Do you feel attractive still but your spouse has no interest in you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when men stop wanting to have sex with their wives are mentally unwell. Don’t blame yourself

Yes in my situation DH is medically mentally unwell, medicated, and we haven't had any action in a decade.

Soooo how’s that working for the two of you ?

Let me guess.. Intimacy isn’t everything nor important in a marriage ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so demoralizing.

How do you know you are attractive? Vs feeling attractive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its ok. I get hit on all the time but it's cobwebs with DH. Don't seek validation from your spouse. Flirt for a quick dopamine hit bit mostly work on yourself. I think maybe that's why i look so good? Just a lot of time for self care

Your post explains why he isn’t into you, men lose all respect for their spouse when they flirt with other men.

Not all men?

And why would you begrudge your wife from the positive attention that you can’t give? I’m sorry you feel emasculated and insecure, but that’s on you not your wife.

[Anonymous]

I was in this boat some years ago. Dh seemed to be attracted to anyone but me. Personality wise he still talked endlessly and loved spending time with me over anyone else but just didn't seem attracted, never complimented or looked at me. We had young kids and it was survival mode combined with other stressful issues. I got to such a low point because I cared about it a lot, not even sure why now. I had to get past caring about it and just focus on leaving my need for his attraction out of my top concerns. Somehow that turned the situation around and he has been very complimentary and obviously attracted for a while now but it doesn't seem as important anymore. Something I wanted doesn't feel as amazing once I stopped caring about it. I'm glad to have it but I wish it was there when I could have used it. Now I'm just sad I once cared so much and expended energy and stress over it. You have to love yourself first and if you put a lot of care into someone who is not reciprocating, turn that care back on yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your personality made you unattractive to him.

100% that happens.

[Anonymous]

You may feel and think you are attractive, but if you are seeking validation from your spouse then you are likely not attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when men stop wanting to have sex with their wives are mentally unwell. Don’t blame yourself

Yes in my situation DH is medically mentally unwell, medicated, and we haven't had any action in a decade.

Soooo how’s that working for the two of you ?

Let me guess.. Intimacy isn’t everything nor important in a marriage ?

We have an intentionally low-conflict parenting marriage. It helps me if I frame it as a medical issue (less rage and frustration). We've opened the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your personality made you unattractive to him.

100% that happens.

Some of the posters on page 1 were right - people here are completely overestimating the effect of physical attractiveness in a long term relationship. There are lots of parts to finding a long term partner attractive and really wanting them, but face and physique move down the list as energy and attitude move up. For both partners it’s really about how the other person makes them feel, not whether they stare at pretty/handsome face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your personality made you unattractive to him.

100% that happens.

Some of the posters on page 1 were right - people here are completely overestimating the effect of physical attractiveness in a long term relationship. There are lots of parts to finding a long term partner attractive and really wanting them, but face and physique move down the list as energy and attitude move up. For both partners it’s really about how the other person makes them feel, not whether they stare at pretty/handsome face.

Yes, HOWEVER, it’s hard to feel desirable — even if you’ve kept up your fitness and appearance — when you imagine yourself banging an obese slob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your personality made you unattractive to him.

100% that happens.

Some of the posters on page 1 were right - people here are completely overestimating the effect of physical attractiveness in a long term relationship. There are lots of parts to finding a long term partner attractive and really wanting them, but face and physique move down the list as energy and attitude move up. For both partners it’s really about how the other person makes them feel, not whether they stare at pretty/handsome face.

Yes, HOWEVER, it’s hard to feel desirable — even if you’ve kept up your fitness and appearance — when you imagine yourself banging an obese slob.

Surely you can see the wide chasm between attractive/normal aging and someone turning into an obese slob?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may feel and think you are attractive, but if you are seeking validation from your spouse then you are likely not attractive.

I got plenty of validation out in the world, but dealing with the lack of desire from my own partner was depressing.

[Anonymous]

Spouse is just as attractive as they were years ago when we were dating but the total lack of accountability,, defensiveness, lying and intentional cruelty have driven every ounce of desire for them away.
Can you take an honest look at your behavior and your interactions and see where the attraction might have gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may feel and think you are attractive, but if you are seeking validation from your spouse then you are likely not attractive.

I got plenty of validation out in the world, but dealing with the lack of desire from my own partner was depressing.

You're still not getting it the outside world is mostly your outward physical attributes. When you live with someone you see all of them and how hot they are moves down on the list like if they are unkind, self involved constantly seeking external validation. Women mistakenly believe men only care about looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its ok. I get hit on all the time but it's cobwebs with DH. Don't seek validation from your spouse. Flirt for a quick dopamine hit bit mostly work on yourself. I think maybe that's why i look so good? Just a lot of time for self care

Your post explains why he isn’t into you, men lose all respect for their spouse when they flirt with other men.

Not all men?

And why would you begrudge your wife from the positive attention that you can’t give? I’m sorry you feel emasculated and insecure, but that’s on you not your wife.

The one seeking attention from others is the one that is insecure, when a spouse is chasing that feeling they tend to be dismissive of their spouse, which isn’t attractive to anyone. Being hit on feels good, but needing or inviting the validation changes who you are as a person. Every relationship is different, but on this forum it seems that intolerance, comparisons, insecurity, unrealistic expectations, boredom and selfish behaviors are the common themes for the destruction of marriages and families.

It is true that some men like their wives engaging with other men, but that’s not how I read the situation in the post. I know a few divorced women that got addicted to the validation of flirting and ended up cheating. They all have similar stories of a slippery slope of chasing the attention and it took over their lives. They seemed to genuinely regret their divorces and all said they felt insecure during that time.

Most people want a spouse they are proud of in public, but dirty at home. Validation chasing seemed to change a person. They have to appear available and act accordingly, so they behave different and eventually they become available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its ok. I get hit on all the time but it's cobwebs with DH. Don't seek validation from your spouse. Flirt for a quick dopamine hit bit mostly work on yourself. I think maybe that's why i look so good? Just a lot of time for self care

Your post explains why he isn’t into you, men lose all respect for their spouse when they flirt with other men.

I don't flirt with people in front of DH. He has no idea, but even if he did he wouldn't care as we have a one-way open marriage.