Feeling frustrated about wife’s lack of interest in building a social circle

[Anonymous]

I’m sure she is sad about her old friends moving away- particularly her best friend.

With acquaintances (which is really most of what you are referring to here) relationships are so shallow by comparison.

I’d stop pressuring your wife about neighbors and encourage her to take time to herself, hobbies etc (and let her know you are ok and willing to help her make time for that- taking the kids or paying a sitter etc). She sounds not necessarily depressed but a bit down, understandably. Maybe once she gets a little back in her groove she will be more willing to join in with the social scene.

Also there is no reason at all that you can’t socialize without her. Arrange outings based on your own hobbies & with guy friends. Not everything needs to be “family friends”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This OP is clearly a verbose woman posting about her couch potato husband.

Unlikely, men usually don't arrange playdates.

True, but using can't see a man being so involved in whether his wife has deep friendships.

[Anonymous]

No you are not off-base.
It is a good sign that you are invested in your wife’s happiness in this way as some husbands wouldn’t give this a second thought.

However that being said, your wife is an adult & if she doesn’t want to socialize then there may not be anything that you can do to change it.
You can continue encouraging her but that is the extent.

You can gently remind her that if she wants to have more friends then she will have to at times, initiate meetings as well as reciprocate them too.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My two takes

1. I do not like socializing through kids. I have several close friends who happen to be moms, but almost none that I met through school or play dates.

2. When you have a 1-year-old you are constantly having to supervise them. It is exhausting and you can't hold a conversation. So a playground playdate with that age of a child is not fun or socially stimulating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This OP is clearly a verbose woman posting about her couch potato husband.

Ha I thought this too!

OP I get the frustration. When you have kids, there is a level of "suck it up" rather than just catering to your own preferences all the time. And yes they benefit from playdates, families becoming friends with same age kids, engaging in the school and neighborhood community, etc. For people saying it's "friendships of convenience" or whatever, so what? It's serving a purpose for that time.

I also think it's great when Dads initiate stuff though obviously it is less common. For us, DH is not really any initiator with new people. He takes awhile to warm up. But once things are chugging along, and for people he likes, he's open to socializing and even starts to plan stuff and actively enjoys it.

Do you think your DW would be feel differently "over the hump" of the initial stuff, if you can help her visualize that?

To echo another PP I'm not loving that she calls other moms "weird." Most of us are just trying to get thru the day in this busy phase and don't need judgment.

[Anonymous]

Are the kids social or not? What age are they? Can they make their plans yet? Do they?

[Anonymous]

Is she working FT? I’m exhausted from working and doing all of the organizing/planning for our family.

UMC white women used to socialize in the neighborhood and even be able to send our kids outside to play alone. Now we work.

There aren’t enough hours in the day with young kids and work, and something has to give. What has to give is fun.

[Anonymous]

My guess? She dislikes living in the burbs and being married to you. She’s also tired from working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why? why is this work? He wants to be social. He should.

Both parents have to do it for the kids sake as well.

Raising hermits is easy. And vice versa.

Of course, hermits can and will beget more hermits. Nurture plus nature.

No, they don’t both have to do this.

I’m not depressed, I’m an introvert. I do an enormous amount for my family. The least DH can do is be in charge of the social calendar, and as an extrovert he is.

He arranges dinners, and I happily host them (I’m not an anxious hostess, and I like being at home and making other people happy with good food and parties). But I am not doing playdates and have never done them.

My other mom acquaintances LOVE the fact DH does the play dates in our house, they can send their kids with their husbands who are less likely to do it, and they get a break! We don’t have to be besties, I think they prefer not having to do it!

[Anonymous]

I think you are being way too hard on her. Many, many people really do not have a lot of "friends" in adult years. Life is busy, especially when both parents are working.

I never really did it. Rarely. Not a lot. Why? I don't want to spend my precious free time with other families. I want to spend that time with my kids only. I don't get enough time during the week. I arrange times to get together with my kids friends' only. That is it. I have no interest in socializing with other adults. I work full time and do not have time. My ex husband could have cared less (married for a 10 years). He would spend 0 time on this. I spend a little but not much. My kids are now 11 and almost 14. None of what you describe happens much past age 8 anyway. Life is too busy. Extracurriculars take over.

Get this idea of how things should be out of your head. It is not the 1950s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:why? why is this work? He wants to be social. He should.

Both parents have to do it for the kids sake as well.

Raising hermits is easy. And vice versa.

Of course, hermits can and will beget more hermits. Nurture plus nature.

Wrong. My kids have friend time. I don't need to befriend other parents because our kids are friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved into our neighborhood when my kids were 6 and 1, and now they're 20 and 15 and we have no friends in the neighborhood, just friendly neighbors. All my friends live a little further out, in various locations. I met my best friend at our previous apartment building's pool, and the others at my children's various schools.

Just because you're neighbors, doesn't mean you're doing to click. Friendships aren't made that easily when you're a mature adult.

100% this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No you are not off-base.
It is a good sign that you are invested in your wife’s happiness in this way as some husbands wouldn’t give this a second thought.

However that being said, your wife is an adult & if she doesn’t want to socialize then there may not be anything that you can do to change it.
You can continue encouraging her but that is the extent.

You can gently remind her that if she wants to have more friends then she will have to at times, initiate meetings as well as reciprocate them too.

Good luck!

I think he is completely off base and unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time believing this is real.. many of my female friends want to build a "social circle" and complain about their husbands basically not being a "bro dad" but I have never heard the other way around.

[Anonymous]

It’s a troll flip post.

Lots of troll Ops posted the last few days. Lame.