Should I really not share my opinion with DD?

[Anonymous]

Hi-

My DD is torn between two schools for an ED choice. Yes, she could put off this decision and just RD but much less likely to get in to them RD (bc ED boost is real for both schools).

The two schools are quite different and I can understand her pros and cons to
Each and why she is drawn to these two.

My husband and I have been supportive of this difficult decision and have not offered our opinion between the two bc we want her to own the decision and not feel like we tipped the scale (and god forbid are blamed should It not feel like the right fit!)

What are you all doing as far as sharing opinions or preferences or noting extra down-sides to one school...?? Please LMK what your experience has been or
Any advice here?

Thank you so much in advance!!!

[Anonymous]

I shared my opinion.

[Anonymous]

I've shared my opinion, but my kids don't tend to follow anyone's lead but their own. How likely is your kid to be swayed by your opinion and not end up at a school that is a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Only thing I did with a kid in a similar situation is try to reiterate what the kid indicated they were excited about / interested in for college...call it 3 or 6 months ago when perhaps there were no top contenders.

Perhaps that allows your kid to think about the options a bit more analytically and maybe one emerges as the winner.

Of course, it doesn't help if the two schools are super similar in many respects...Vandy and Duke or Amherst and Williams.

[Anonymous]

We generally roll with a “veto” power. All the schools both DC picked were acceptable. DC1 never asked our opinion so it wasn’t offered. DC2 has involved us much more and so we’ve given our honest opinions and analysis. Funny, though, DC1 was generally the child who hated “options” and having to choose whereas DC2 usually was quick to make up their mind.

Unless you truly object, OP, I’d stay quiet until asked.

[Anonymous]

At this point I'd say, do you want my opinion? And then if she does, give it. If that helps her clarify she wants the other one, that's fine.

I also remind my kids that when two options are equally compelling it's usually because there's no bad choice. Just pick.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t share unless asked. No college experience will be 100% perfect all of the time, so I want to make sure my kid feels like it was their decision. I think it will make them feel more invested in making the best of it when things inevitably go off track.

[Anonymous]

Your opinion is based on your experience and knowledge of yourself. I think you can share that. But I'd be careful with any "you should" commentary.

[Anonymous]

Ask if she wants your opinion or wants your help in sorting through the pros and cons to help her make her own decision. Or say, just once and then drop it unless she follows up, “I lean toward school A, but I won’t bring it up again unless you’d like to hear my thoughts.”

[Anonymous]

Since I was paying, my opinion was definitely shared.

[Anonymous]

We made a chart with the schools and what DC wanted in a college. They then gave each school a ranking from 1-5 in each category. It didn't really matter what the final score was, it was more to get DC thinking about what they thought was important and making the decision on their own. Of course DH and I were there to guide and answer questions, but it was their decision in the end

[Anonymous]

This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

[Anonymous]

We didn’t, felt like this was a very important life lesson, his first adult decision with major consequences and he needed to own the process and the decisions. Main issue in our situation was whether to ED or not, he clearly didn’t like the concept or feel that he had a true first choice but was getting pressure from HS counselor to do it as a strategy to guarantee a top 20 acceptance. At points he begged us to tell him what to do- we didn’t.
We helped him work through pros and cons and imagine himself dealing with the various outcomes. It was actually the best part of the experience, he ended up with more ownership/engagement of all aspects and more confidence in himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is wild to me. We 100% had very open discussions with our kids about school choices and pros and cons. Part of growing up is hearing opinions that may be different than yours, processing the information, and then still making your own decision.

"This is wild to me" - growing up is realizing people may do things differently than the way you do things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since I was paying, my opinion was definitely shared.

100+ this. You're still in charge, OP. And most likely she wants your input even if you are afraid to give it.