Divorced men with second set of kids

[Anonymous]

They should have gotten vasectomies and taken that possibility off the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think that people who have more kids with a second partner (who have not done a TON of work in therapy to deal with their own stuff and learn fully how to parent kids with different parents) just do not care about their children enough to prioritize them. They do not make good partners.

OP here - yes, I noticed why they wouldn’t make a good partner to me right there. Not taking responsibility for failures, short attention span, poor listeners, womanizers who likely are not monogamous but women don’t want poly relations so the men are forced to attach themselves to someone, too focused on material things and careers etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm so glad my ex had a vasectomy. He barely did any parenting on his first set of kids. No way should he conflict that on someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might just be you. I am the same age as you and haven't come across any men with young ex wives and young children.

That seems more like a trope or a sitcom than a reality. The number of men in their 50s who had second marriage to women 20 years younger, had a family and then divorced her is going to be quite low.

Given your life lesson at the end to "men". This seems more just like a post to promote misandry. Just like the ...all women, am I right posts by misogynistic men.

Man I encounter this a lot. I live in Denver and a memorable first date was with a trial lawyer here who was a bestie and hunting buddy of Scalia.

He lied about his age by ten years. (He was easy to dox after matching online so I saw his real age) When I asked him how old he really was he replied “mentally physically or spiritually? On his profile he listed having adult sons. First date I find out he also has a 2 year old with a different woman. He described that woman as a “gold digger” as if he bore no responsibility for who he stuck his aging peen in. I left the date (after paying the hefty bill because of COURSE republican old man liar picked an expensive steakhouse.) but I found it empowering to pay and get the heck away from him.

Why would you even go out with someone who lied about their age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

PP. This is so interesting, I really think it's the humble/quiet vibe that threw me off with xH. I was used to the stereotypical "narcissistic" men who make everyone cower in fear, and knew to avoid them. Then along came this sweet, caring, artistic man who seemed so emotionally intelligent. Even though he wasn't even in the same state as his kids, he talked to them nightly and did all the right things - listened, validated, empathized, etc. He really seemed like a great guy who made some mistakes and was trying to do better.

When I later caught him cheating, driving under the influence, stealing money, etc after we had our first child, he never gaslighted me or argued. He'd admit to wrongdoing, act shameful, get in therapy without me even asking. After I caught him cheating the third time in three years, he still didn't try to defend himself or argue. He just quietly packed his things and left, gave me whatever I wanted with assets and custody. It was just SO weird.

Best I can figure is these are extremely avoidant men. They don't fight, they just shut down and then leave. So I think his kids keep the peace because it's the only way they can get that emotional closeness - and his conversations do feel emotionally close, even when you do eventually realize the closeness is just because he can repeat back what you say empathetically, rather than him expressing any real feelings or emotions for you. Like I remember I would ask him what he liked about me, and he couldn't name one thing on his own - he would just repeat back the things he knew I was good at in a caring tone. It's bizarre.

And absolutely yes to people picking up the pieces - his family and even one of his ex-wives will pick up the pieces for him when he screws up. He's also surrounded himself with much older women who see themselves as a surrogate mother and help him out, even buying him cars. Because he always comes across as such a nice guy who is just "going through a hard time".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, I was the second (okay, actually THIRD) wife in this situation. XH likes to start a new family every 10 years.

No, they don’t learn. They act like they do. CH had done years of therapy and knew all the right things to say - took ownership for his failed marriages, acted like a great father, etc.

I don’t know if it’s narcissism, or what, because xH seems like such a nice, great guy. Not in a flashy way, he seems like such a chill and humble man. And he seems to be a good dad. But there’s this weird undercurrent of his kids trying desperately to get his approval, and I know because I felt this strange feeling I needed his approval, too (hence getting married to someone I shouldn’t have). So they all disliked me, but still loved him, and they love our child, which is good.

I don’t know what it is with guys like him. Because he’s absolutely not the stereotype of rich, loud, a-hole, etc. He comes across as a real salt-of-the-earth type. But when you ask for more than bare minimum stuff, he just shuts down and doesn’t respond. It’s bizarre.

This is my Dad, right down to the “humble, salt of the earth” vibe. They do it because they can, and because it’s easier than putting in the work. Honestly. I think that’s really all that it is. I used to think that my dad was this super complicated guy who had these great qualities and kind of a dark side at the same time. Now I realize that he just understands to bail when it gets hard and if you have enough resources, everyone around you will pick up the pieces. He has collected numerous wives and kids, and we all still seek his approval because he holds the cards as the patriarch. And no, it’s not about the money, we all just want to have a connection with our father. He knows this, and it imparts a certain kind of power. He understands not to abuse it, but it never has been and never will be a satisfying, reciprocal relationship.

