Feeling frustrated about wife’s lack of interest in building a social circle

[Anonymous]

The problem is that you are limiting your options to your neighborhood. Why?
We have many friends, none of whom are our neighbors.

[Anonymous]

I agree with one of the previous posters.
Try meeting new friends among people with people who share your interests.

What interests/hobbies does your wife/you have?

Perhaps join a
Book club
Religious congregation
Sports team
Choir

Can your wife meet up with her old friends for a weekend? One of my best friends lives in another country, but we try to meet up at least once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why? why is this work? He wants to be social. He should.

Both parents have to do it for the kids sake as well.

Raising hermits is easy. And vice versa.

Of course, hermits can and will beget more hermits. Nurture plus nature.

[Anonymous]

This OP is clearly a verbose woman posting about her couch potato husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This OP is clearly a verbose woman posting about her couch potato husband.

Unlikely, men usually don't arrange playdates.

[Anonymous]

She is depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you are limiting your options to your neighborhood. Why?
We have many friends, none of whom are our neighbors.

This. I have nice neighbors but none that are close friends. She may be overwhelmed with all the changes caused by the move as grieving the loss of her close circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

We moved to a new city 6.5 years ago. I have a decent social network through work, the kids, the neighborhood, and my gym. I work in the office 5 days and interact with a lot of people during the day. I have had two different jobs and done volunteer work in this city and have met/befriended a good number of people.

DH works from home, makes very little effort to make or keep friends, and essentially has no social network. We socialize with my network occasionally, but most of the time I get my social needs met between work and time with friends that DH is not involved in. To be clear, if DH and I go to a concert, dinner, etc. with friends, they are people that I met and became friends with independently of DH.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to just make your own friends and then invite your spouse to participate when appropriate. It is pretty annoying, but I will tell you that trying to get them to make joint friends is useless.

[Anonymous]

She sounds depressed to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone Asian here and have this issue?

I dont see it - the lack of socializing - with my white, black or SE Asian friends or contacts.

DC area and burbs are such a melting pot of transplants that people seem quite curious, social and open!

I'm East Asian. I seem to have a hard time finding social connections. I am somewhat introverted, and we do invite a handful of people once in a while over for dinner, but for the most part, I can't seem to really connect with most of the moms here. Maybe it's also because I'm originally from the west coast, IDK. I grew up in the US (came as a baby) so it's not like I don't understand US culture. But, maybe because my parents were still immigrants, I can't seem to connect with white Americans? I really don't know what it is.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thing but what stuck out to me was she already had a core group of friends and they moved away. The same thing happened to me. Part of me feels like I already put a lot of effort into that and it fell apart anyway, so I'm not going to bother with the people in this new neighborhood. The other part of me rationalizes that sentiment in that we haven't easily clicked off the bat with anyone we have met either.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you don’t put forth more of an effort. Why aren’t you arranging play dates and inviting other families (not just the dads)? Why don’t you host a dinner at your home? Or an outing? It’s going to be fall soon, lots of things for families to do. Organize a trip to the pumpkin patch and text all the dads you know to invite their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is depressed.

Came to say this.

[Anonymous]

I moved into our neighborhood when my kids were 6 and 1, and now they're 20 and 15 and we have no friends in the neighborhood, just friendly neighbors. All my friends live a little further out, in various locations. I met my best friend at our previous apartment building's pool, and the others at my children's various schools.

Just because you're neighbors, doesn't mean you're doing to click. Friendships aren't made that easily when you're a mature adult.

[Anonymous]

Circles never get you anywhere, just around and around.

Build a social staircase instead, with varying levels of friends, so you can climb up or down as you wish.

- The Metaphorical Guru.