Should I really not share my opinion with DD?

[Anonymous]

One more thing....

Our son applied ED to a school I didn't think was a good fit for him. But he really wanted to go... but then he got deferred, so I thought that was "solved." Lo & behold, he was admitted in the regular pool several months later and decided to go. He absolutely loved it and consistently describes that time as the happiest 4 years of his life.

So I was wrong. And honestly this forum would probably have advised against it, too (it's consistently described as a "preppy" school. He's the opposite --a sweats and t-shirt very casual guy---he made amazing friends and none of them are preppy, lol. I wouldn't peg any of them for this particular school's stereotype, even though I'd agree that some students fit it.)

So glad we stayed out of that decision. I would've pictured him elsewhere, but he was thrilled with his choice.

[Anonymous]

Oh I share my opinion. We discuss everything!

[Anonymous]

We are very talkative in our family. During the process last year, we had an ongoing back and forth about the schools he applied to, and he was decisive about the school that he applied ED. But it really depends upon your child’s ability to make decisions independently of what you tell them. And have you commonly had these kind of adult conversations with your child on other subjects?

The person who said that you should ask if she wants your opinion has it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I'd say, do you want my opinion? And then if she does, give it. If that helps her clarify she wants the other one, that's fine.

I also remind my kids that when two options are equally compelling it's usually because there's no bad choice. Just pick.

I like this advice.

You could also say: I can see some pros and cons of both. Do you want to hear them? If not, let her take the lead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't ever say, "I think you should do this" or "I think you would be happier" etc. No "I think you.." opinions.

I did say, these are both great schools. My pros for Fancy U are the really tight community, I loved that dining hall, we know Peter is happy there, the career placement center was the best we saw, the residential system is my ideal, and there history faculty is top. My cons are the price wouldn't leave you with anything for grad school, travel back and forth will always be a pain, I dont know that it has as many alumni back in this area, if this is where you want to end up.

For Hudson U, the pros are Hogwarts buildings, which I love. The food is plenty good enough. Singles housing, which you liked. Tons of school spirit - very rah rah. Off campus housing junior and senior year at a reasonable price, great price with money left over for grad school. Cons are their history department is a little thinner, student-athlete divide is a concern, and all these reports of murders.

I mean, I think you know which one I like but I'm not SAYING which one I think she should ED to .

OP here-
Hahahha i totally agree on the murder comment!! I am concerned about the safety of one of them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi-

My DD is torn between two schools for an ED choice. Yes, she could put off this decision and just RD but much less likely to get in to them RD (bc ED boost is real for both schools).

The two schools are quite different and I can understand her pros and cons to
Each and why she is drawn to these two.

My husband and I have been supportive of this difficult decision and have not offered our opinion between the two bc we want her to own the decision and not feel like we tipped the scale (and god forbid are blamed should It not feel like the right fit!)

What are you all doing as far as sharing opinions or preferences or noting extra down-sides to one school...?? Please LMK what your experience has been or
Any advice here?

Thank you so much in advance!!!

yes, your job is to listen and ask questions so she thoroughly considers the pros/cons for each school. Outside of finances, do not "share your opinion" because you are absolutely right, if (or more likely when) something goes wrong during college or the admission process, they will be frustrated and blame you. You want them to own their decision.
But you can share financial information, and how much you are willing/able to pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

No, the wild part is that people are afraid to share their opinion or talk to their kids openly. I can't say anything at all or voice my opinion for fear that my kid will resent me???

You can share your "opinion" but you ultimately want the decision to be your kids. When they have issues in college (all kids have some), you don't want them to blame you for "making them pick this school". You want them to own the decision. So your job (IMO) is to guide them thru the thought process to analyze the situation. You can provide details and list why you consider pros/cons for each school and remind your kid what they want out of life (major, career goals, etc) but ultimately you want them to pick the school and whether they ED (since it means they have to attend if they get accepted and might not get to hear from other schools). Outside of money the choice is theirs.

So stating "I think you should ED to school X because of y, z, and N" is different than "here are the advantages of School X over School Y IMO, what do you think about that?"

[Anonymous]

We would 100% have veto power if there were a huge price difference.

[Anonymous]

If you feel like both choices are okay with you, I'd prompt a discussion of the pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We would 100% have veto power if there were a huge price difference.

And that should be presented well before your kid even begins seriously narrowing down their list of schools to apply to. Kid should know how much you are able to help with for college (and grad school). And should be helped to understand if their career path includes needing/wanting graduate/professional school. So if you only have $250K to help with and they want med school/law school/professional school, then explain how much those cost and that it would be best to spend as little as possible for undergrad and have the rest for the future education. Help them see what $300K in loans for medical school will really mean for their future when they start working at age 28+.

Same if you only have $100K to help them with. Then they find a school that costs under $25K/year after they contribute from their summer jobs (and plan to work during breaks/PT for 10 hours during school year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

No, the wild part is that people are afraid to share their opinion or talk to their kids openly. I can't say anything at all or voice my opinion for fear that my kid will resent me???

You can share your "opinion" but you ultimately want the decision to be your kids. When they have issues in college (all kids have some), you don't want them to blame you for "making them pick this school". You want them to own the decision. So your job (IMO) is to guide them thru the thought process to analyze the situation. You can provide details and list why you consider pros/cons for each school and remind your kid what they want out of life (major, career goals, etc) but ultimately you want them to pick the school and whether they ED (since it means they have to attend if they get accepted and might not get to hear from other schools). Outside of money the choice is theirs.

So stating "I think you should ED to school X because of y, z, and N" is different than "here are the advantages of School X over School Y IMO, what do you think about that?"

I agree with most of this. The title of the post is "Should I really not share my opinion with DD?" I wouldn't make the decision for them or try to force them one way or the other, but would certainly want an open enough dialogue that opinions could be shared. I guess some families are very different - we talk about everything.

[Anonymous]

It does not matter. When choosing between 2 schools that have already been narrowed down it is essentially arbitrary. And that’s OK. Either will be good. Do not forego the ED advantage: you need to pick one.

The dirty little secret is that when March comes around and you have a couple accepted schools from the RD round, and a choice has to be made, that’s ultimately arbitrary too.

Make the arbitrary choice now to improve your odds.

[Anonymous]

I shared my opinion on certain things. Like I shared my opinion regarding the financial aspects of the decision. I shared my opinion regarding housing. I shared my opinion on safety issues. I shared my opinion when we agreed on things. I shared my opinion regarding weather and other environmental factors. I shared my opinion on aspects of each school - like which had the best internship opportunities.

It’s not that I wouldn’t share my opinion on the ultimate school choice but I didn’t think I’d add value by doing so.

[Anonymous]

Some PP have good advice - chart pro/con, see what the classes would actually be over the 4 yrs, see what clubs they would join, map out travel to get back home, etc.

If you have a preference, I think it's ok to say the things that make this your preference w/o necessarily saying it is your preference. Like if you have some concrete data that they are overlooking, you should share. If it's just about prestige or bragging rights, I would not share.

You can always ask if they want your opinion. But I agree, they have to own the choice.

[Anonymous]

Hudson U does have a lot of murders!