Did dating after divorce bring your confidence back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

PP here. Completely valid to remove divorced men from your menu for the reasons you state (or any reason at all), and I am sure that some of the generalizations you make are well-founded. But FWIW your post reads a whole lot into my post that just isn't there (in the post or IRL).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I am incredibly envious of so many of you. I think most of you must be a lot younger and objectively significantly better looking than I am.

I do know a few middle aged women who lost some confidence after divorce. They didn't get a lot of attention on the apps or, if they did, they didn't like the men who gave them attention or, if they did, they didn't like the desirable men's failure to commit. Those women sometimes start to feel like something is wrong with them, since they can't find a good man to commit to something serious, or they just feel anxious and fearful all the time. Divorce isn't great for them, even if they end up feeling more physically attractive.

Some women can end up replacing a sexless marriage problem with a whole new set of problems that come with modern dating. Also, if you were fairly popular with boys/men in your teens and twenties, you probably will notice that you don't stand out in a crowd the same way when you're in your fifties. (I actually think women in their forties still get plenty of attention from older and younger men.)

Something similar can happen to men, but I think men who have decent jobs and are height and weight proportional usually end up feeling better about themselves after divorce.

I'm the PP and would agree with all of this. I am in my 40s and while I'm not a hideous beast, I'm not remarkable in any way – and never was. I strongly suspect that OLD would destroy the little bit of self esteem I have left after getting dumped hard, so I made a conscious decision that I am just done with all of it. I tell myself that feels better than thinking I'll meet someone. I didn't want the divorce, so I never expected it to have an upside. But I can't relate at all to the folks whose confidence is through the roof.

Even my dumb ex husband was partnered up immediately – and who the hell wants to jump into a relationship with a guy who walked out on his family? Apparently plenty of women in a wide range of ages. Blows my mind.

+1

Heal and do better stuff than rebound sx and rebound shacking up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

PP here. Completely valid to remove divorced men from your menu for the reasons you state (or any reason at all), and I am sure that some of the generalizations you make are well-founded. But FWIW your post reads a whole lot into my post that just isn't there (in the post or IRL).

No reading into your or my post necessary.
Take them both at face value.

Your claim: “‘an ok-looking, financially comfortable (30 yrs married) divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.’”

My claim: talk is cheap, demonstrate your qualities over time, not by claiming to be them.

Btdt.

[Anonymous]

Again, you are of course completely entitled to your own standards, rules, heuristics, etc. I am simply pointing out that your post contains, by my count, six major assumptions that do not actually apply in my particular case. You might consider whether that type of error scales up for you (or not - whatever). Either way, best of luck out there - sounds like it has been hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No reading into your or my post necessary.
Take them both at face value.

Your claim: “‘an ok-looking, financially comfortable (30 yrs married) divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.’”

My claim: talk is cheap, demonstrate your qualities over time, not by claiming to be them.

Btdt.

I'm with you. People who have to claim how great they are, are oftentimes not. I can imagine my DH. He's the best, the kindest, the most helpful... towards complete strangers or when he wears a mask for an hour max. He's the first to open the door and say please and thank you. In reality he has a short temper and cannot manage his basic father and husband duties: we're called names (including b*), demeaned, put down. When something needs solving, he makes sure he makes it as unpleasant as possible, preferably dragging it out and if possible, impossible to achieve (either by blocking money or other resources). I can absolutely imagine once we're divorcing, he'd consider himself prime rib. Let's face it, I'd not have married him if I'd known the person he REALLY is. But as said, you can only figure it out in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

PP here. Completely valid to remove divorced men from your menu for the reasons you state (or any reason at all), and I am sure that some of the generalizations you make are well-founded. But FWIW your post reads a whole lot into my post that just isn't there (in the post or IRL).

How do you know what he or she won’t date?

They just said they won’t date people unless their actions prove them worthy.

All you previously said was how wonderful you think you are (opinion) and how you get lots of dates (claim).

And you got divorced after 30 years of marriage (fact).

Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

PP here. Completely valid to remove divorced men from your menu for the reasons you state (or any reason at all), and I am sure that some of the generalizations you make are well-founded. But FWIW your post reads a whole lot into my post that just isn't there (in the post or IRL).

How do you know what he or she won’t date?

They just said they won’t date people unless their actions prove them worthy.

All you previously said was how wonderful you think you are (opinion) and how you get lots of dates (claim).

And you got divorced after 30 years of marriage (fact).

Ok.

