Did dating after divorce bring your confidence back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what men think, so it did not really have an impact.

It did teach me that I am far more attractive then I really knew when I was younger, which is a shame.

I never focused on appearance and did not realize how attractive I am. But because I was never focused on this, my confidence level remains unchanged.

What is a shame about it? You had/have the right attitude. Relying on your appearance for confidence/self esteem is a losing proposition.

I could have landed a better man to begin with instead of marrying the wrong one. I had low self esteem. For no reason. I am objectively very attractive but I did not realize it until huge mistakes had been made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely yes. My ex was not attracted to me. Plenty of other people are.

That's a common mistake many people think.

"Honeymoon period" or getting "strange". It wears off.

What is the common mistake?

[Anonymous]

I never lost my confidence during the divorce as it was far more about frustration and disappointment. Soon after the divorce I was surprised by the number of women who reached out to me or by the number who wanted me to meet a friend. I never had to do OLD which was a relief. I certainly was a bit nervous the first time I had sex with someone other than my exW but I did just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely yes. My ex was not attracted to me. Plenty of other people are.

+1

Pretty much sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Divorced after 25 years of marriage. In the DMV, I had all the dates that I wanted, with a broad range of professional women ranging from my age to 10 years younger than me. Five years after my divorce, I remarried.

How's the second marriage going?

Very happy.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I am incredibly envious of so many of you. I think most of you must be a lot younger and objectively significantly better looking than I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I am incredibly envious of so many of you. I think most of you must be a lot younger and objectively significantly better looking than I am.

I do know a few middle aged women who lost some confidence after divorce. They didn't get a lot of attention on the apps or, if they did, they didn't like the men who gave them attention or, if they did, they didn't like the desirable men's failure to commit. Those women sometimes start to feel like something is wrong with them, since they can't find a good man to commit to something serious, or they just feel anxious and fearful all the time. Divorce isn't great for them, even if they end up feeling more physically attractive.

Some women can end up replacing a sexless marriage problem with a whole new set of problems that come with modern dating. Also, if you were fairly popular with boys/men in your teens and twenties, you probably will notice that you don't stand out in a crowd the same way when you're in your fifties. (I actually think women in their forties still get plenty of attention from older and younger men.)

Something similar can happen to men, but I think men who have decent jobs and are height and weight proportional usually end up feeling better about themselves after divorce.

[Anonymous]

NP: realistically, are there no prospects for an almost 50 year old attractive female? I see men in this age range who are unfit and not pleasant to look at..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My confidence was never a derivative of male attention

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a bad marriage brought it down.

I was confident I was in a bad marriage with a bad actor and trickster.

Therefore, sexual attraction aside, I am very leery of dating people who say one thing and do the opposite. Or mask and show best behaviors. I worry it’s all a show and they can’t sustain their act and performances.

Basically my automatic trust or benefit of the doubt level of dates is lower than in my 20s.

On the other hand, I’m not dating to form a family, have more children, or share assets so I’m looking for less things than in my 20s.

But the ability to trust, rely on someone, and have them be consistent in character will always be needed to be my friend or significant other. That gets revealed over time or when teamwork is needed. I also vet for serious mental disorders too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was eye-opening for me because it gave pretty solid, immediate feedback w/r/t how the market valued and perceived me. Divorced after a ~30-year relationship wherein DW valued me so little at the end that I don't think she imagined anyone else could.

As soon as I started reaching out for connection, I found that an ok-looking, financially comfortable divorced dad who says please and thank you, listens to women when they talk, and is not trying to trick or hurt anyone can do incredibly well in this town.

See the above I still can’t date.

The ultimate test of a mate is what they do during tough times. Tough times like raising, parenting, coaching, emotionally supporting kids 18+ years, health scares, running a household together with another person, managing extended families and traditions, and so on.

I just don’t care to talk with someone who tried that, likely failed at it and got divorced.

Then they show up after Hitting the Reset button like they are so great.

Great at what? Living a simple life without dependents or things to problem solve.
Well that part of life ebbs and flows. Adult children need you, life beyond yourself needs you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe with time I’ll sunk cost that attitude but right now, no thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After a bad marriage brought it down.

I can’t imagine dating to be honest. I need to recover—indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a bad marriage brought it down.

I can’t imagine dating to be honest. I need to recover—indefinitely.

+1. I think half the people out there are full of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sigh. I am incredibly envious of so many of you. I think most of you must be a lot younger and objectively significantly better looking than I am.

I do know a few middle aged women who lost some confidence after divorce. They didn't get a lot of attention on the apps or, if they did, they didn't like the men who gave them attention or, if they did, they didn't like the desirable men's failure to commit. Those women sometimes start to feel like something is wrong with them, since they can't find a good man to commit to something serious, or they just feel anxious and fearful all the time. Divorce isn't great for them, even if they end up feeling more physically attractive.

Some women can end up replacing a sexless marriage problem with a whole new set of problems that come with modern dating. Also, if you were fairly popular with boys/men in your teens and twenties, you probably will notice that you don't stand out in a crowd the same way when you're in your fifties. (I actually think women in their forties still get plenty of attention from older and younger men.)

Something similar can happen to men, but I think men who have decent jobs and are height and weight proportional usually end up feeling better about themselves after divorce.

I'm the PP and would agree with all of this. I am in my 40s and while I'm not a hideous beast, I'm not remarkable in any way – and never was. I strongly suspect that OLD would destroy the little bit of self esteem I have left after getting dumped hard, so I made a conscious decision that I am just done with all of it. I tell myself that feels better than thinking I'll meet someone. I didn't want the divorce, so I never expected it to have an upside. But I can't relate at all to the folks whose confidence is through the roof. Even my dumb ex husband was partnered up immediately – and who the hell wants to jump into a relationship with a guy who walked out on his family? Apparently plenty of women in a wide range of ages. Blows my mind.