Getting smart as a “good girl”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Conventional/traditional does not equal good/moral.

Also, an absence of crimes or unethical behavior does not demonstrate that you are a good person. You could just be afraid of consequences.

I am deeply disturbed that you would need to be reminded of this at your age, OP.

My conclusion is that you are a stupid person.

NP here. There are worse things than being "stupid."....like being a cold, judgmental bi..ch (my conclusion about you from your post).

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are also struggling with this .work hard, pass the tests, be qualified so a 19 year old guy named Big Balls can cancel your job, your livelihood, your department or section, your life’s work. Watch people lie on job and college applications and get ahead. I will never make as much money as an influencer.

I feel this so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[youtube]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Conventional/traditional does not equal good/moral.

Also, an absence of crimes or unethical behavior does not demonstrate that you are a good person. You could just be afraid of consequences.

I am deeply disturbed that you would need to be reminded of this at your age, OP.

My conclusion is that you are a stupid person.

NP here. There are worse things than being "stupid."....like being a cold, judgmental bi..ch (my conclusion about you from your post).

[phone]

Not op but it's telling that you two are so triggered by op's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[youtube]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Conventional/traditional does not equal good/moral.

Also, an absence of crimes or unethical behavior does not demonstrate that you are a good person. You could just be afraid of consequences.

I am deeply disturbed that you would need to be reminded of this at your age, OP.

My conclusion is that you are a stupid person.

NP here. There are worse things than being "stupid."....like being a cold, judgmental bi..ch (my conclusion about you from your post).

[phone]

Not op but it's telling that you two are so triggered by op's post.

Not triggered by op's post at all. Just thought someone (you?) responded with a very rude post. That post was very telling, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are also struggling with this .work hard, pass the tests, be qualified so a 19 year old guy named Big Balls can cancel your job, your livelihood, your department or section, your life’s work. Watch people lie on job and college applications and get ahead. I will never make as much money as an influencer.

OP - yes this is what I mean. I’m sorry, PP. I’m at a loss too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It dawned on me today that my whole life (I’m 43) I’ve been pretty much playing by the “rules” I was raised with. Be a good girl, get good grades, go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids, be a good mom, etc.

After my world was flipped upside down by divorce a few years ago, I feel like I have not really succeeded by being this person. In fact, I feel like around me the people who lie or cheat or cut corners are the ones who are succeeding.

So without going full on selfish hedonist, if you’ve had this realization already, how have you reformed yourself? Former “good girls”, please do share.

Hugs, OP. I went through the same thing. I pretty much snapped after my xH cheated after years of me putting him and our kids first, and driving myself into the ground trying to be the perfect wife and mom so he’d be happy.

I went through about a 2 year depression but now that I’m out of it, I feel completely free. Just free. I can do what I want, wear what I want, talk how I want, sleep with whoever I want.

What it’s looked like for me:

- I sleep with attractive men whenever I want to. I was taught to not be shallow, don’t be a gold digger, etc. Screw that. My expectation now is that he looks good, will spend money on me, and will take me out for a good time (both in and out of bed). If he isn’t attractive and willing to spend money, not worth my time.

- Stronger boundaries with my kids. I used to do so much for them out of guilt and obligation. I don’t anymore. There’s still lots of love, but mom isn’t the servant anymore.

- I take care of my body, workout daily, do my hair and makeup daily, and show off a lot of skin. No, I don’t look as good as a 24 year old. Who cares. I didn’t get to flaunt it when I was young, happy to do so now. I even post some thirst traps on IG.

- This one is a bit crazy, but I did go full Office Space with work because I didn’t GAF if they fired me. It’s actually worked out better, they respect me more because I say no and have boundaries.

- I’ve considered doing OF. I’ve known people who have and it’s a lot of money. And there’s demand for MILFs. Haven’t taken the plunge yet, but I’m thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened to living your belief system? Does that crumble when things go astray? If so, they weren’t your beliefs to begin with, they were words of convenience.

Agreed! Why do people feel entitled to live a life without defending what they believe in?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone ever watched the movie Booksmart? I feel like that is OPs situation. She feels like she did everything "right" and in the end she isn't rewarded specially for it. She just winds up divorced like many of the people she saw messing around and having fun.

There is a lot of gray area between being a liar and a cheat and being a good person as you see it. I fall in that grey area. I skipped classes. I drank and partied underage and used recreational drugs. I slept around. But in the end, I'm a good wife, friend, and mom. And I have a good job. The reckless parts of my life when I was younger didn't define who I am as a person.

I don't think you need to change who you are. I think you just need to figure out how to view things as not so black and white between good and bad and why do bad people get to have a good life when you've been good and you don't get to. Because a lot of those "bad " people aren't actually bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It dawned on me today that my whole life (I’m 43) I’ve been pretty much playing by the “rules” I was raised with. Be a good girl, get good grades, go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids, be a good mom, etc.

After my world was flipped upside down by divorce a few years ago, I feel like I have not really succeeded by being this person. In fact, I feel like around me the people who lie or cheat or cut corners are the ones who are succeeding.

So without going full on selfish hedonist, if you’ve had this realization already, how have you reformed yourself? Former “good girls”, please do share.

Hugs, OP. I went through the same thing. I pretty much snapped after my xH cheated after years of me putting him and our kids first, and driving myself into the ground trying to be the perfect wife and mom so he’d be happy.

I went through about a 2 year depression but now that I’m out of it, I feel completely free. Just free. I can do what I want, wear what I want, talk how I want, sleep with whoever I want.

