Divorced men with second set of kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dated on eHarmony AGES ago, so this might not be relevant. At one point, I hated my matches. So I called the company to ask what could be done and they reset my profile. I got to answer all those questions again, and I chose different answers to get different matches. The one problem is that I got some matches I closed a second time. When that happened, I just closed them immediately and moved on. Perhaps you can try synergy similar on whatever app you’re using?

It’s not like they come across as trashy undesirable matches from the start. When a 50s guy says he has a 6 yo , I felt it would be weird to ask “do you have older kids? Prior marriages?” . They usually don’t mention older kids lot of the house until after meeting in RL

What questions would you ask to screen these out ? I don’t want to screen out all men with minor kids but 2 divorces and 2 sets is too much for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

These late 30s women want to have a kid. Period. In my own experience, men like this have resources and don't see more kids as a big deal (since they aren't the main caretakers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

These late 30s women want to have a kid. Period. In my own experience, men like this have resources and don't see more kids as a big deal (since they aren't the main caretakers).

Why women settle for that? Money ? Can’t afford SMBC path ? Clearly they marry very rushed and don’t share a strong connection with husbands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised to find so many of these on the League and Hinge ! Men in their late 40s -mid 50s, with very young kids 2-9 yo. I went on dates with some of them (I’m a late 40s F). Ex-wives were 5-10 years younger than me and now the men were looking for a “stable” older woman who can co-parent. 1. One guy sold an IT company and married early 30s woman, had a baby and divorced after 5 years. His 1st marriage was 18 years long so he had 2 adult kids and a 4 yo 2. A late 40s man who never married but had a 2 yo baby he took from a vest young beautician exGF 3. A twice divorced 51 yo man with 6 yo daughter from a very high profile executive exW. They had a joint child in their 40s and the exW had 2 grown kids from prior marriage. She divorced him for drugs 4. A law partner 3 times divorced with young twins from last marriage and teen kids from 2bd . Adult kids from 1st. He just couldn’t stop getting married and making babies, like Musk.


It looks to me as if there is a whole new wave of second- and third divorces for successful professionally men. All these marriages were significantly shorter than 1st, which proves the statistics of large age gap being the risk for divorce.

Seriously, aren’t men able to learn from their first failed marriage ? And what their grown up kids think about all this ? Is it just me meeting them or there is a fairly large number of divorced men with 2nd set of kids ?

Wtf.

That’s all I’d say. And walk away fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my dad. I’m the eldest child. But I don’t have any helpful insights into why he is the way he is. Maybe some narcissism. Definitely wanted a “second chance.”

This was my dad too, but I’m from the 2nd set. Unlike a lot of men (of his generation at least) he was a super attentive dad in the younger years. Then he seems to lose interest or a sense of purpose once the kids become more independent and it’s onto the next.

How do you even know what kind of parent he really was if you were only age 0-7 at the time? Look at selfie photos or what tales of lore said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My exDH is setting himself up to be one of these guys. Like the others described, he is quiet and comes off as low-key and from the outside everyone considers him a good guy. In reality he was abusive behind closed doors and has a lot of scary secrets. Even during truly awful high conflict divorce that he initiated, he somehow got many of our mutual friends in thrall to him and his story. Fortunately the courts did not follow suit.

I’ll never know for sure, but I suspect that covert narcissism is at play, and it sounds like that could describe some of the men on this thread, especially when it comes to the idea of discarding families on a predictable timeline. Look up the discard phase of covert narcissism if you’re in this situation.

I live on the west coast in a very tech/big-money community and see these families a lot now that my kids have been at their private school for a long time. You start to see new generations of kids from the same dad start fresh in preschool. It’s interesting because there is a bit of social censure behind closed doors but these guys have sufficient social capital in the community that people act approving and welcoming of them in public.

And their wives have similarly aged friends with whom they hang out. The fact that some people are critical of them in private is lost on them because, among their friends, who are other very wealthy women their age, no one seems to care. This is a specific group of very wealthy men and their second wives, not the type of men the OP describes in her post.

PP you’re replying to and these aren’t even very wealthy guys, just run of the mill UMC/rich dads who are a dime a dozen at any private school. They don’t stand out. The crazy thing in our community is that a lot of the wives are on the older side and having their first kids with these second/third round dads when the wives are in their late 30s/early 40s, which upends any stereotype about them being young, naive, or from another culture. I think that the women may have focused on their career or relocated a lot for work or just had bad luck dating, and they have a different perspective on being wife 2 or 3 and might be willing to ignore some of the obvious upfront downsides.

These late 30s women want to have a kid. Period. In my own experience, men like this have resources and don't see more kids as a big deal (since they aren't the main caretakers).

Nothing’s a big deal to them, since they only focus on themselves. More kids? Not his problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Might just be you. I am the same age as you and haven't come across any men with young ex wives and young children.

That seems more like a trope or a sitcom than a reality. The number of men in their 50s who had second marriage to women 20 years younger, had a family and then divorced her is going to be quite low.

Given your life lesson at the end to "men". This seems more just like a post to promote misandry. Just like the ...all women, am I right posts by misogynistic men.

Man I encounter this a lot. I live in Denver and a memorable first date was with a trial lawyer here who was a bestie and hunting buddy of Scalia.

He lied about his age by ten years. (He was easy to dox after matching online so I saw his real age) When I asked him how old he really was he replied “mentally physically or spiritually? On his profile he listed having adult sons. First date I find out he also has a 2 year old with a different woman. He described that woman as a “gold digger” as if he bore no responsibility for who he stuck his aging peen in. I left the date (after paying the hefty bill because of COURSE republican old man liar picked an expensive steakhouse.) but I found it empowering to pay and get the heck away from him.

OP here. My described experience is in Cleveland, Ohio. Also many republican and conservative types among these men.
I wouldn’t have paid for their steak, why did you not just leave and paid for yourself ?

Ha! Of course it’s Cleveland. Lmaof

My BIL has 3 kids by different women and is broke as fk. Never went to college.