Divorced men with second set of kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an excoworker who was with his 1st partner for 20 or so years There kids are now 25, 21 and 17 year old. The partner went on to have another child who is now 2 or so and the excoworker went on to marry a woman in her 20's from the Dominican Republic. He brought her to the states and they divorced a year later. Then he met another woman late 20's who he now has a 1 year old with. Oh hes 47 years old.

Jeez!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

I know a guy who is a proven bipolar alcoholic he cheated profoundly on his second exW. She was 11 years younger. Eventually she divorced him. He went on to marry a very known economist woman in her early 40s and they had a daughter when he was 60. From what I hear the third wife was eager to have a baby (had no luck dating and was focused on career); he locked himself in the basement playing guitar in retirement , while third wife is still working and pulling off all the parenting. I don’t know what’s in it for her besides luxurious house at $5m (but she could afford a $2m on her own easily); and nice vacations twice a year. I guess some women just want even higher lifestyle. They have nannies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

Yes, agree - we have those women, and we have some early thirties moms who are clearly trophy wives who hang out together - former "models" (not commercially successful, but had a gig or two and refer to themselves as a former model) or pilates instructors, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dad. I’m the eldest child. But I don’t have any helpful insights into why he is the way he is. Maybe some narcissism. Definitely wanted a “second chance.”

This was my dad too, but I’m from the 2nd set. Unlike a lot of men (of his generation at least) he was a super attentive dad in the younger years. Then he seems to lose interest or a sense of purpose once the kids become more independent and it’s onto the next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised to find so many of these on the League and Hinge ! Men in their late 40s -mid 50s, with very young kids 2-9 yo. I went on dates with some of them (I’m a late 40s F). Ex-wives were 5-10 years younger than me and now the men were looking for a “stable” older woman who can co-parent. 1. One guy sold an IT company and married early 30s woman, had a baby and divorced after 5 years. His 1st marriage was 18 years long so he had 2 adult kids and a 4 yo 2. A late 40s man who never married but had a 2 yo baby he took from a vest young beautician exGF 3. A twice divorced 51 yo man with 6 yo daughter from a very high profile executive exW. They had a joint child in their 40s and the exW had 2 grown kids from prior marriage. She divorced him for drugs 4. A law partner 3 times divorced with young twins from last marriage and teen kids from 2bd . Adult kids from 1st. He just couldn’t stop getting married and making babies, like Musk.


It looks to me as if there is a whole new wave of second- and third divorces for successful professionally men. All these marriages were significantly shorter than 1st, which proves the statistics of large age gap being the risk for divorce.

Seriously, aren’t men able to learn from their first failed marriage ? And what their grown up kids think about all this ? Is it just me meeting them or there is a fairly large number of divorced men with 2nd set of kids ?

They sound messy AF and so do you. Why are you dating junkies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

PP. This is so interesting, I really think it's the humble/quiet vibe that threw me off with xH. I was used to the stereotypical "narcissistic" men who make everyone cower in fear, and knew to avoid them. Then along came this sweet, caring, artistic man who seemed so emotionally intelligent. Even though he wasn't even in the same state as his kids, he talked to them nightly and did all the right things - listened, validated, empathized, etc. He really seemed like a great guy who made some mistakes and was trying to do better.

When I later caught him cheating, driving under the influence, stealing money, etc after we had our first child, he never gaslighted me or argued. He'd admit to wrongdoing, act shameful, get in therapy without me even asking. After I caught him cheating the third time in three years, he still didn't try to defend himself or argue. He just quietly packed his things and left, gave me whatever I wanted with assets and custody. It was just SO weird.

Best I can figure is these are extremely avoidant men. They don't fight, they just shut down and then leave. So I think his kids keep the peace because it's the only way they can get that emotional closeness - and his conversations do feel emotionally close, even when you do eventually realize the closeness is just because he can repeat back what you say empathetically, rather than him expressing any real feelings or emotions for you. Like I remember I would ask him what he liked about me, and he couldn't name one thing on his own - he would just repeat back the things he knew I was good at in a caring tone. It's bizarre.

And absolutely yes to people picking up the pieces - his family and even one of his ex-wives will pick up the pieces for him when he screws up. He's also surrounded himself with much older women who see themselves as a surrogate mother and help him out, even buying him cars. Because he always comes across as such a nice guy who is just "going through a hard time".

OP here - Jesus, that's one of them! He was bullshitting be at the date about "going through hard time" and so on.

PP. Yea, be careful! One of the ways xH got me is he NEVER blamed his ex wives or called them crazy. He acted like he was taking ownership without actually naming specifics, it was things like “we stopped being good for each other”. Later when I talked to his xW, she said no, he was a raging alcoholic and wouldn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to be screening for this BEFORE you go on the dates. I'm in a relationship now, but I dated divorced dad for a few years in my early to mid forties. If someone was divorced with kids, I found out ages of kids and how long the divorce had been final before agreeing to go out with him. Thus I would not have gone on a first date with any of these guys. And neither should you. Men with two ex wives and two sets of kids? Hell no.

-end thread- well stated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

This sounds like an ex of mine - we did not marry, but he’s now in his mid 40s and has had a few wives and a couple of sets of kids. Very rough around the edges and humble, but knew how to engage just enough to keep women hooked, and was really good at manipulating a narrative to make himself look as good as possible.