PP. This is so interesting, I really think it's the humble/quiet vibe that threw me off with xH. I was used to the stereotypical "narcissistic" men who make everyone cower in fear, and knew to avoid them. Then along came this sweet, caring, artistic man who seemed so emotionally intelligent. Even though he wasn't even in the same state as his kids, he talked to them nightly and did all the right things - listened, validated, empathized, etc. He really seemed like a great guy who made some mistakes and was trying to do better.

When I later caught him cheating, driving under the influence, stealing money, etc after we had our first child, he never gaslighted me or argued. He'd admit to wrongdoing, act shameful, get in therapy without me even asking. After I caught him cheating the third time in three years, he still didn't try to defend himself or argue. He just quietly packed his things and left, gave me whatever I wanted with assets and custody. It was just SO weird.

Best I can figure is these are extremely avoidant men. They don't fight, they just shut down and then leave. So I think his kids keep the peace because it's the only way they can get that emotional closeness - and his conversations do feel emotionally close, even when you do eventually realize the closeness is just because he can repeat back what you say empathetically, rather than him expressing any real feelings or emotions for you. Like I remember I would ask him what he liked about me, and he couldn't name one thing on his own - he would just repeat back the things he knew I was good at in a caring tone. It's bizarre.

And absolutely yes to people picking up the pieces - his family and even one of his ex-wives will pick up the pieces for him when he screws up. He's also surrounded himself with much older women who see themselves as a surrogate mother and help him out, even buying him cars. Because he always comes across as such a nice guy who is just "going through a hard time".

OP here - Jesus, that's one of them! He was bullshitting be at the date about "going through hard time" and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I'm so glad my ex had a vasectomy. He barely did any parenting on his first set of kids. No way should he conflict that on someone else.

Mi was in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic. I had a hysterectomy after three kids. As he left in a drunken rage calling me a c&nt he screamed “at lease I can still have more children!!!!!” While walking out and financially abandoning the three he had.

Go ahead buddy. Be.my.guest.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Stay away from those men.

And to answer your question, some men can learn from the mistakes of their first marriage, but they are still married to their second wives. My BIL, for example, is everyone's favorite husband and father in my family - he has self-awareness around the failure of his first marriage, plus he is highly motivated to avoid another divorce, to the point that he's almost overaccommodating my SIL. He's the guy who takes on more than 50% of household and child-rearing tasks, never forgets an occasion, leaves a big job early to coach little league, etc.

[Anonymous]

So they've abandoned two families. Gross. I wouldn't bother.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to be screening for this BEFORE you go on the dates. I'm in a relationship now, but I dated divorced dad for a few years in my early to mid forties. If someone was divorced with kids, I found out ages of kids and how long the divorce had been final before agreeing to go out with him. Thus I would not have gone on a first date with any of these guys. And neither should you. Men with two ex wives and two sets of kids? Hell no.

[Anonymous]

My husband has an excoworker who was with his 1st partner for 20 or so years There kids are now 25, 21 and 17 year old. The partner went on to have another child who is now 2 or so and the excoworker went on to marry a woman in her 20's from the Dominican Republic. He brought her to the states and they divorced a year later. Then he met another woman late 20's who he now has a 1 year old with. Oh hes 47 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to be screening for this BEFORE you go on the dates. I'm in a relationship now, but I dated divorced dad for a few years in my early to mid forties. If someone was divorced with kids, I found out ages of kids and how long the divorce had been final before agreeing to go out with him. Thus I would not have gone on a first date with any of these guys. And neither should you. Men with two ex wives and two sets of kids? Hell no.

I wouldn't date any divorced men with kids still at home, regardless of whether it was just one divorce or multiple. Why would I want to go backwards after already moving through that life stage? No thanks. Empty-nest life is too good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an excoworker who was with his 1st partner for 20 or so years There kids are now 25, 21 and 17 year old. The partner went on to have another child who is now 2 or so and the excoworker went on to marry a woman in her 20's from the Dominican Republic. He brought her to the states and they divorced a year later. Then he met another woman late 20's who he now has a 1 year old with. Oh hes 47 years old.

I used to work with a guy who had his first family in his 20s, a second family in his late 40s, and had a 3yo at 65 with his 30yo third wife. It was really messy.

[Anonymous]

My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.