Feeling frustrated about wife’s lack of interest in building a social circle

[Anonymous]

My wife and I moved to our neighborhood four years ago, and have trouble making friends to varying degrees. For some background, we have a 5 year old and 1 year old. We lived in DC, but moved out to the suburbs when our daughter was 1. My wife had a core group of three other friends, but by the time we moved, the other girls were in the process of moving elsewhere in the area/ out of the region all together (that’s not why we moved, it just happened to occur at the same time). Her friends moving was particularly hard as her best friend, who was the glue of this group, moved to the other side of the country.

When we moved to the suburbs, we aimed to have a strong group of friends like we had before. To that end, we specifically choose a neighborhood that we knew had a lot of young families, even though it was more expensive.

In the four years that we’ve lived here, we’ve had mixed results with making friends. I’ve been able to make friends with some of the Dads in the neighborhood/our daughter’s school. However, things have been a bit harder for my wife. She’ll get invites from people to have play dates, but rarely reciprocates. We’re both on a few group chat threads, and whenever someone says “let’s meet up at a playground,” my wife’s response is “you should go, I don’t feel like being social”. Whenever I mention trying to get together with some of the other Moms we know, her response is “oh, (name of Mom) is a weirdo” or “they won’t want to get together with me, they already have friends.”

On one hand, I empathize with her; I’m an introvert too, and I recognize that socializing doesn’t always come easy. And yes, I recognize that some of these other Moms are weird. On the other hand, it’s frustrating to hear her complain about how she wishes she had friends, when it feels like if she got out of her shell a bit, her social life would be better, and maybe she shouldn’t be looking for this unicorn of a best friend. It just feels like she thinks that a friendship is going to appear out of nowhere, and that’s not the case, she does have to work at it.

Am I off base in feeling frustrated about this?

[Anonymous]

You need to recognize her limitations. My husband is on the autism spectrum and has never had any friends. I cannot ask him to change this fundamental aspect of himself. I make my own friends. Do we do couple dinners with other people? Only with two other families who are fine with my husband zoning out of the conversation at some point. They get that he's not rude, and we've all helped each other through some very hard times (four bouts of cancer plus other hospitalizations between three families).

I'm a socially anxious introvert. But I can still make more friends than my husband, so the burden falls on me. And OP, it's OK to not be in the hip crowd and only keep a very small circle of friends. That's what we do.

[Anonymous]

What makes them “weird” ’to your wife? Maybe she has no friends because she is mean and judgy?

[Anonymous]

I never realized how weird some people are until I became a parent and was forced to socialize with other parents. It's no fun regularly hanging out with people with whom you don't click. It's a chore, in fact.

[Anonymous]

I was going to say you sound a bit like a jerk trying to push her into things. But the fact that she's complaining about not having friends and then not doing anything to make friends would drive me crazy. I can't stand when people whine and then do nothing to try to change the situation.
That said, I would stop pushing her. I would also not sugar coat things when she complains. Have you pointed out bluntly how she says she wants friends but then refuses to try to make any?

[Anonymous]

Don’t waste any time being frustrated with your wife for not making friends the way you think she should. That’s not your domain.

Focus on the only part that is your business, which is having to listen to her complain about it.

You should ask someone smarter like ChatGPT, but I take a couple approaches to my husband complaining about stuff I think he’s doing to himself:

1) just listen supportively because you’re the spouse and that’s part of the job. Once you’ve decided that you’re just listening supportively and not trying to give advice or come up with an answer, it gets easier. You’re probably a white collar typical dcum person and you’re trained to listen to problems, analyze them, and come up with solutions. This isn’t that. It’s a good skill and you can use it later with your kids.

2) draw whatever boundary you feel is appropriate. Find a nicer way to say “I’m tired of hearing about this but I care and I’m ready to do anything you ask me to do to help.” And probably there should be a bunch of 1 before 2 because you’re not an ahole.

[Anonymous]

You are right being frustrated; she isn’t doing her share. Creating social networks is a job nowadays, esp for people who aren’t naturally social. Once your kids are in MS you can get a break.

[Anonymous]

Making fun family friends with kids that age and all around at school, neighborhoods, sports should be super easy.

Does she work too much?

Stressed out over work and family responsibilities?

Introvert?

Mental issues? (Ie anxiety, social issues, not like people?)

[Anonymous]

Are her parents social? Ie go out to restaurants, try new things, travel, host gatherings or friends?

[Anonymous]

Anyone Asian here and have this issue?

I dont see it - the lack of socializing - with my white, black or SE Asian friends or contacts.

DC area and burbs are such a melting pot of transplants that people seem quite curious, social and open!

[Anonymous]

Tend to your own social needs Op. IDK why your wife is the way she is, but you will have a happier life if you focus on what you can control. Accept and initiate invitations. She can joins in or not but don't let her decisions stop you.

[Anonymous]

BOTH of you need to model socialization skills for the sake of your children.
How are they doing socially?

Do they have friends AT school? AFTER school?

Do they know how to greet others, look people in the eye, smile, speak clearly?

Can they ID good friend traits versus bad friend traits?

Can they hold an age appropriate back & forth conversation on a few topics or a new topic?

Can they speak to adults OK- neighbors, grandparents, teachers, coaches?

Watching tv shows doesn’t cut it, socialization needs to be practiced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tend to your own social needs Op. IDK why your wife is the way she is, but you will have a happier life if you focus on what you can control. Accept and initiate invitations. She can joins in or not but don't let her decisions stop you.

So more work for Op.

[Anonymous]

why? why is this work? He wants to be social. He should.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens now & I did a lot of socializing with other parents when they were all young . Most of those friendships are just for convenience and tend not to really last. Most fade into “friendly acquaintances”.

I’d really suggest that both you AND your wife make friends based on common interests, hobbies etc.