In reality, it’s probably a personality disorder, but in practice it’s really hard to disentangle yourself from someone who gives you just a taste of validation and always leaves you wanting more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

PP. This is so interesting, I really think it's the humble/quiet vibe that threw me off with xH. I was used to the stereotypical "narcissistic" men who make everyone cower in fear, and knew to avoid them. Then along came this sweet, caring, artistic man who seemed so emotionally intelligent. Even though he wasn't even in the same state as his kids, he talked to them nightly and did all the right things - listened, validated, empathized, etc. He really seemed like a great guy who made some mistakes and was trying to do better.

When I later caught him cheating, driving under the influence, stealing money, etc after we had our first child, he never gaslighted me or argued. He'd admit to wrongdoing, act shameful, get in therapy without me even asking. After I caught him cheating the third time in three years, he still didn't try to defend himself or argue. He just quietly packed his things and left, gave me whatever I wanted with assets and custody. It was just SO weird.

Best I can figure is these are extremely avoidant men. They don't fight, they just shut down and then leave. So I think his kids keep the peace because it's the only way they can get that emotional closeness - and his conversations do feel emotionally close, even when you do eventually realize the closeness is just because he can repeat back what you say empathetically, rather than him expressing any real feelings or emotions for you. Like I remember I would ask him what he liked about me, and he couldn't name one thing on his own - he would just repeat back the things he knew I was good at in a caring tone. It's bizarre.

And absolutely yes to people picking up the pieces - his family and even one of his ex-wives will pick up the pieces for him when he screws up. He's also surrounded himself with much older women who see themselves as a surrogate mother and help him out, even buying him cars. Because he always comes across as such a nice guy who is just "going through a hard time".

OP here - Jesus, that's one of them! He was bullshitting be at the date about "going through hard time" and so on.

PP. Yea, be careful! One of the ways xH got me is he NEVER blamed his ex wives or called them crazy. He acted like he was taking ownership without actually naming specifics, it was things like “we stopped being good for each other”. Later when I talked to his xW, she said no, he was a raging alcoholic and wouldn’t work.

Lol my ex tried to rewrite history to my face. “We just couldn’t make it work”. Um, yes DH, your serial infidelity was a challenge for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might just be you. I am the same age as you and haven't come across any men with young ex wives and young children.

That seems more like a trope or a sitcom than a reality. The number of men in their 50s who had second marriage to women 20 years younger, had a family and then divorced her is going to be quite low.

Given your life lesson at the end to "men". This seems more just like a post to promote misandry. Just like the ...all women, am I right posts by misogynistic men.

+1 I have never seen this either!

[Anonymous]

Its so weird to me how much infidelity is out there while also this movement towards Christianity. I dont see how people can make these two work together.

Men I think want to marry again because they want someone to take care of them and their kids. The serial cheaters have never tied sex to the marriage so it doesnt matter how many times they marry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I dated on eHarmony AGES ago, so this might not be relevant. At one point, I hated my matches. So I called the company to ask what could be done and they reset my profile. I got to answer all those questions again, and I chose different answers to get different matches. The one problem is that I got some matches I closed a second time. When that happened, I just closed them immediately and moved on. Perhaps you can try synergy similar on whatever app you’re using?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

PP. This is so interesting, I really think it's the humble/quiet vibe that threw me off with xH. I was used to the stereotypical "narcissistic" men who make everyone cower in fear, and knew to avoid them. Then along came this sweet, caring, artistic man who seemed so emotionally intelligent. Even though he wasn't even in the same state as his kids, he talked to them nightly and did all the right things - listened, validated, empathized, etc. He really seemed like a great guy who made some mistakes and was trying to do better.

When I later caught him cheating, driving under the influence, stealing money, etc after we had our first child, he never gaslighted me or argued. He'd admit to wrongdoing, act shameful, get in therapy without me even asking. After I caught him cheating the third time in three years, he still didn't try to defend himself or argue. He just quietly packed his things and left, gave me whatever I wanted with assets and custody. It was just SO weird.

Best I can figure is these are extremely avoidant men. They don't fight, they just shut down and then leave. So I think his kids keep the peace because it's the only way they can get that emotional closeness - and his conversations do feel emotionally close, even when you do eventually realize the closeness is just because he can repeat back what you say empathetically, rather than him expressing any real feelings or emotions for you. Like I remember I would ask him what he liked about me, and he couldn't name one thing on his own - he would just repeat back the things he knew I was good at in a caring tone. It's bizarre.

And absolutely yes to people picking up the pieces - his family and even one of his ex-wives will pick up the pieces for him when he screws up. He's also surrounded himself with much older women who see themselves as a surrogate mother and help him out, even buying him cars. Because he always comes across as such a nice guy who is just "going through a hard time".

OP here - Jesus, that's one of them! He was bullshitting be at the date about "going through hard time" and so on.

PP. Yea, be careful! One of the ways xH got me is he NEVER blamed his ex wives or called them crazy. He acted like he was taking ownership without actually naming specifics, it was things like “we stopped being good for each other”. Later when I talked to his xW, she said no, he was a raging alcoholic and wouldn’t work.

Lol my ex tried to rewrite history to my face. “We just couldn’t make it work”. Um, yes DH, your serial infidelity was a challenge for us.

Girl, same here. I caught him cheating for the 3rd time, and suddenly it was "we just don't work together". Well, duh, it's hard to work well with someone when they spend hours a day camped out in the bathroom DMing random women.