Should I really not share my opinion with DD?

[Anonymous]

Share the data that informs your opinion.

The reality is that you can't predict how much you or anyone else will value a college. Best you can do is identify deal breakers and develop an attitude of adaptability to make the best of your situation. This applies to many other aspects of life, like choosing a job or a house or a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this point I'd say, do you want my opinion? And then if she does, give it. If that helps her clarify she wants the other one, that's fine.

I also remind my kids that when two options are equally compelling it's usually because there's no bad choice. Just pick.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

No, the wild part is that people are afraid to share their opinion or talk to their kids openly. I can't say anything at all or voice my opinion for fear that my kid will resent me???

[Anonymous]

Apply RD if she cannot make a choice.

[Anonymous]

Yes, contrary to DCUM's belief, one could fall in love with two very different schools, like JHU and Vandy.

Since she loves both, you could help her analyze in which school she is more likely to thrive. Decision is still hers, you don't share your opinion, but your analysis. If that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

No, the wild part is that people are afraid to share their opinion or talk to their kids openly. I can't say anything at all or voice my opinion for fear that my kid will resent me???

DP. It’s not fear, it’s consciously transferring the onus of decision making because I think that leads to better development as a confident and resilient adult.

But many factors might affect whether your comfortable doing this—kid’s temperament, financial situation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

We did something similar, and also engaged in discussion and sharing of opinions. We always grounded our opinions in as objective a way as possible (you've said you value X, it seems to me that's more relevant to school A than B).

DC wanted the more expensive school, which was still within budget. So we also assured them that it was ok to pick the pricier school (for objective reasons).

[Anonymous]

My child was down to two fairly similar schools (ranking, size, cost etc) so I did not share my opinion as I wanted the choice to be theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi-

My husband and I have been supportive of this difficult decision and have not offered our opinion between the two bc we want her to own the decision and not feel like we tipped the scale (and god forbid are blamed should It not feel like the right fit!)

I really respect you and support you for doing this! She's the one that has the live with the decision, and there are obviously no guarantees, so she should be the one deciding one the school she's willing to commit to (with the caveat that you are able and willing to pay for it--- if not, my advice would be VERY different.) Imagine if you pressured her for one over the other, then she gets in and doesn't really want to go there...suddenly you become "responsible" for that decision. Don't do it! To this day I'm incredibly grateful that my parents didn't weigh in...at the time I wanted them to solve the decision for me, but they wisely were supportive and let me make it.

[Anonymous]

My daughter was torn between two schools when it came to ED. Both schools were comparable in ratings, cost and the programs she was looking at were well respected. Both schools were in an urban environment and about the same size. We shared our thoughts but we did make it clear that is ultimately her call. She did some additional due diligence and she picked the school she thought better aligned with her goals.

While I preferred the other school, it has worked out for her. She got in ED and is thriving in her freshman year.

[Anonymous]

Mine was torn between two ED choices. I told her to spend two days on it, then make a decision and pull the trigger. She spent one full day pretending she had committed to one of the schools - talking about it, looking at dorms, following social media, etc. Then she wrote down how she felt about it all. The next day she did the exact same thing with the other school. It did not even take the whole day - she could immediately tell by the excitement she felt about the first school vs the second.

So many kids are unhappy freshman year of college and have regrets - I did not want her regret be that I swayed her. Thankfully, she chose well because she LOVES her school and did from the first day there.

[Anonymous]

I didn't ever say, "I think you should do this" or "I think you would be happier" etc. No "I think you.." opinions.

I did say, these are both great schools. My pros for Fancy U are the really tight community, I loved that dining hall, we know Peter is happy there, the career placement center was the best we saw, the residential system is my ideal, and there history faculty is top. My cons are the price wouldn't leave you with anything for grad school, travel back and forth will always be a pain, I dont know that it has as many alumni back in this area, if this is where you want to end up.

For Hudson U, the pros are Hogwarts buildings, which I love. The food is plenty good enough. Singles housing, which you liked. Tons of school spirit - very rah rah. Off campus housing junior and senior year at a reasonable price, great price with money left over for grad school. Cons are their history department is a little thinner, student-athlete divide is a concern, and all these reports of murders.

I mean, I think you know which one I like but I'm not SAYING which one I think she should ED to .

[Anonymous]

My DD was also torn btw 2 schools. We suggested she put together a 4 yr plan of classes at each school and that made it clear that one had a much more interesting program for her than the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

We did something similar. DC had a list of all options and gave ratings for each category that they felt was part of the decision making process. Each one was given a weighting, as well. For example, strength of major had a factor of 2, but housing had a ranking of 1. It helped DC determine what was and wasn't as important when deciding between their top schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

We did something similar. DC had a list of all options and gave ratings for each category that they felt was part of the decision making process. Each one was given a weighting, as well. For example, strength of major had a factor of 2, but housing had a factor of 1. It helped DC determine what was and wasn't as important when deciding between their top schools.

edited for clarity