, and I can't change or control that.
DH treats me decently well, but I feel like he doesn't respect me in a lot of ways.

[Anonymous]

Not sure about "mean", but I think you should be self-aware, have boundaries, and don't settle. I had a narcissistic father who was a better dad than husband. He gave me similar advice when I was dating and even in my marriage about having firm boundaries and generally expecting men to be self-interested and to take care of themselves accordingly.