How do I know what he or she won't date? She begins her post as follows: "See the above I still can't date." In fact, she goes on to say "I just don't care to talk to someone . . .". This is of course perfectly fine (as I have said two or three times), but my reply addressed the assumptions in the remainder of her post, almost none of which apply to my particular case. It is entirely possible that avoiding divorced men, self-professed nice guys, etc., works well for lots of people (including this person). Just above, I acknowledge that some of her generalizations are probably well founded. But at the end of the day, this person took my initial post and added a tremendous amount of their own stuff/experience to it. It was sufficiently over the top that I felt compelled to distance myself from it, even though we are anonymous here.

Look, I intended my initial post as a self-deprecating response to a thought-provoking subject. I related my own very real experience, in which my own dating life was much more positive and successful than I had feared it would be, given some of my flaws and mediocrities. I described being surprised at the outsized power of basic decency and basic emotional fitness in this dating market -- not to self-aggrandize, but to make an essentially sad point about how low the bar is (particularly for men in DC).

I can see how my post may have landed differently, particularly for someone who has been hurt by a divorced man or who does not want to hear about exDHs who enjoy dating, etc. But by "eye-opening" I just meant surprising, and by "do incredibly well in this town" I just meant that my options were much broader than I thought possible, and I found an amazing, loving, person who would probably not have given me the time of day when we were in our 20s.

You don't have to believe or agree with any of that, but it's the full, candid truth. Some middle-aged divorced men who claim to be well-adjusted and healed are kidding themselves and you. Some of them are, in fact, well-adjusted and healed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a bad marriage brought it down.

Changed my filter process big time, but am not focused on dating or attracting the other sex.

My confidence level and busyness is the same as always: good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

PP here. Completely valid to remove divorced men from your menu for the reasons you state (or any reason at all), and I am sure that some of the generalizations you make are well-founded. But FWIW your post reads a whole lot into my post that just isn't there (in the post or IRL).

How do you know what he or she won’t date?

They just said they won’t date people unless their actions prove them worthy.

All you previously said was how wonderful you think you are (opinion) and how you get lots of dates (claim).

And you got divorced after 30 years of marriage (fact).

Ok.

How do I know what he or she won't date? She begins her post as follows: "See the above I still can't date." In fact, she goes on to say "I just don't care to talk to someone . . .". This is of course perfectly fine (as I have said two or three times), but my reply addressed the assumptions in the remainder of her post, almost none of which apply to my particular case. It is entirely possible that avoiding divorced men, self-professed nice guys, etc., works well for lots of people (including this person). Just above, I acknowledge that some of her generalizations are probably well founded. But at the end of the day, this person took my initial post and added a tremendous amount of their own stuff/experience to it. It was sufficiently over the top that I felt compelled to distance myself from it, even though we are anonymous here.

Look, I intended my initial post as a self-deprecating response to a thought-provoking subject. I related my own very real experience, in which my own dating life was much more positive and successful than I had feared it would be, given some of my flaws and mediocrities. I described being surprised at the outsized power of basic decency and basic emotional fitness in this dating market -- not to self-aggrandize, but to make an essentially sad point about how low the bar is (particularly for men in DC).

I can see how my post may have landed differently, particularly for someone who has been hurt by a divorced man or who does not want to hear about exDHs who enjoy dating, etc. But by "eye-opening" I just meant surprising, and by "do incredibly well in this town" I just meant that my options were much broader than I thought possible, and I found an amazing, loving, person who would probably not have given me the time of day when we were in our 20s.

You don't have to believe or agree with any of that, but it's the full, candid truth. Some middle-aged divorced men who claim to be well-adjusted and healed are kidding themselves and you. Some of them are, in fact, well-adjusted and healed.

I'm another middle aged man and could have written most of this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the divorced men are pleasantly surprised at the quality of their dating options, and many women are unimpressed with the men on offer post divorce and would rather be single.

Not sure why there is a such a discrepancy there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

DP I agree with what you say about marriage as a test of character.

However it only takes one person to end a marriage. In my case my XH had a major mental breakdown, became emotionally abusive, and left the marriage. I did not want to get divorced. I felt like it was not right for our kids and not true to the commitment I made.

That said, my life is a lot better out of the marriage than I could have imagined. I am a mid-40s woman. I dated a lot of very nice guys and found one I clicked with. We have been seeing each other for six months so it’s relatively new. He is significantly younger than me (late 30s). Very emotionally intelligent and gentle. Too early to tell if this is it, but I’m really enjoying him. I still hope to find a life partner regardless. Life is long, everyone’s story is different.