What it’s looked like for me:

- I sleep with attractive men whenever I want to. I was taught to not be shallow, don’t be a gold digger, etc. Screw that. My expectation now is that he looks good, will spend money on me, and will take me out for a good time (both in and out of bed). If he isn’t attractive and willing to spend money, not worth my time.

- Stronger boundaries with my kids. I used to do so much for them out of guilt and obligation. I don’t anymore. There’s still lots of love, but mom isn’t the servant anymore.

- I take care of my body, workout daily, do my hair and makeup daily, and show off a lot of skin. No, I don’t look as good as a 24 year old. Who cares. I didn’t get to flaunt it when I was young, happy to do so now. I even post some thirst traps on IG.

- This one is a bit crazy, but I did go full Office Space with work because I didn’t GAF if they fired me. It’s actually worked out better, they respect me more because I say no and have boundaries.

- I’ve considered doing OF. I’ve known people who have and it’s a lot of money. And there’s demand for MILFs. Haven’t taken the plunge yet, but I’m thinking about it.

Everything you described is about superficiality and being a worse person. That’s not freedom. That’s trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever watched the movie Booksmart? I feel like that is OPs situation. She feels like she did everything "right" and in the end she isn't rewarded specially for it. She just winds up divorced like many of the people she saw messing around and having fun.

There is a lot of gray area between being a liar and a cheat and being a good person as you see it. I fall in that grey area. I skipped classes. I drank and partied underage and used recreational drugs. I slept around. But in the end, I'm a good wife, friend, and mom. And I have a good job. The reckless parts of my life when I was younger didn't define who I am as a person.

I don't think you need to change who you are. I think you just need to figure out how to view things as not so black and white between good and bad and why do bad people get to have a good life when you've been good and you don't get to. Because a lot of those "bad " people aren't actually bad.

Skipping class and drinking doesn’t make you a bad person. Being mean and selfish is what defines a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone ever watched the movie Booksmart? I feel like that is OPs situation. She feels like she did everything "right" and in the end she isn't rewarded specially for it. She just winds up divorced like many of the people she saw messing around and having fun.

There is a lot of gray area between being a liar and a cheat and being a good person as you see it. I fall in that grey area. I skipped classes. I drank and partied underage and used recreational drugs. I slept around. But in the end, I'm a good wife, friend, and mom. And I have a good job. The reckless parts of my life when I was younger didn't define who I am as a person.

I don't think you need to change who you are. I think you just need to figure out how to view things as not so black and white between good and bad and why do bad people get to have a good life when you've been good and you don't get to. Because a lot of those "bad " people aren't actually bad.

Skipping class and drinking doesn’t make you a bad person. Being mean and selfish is what defines a bad person.

Agreed. But it sort of feels like OP is mixing the two up. That unless you were the "goody two shoes" type, you were bad. That's the black and white thinking it seems OP is stuck in.

[Anonymous]

OP, everything you mentioned you did to benefit yourself or your family. Didn't you and your kids benefit by being a good mom?

You seem to feel like you're owed something for playing by the rules. The only thing that matters is whether or not you did the things it takes to achieve your goals. For example, if you want a certain income level, then whether you met the requirements and successfully pursued that profession is all that matters. You can't just get good grades and expect the rest of it to be handed to you. It's not like getting bad grades would have yielded a better outcome.

People get divorced. It doesn't make you a failure, but you weren't owed a partner with no means to escape. You played a role in your marriage too. Figure out what lessons to take away from this.

Sometimes bad people get ahead. That doesn't mean you should throw away integrity and being dishonest doesn't guarantee success. You're framing your situation as good vs bad to absolve yourself of your own mistakes. The actual situation is you need to figure out how to set goals and achieve them.

Your regrets sound like it might help to work on resourcefulness and setting appropriate boundaries. Don't waste time feeling entitled to things that you didn't earn. Just figure out how to get what you want and take the steps to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It dawned on me today that my whole life (I’m 43) I’ve been pretty much playing by the “rules” I was raised with. Be a good girl, get good grades, go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids, be a good mom, etc.

After my world was flipped upside down by divorce a few years ago, I feel like I have not really succeeded by being this person. In fact, I feel like around me the people who lie or cheat or cut corners are the ones who are succeeding.

So without going full on selfish hedonist, if you’ve had this realization already, how have you reformed yourself? Former “good girls”, please do share.

Hugs, OP. I went through the same thing. I pretty much snapped after my xH cheated after years of me putting him and our kids first, and driving myself into the ground trying to be the perfect wife and mom so he’d be happy.

I went through about a 2 year depression but now that I’m out of it, I feel completely free. Just free. I can do what I want, wear what I want, talk how I want, sleep with whoever I want.

What it’s looked like for me:

- I sleep with attractive men whenever I want to. I was taught to not be shallow, don’t be a gold digger, etc. Screw that. My expectation now is that he looks good, will spend money on me, and will take me out for a good time (both in and out of bed). If he isn’t attractive and willing to spend money, not worth my time.

- Stronger boundaries with my kids. I used to do so much for them out of guilt and obligation. I don’t anymore. There’s still lots of love, but mom isn’t the servant anymore.

- I take care of my body, workout daily, do my hair and makeup daily, and show off a lot of skin. No, I don’t look as good as a 24 year old. Who cares. I didn’t get to flaunt it when I was young, happy to do so now. I even post some thirst traps on IG.

- This one is a bit crazy, but I did go full Office Space with work because I didn’t GAF if they fired me. It’s actually worked out better, they respect me more because I say no and have boundaries.

- I’ve considered doing OF. I’ve known people who have and it’s a lot of money. And there’s demand for MILFs. Haven’t taken the plunge yet, but I’m thinking about it.

OP - Thank you PP. I think you’re the only one here who actually got my question and answered.