Child Starting K Will Have Extreme Difficulty Separating - What to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, these are all very helpful. We've been playing at the school playground and have already been practicing a goodbye routine. I will research the social story too!

At what point should I consider if this is more than age-appropriate separation issues? Will the teacher tell me?

Consider it now. Consult a psychologist now. The worst that happens is that you waste a couple hundred dollars on psychologist fees. It may be in the range of normal, but the psychologist is likely to offer you what you need (practice, further techniques, and/or reassurance) to help you parent better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, these are all very helpful. We've been playing at the school playground and have already been practicing a goodbye routine. I will research the social story too!

At what point should I consider if this is more than age-appropriate separation issues? Will the teacher tell me?

Consider it now. Consult a psychologist now. The worst that happens is that you waste a couple hundred dollars on psychologist fees. It may be in the range of normal, but the psychologist is likely to offer you what you need (practice, further techniques, and/or reassurance) to help you parent better.

That should say "to help you be a better parent around these issues"

[Anonymous]

Have your child take the bus isntead of you dropping off. Consult a child psychologist or get an evaluation. This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Just practice. Do it enough, and it will be no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Practice, and get an evaluation/help as its ok to be scared/have seperations but at that level its a bit extreme.

[Anonymous]

I'll tell you what not to do - don't show up to eat lunch with your DS. A parent did that for one of my DCs classmates and had to be told to stop. Everyday the kid had to separate all over again midday. It just made things worse and validated that it was "bad" to be separated for the day.

[Anonymous]

My DS had a really rough time with am transitions last year. I had to put him on the bus screaming a couple of times and then another time or two bailed on the bus and drove him and carried him crying into the classroom. It was pretty brutal but past the first two weeks we never had an issue. They are used to it.

[Anonymous]

That behavior will pass. Teachers and staff are super equipped to handle kids as such.

Don't ask me how I know

[Anonymous]

School psychologist here. Agree with many suggestions already given. Here are some additional ideas:

-make sure you attend open house or other events for kindergarteners before school starts. If this isn't offered, email the school and ask if you and your child can come visit during pre-service week to see the classroom, etc. with you there
-try to make the separation as quick as possible. It's hard, but the longer and more drawn out it is just delays the process. What I look for when distinguishing between "normal separation" and possible problems is how the child does after the parent leaves. Do they cry in the hallway or classroom and eventually join the class, even if inhibited? Do they become aggressive and elope the building? Do they cry all day? Most kids with separation problems will cry a bit and eventually join the class. If this isn't the case, then we go from there. But the key is having the parent drop off and leave, and we take it from there. The hardest cases to address are when the parent has reinforcement the behavior for a long time.
-This sounds rough, but having a "non-preferred" parent or other adult do the drop off. Some kids have an easier time separating from dad than from mom. Or maybe they can transition from a parent to an aunt, and then have an easier time separating from the aunt at school drop off.
-be consistent in the drop off routine! This has been mentioned, but it is so important. If you drop off at the school door, stick with that. If the classroom, stick with that. The routine is key. Transition objects (something of yours to bring in) can help, too.

On a different note, has the preschool raised any concerns about your child's social skills, emotional or behavioral functioning, or anything else, separate from the separation anxiety? If so, I'd suggest an eval. If concerns are only limited to separation anxiety, I'd give kindergarten some time.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids was like this. For the entire first semester of preschool, he had trouble separating, he would cry, beg me not to leave, even tried to ask the teacher to take him home. Holidays/breaks made it worse when school resumed. He didn’t want to be left in Sunday School, either.

But for whatever reason, when he started K the following year, he was fine. No tears; just walked right into school (we had done many of the suggestions here— read books, visited the school, talked about school, etc.). Every kid is different; just sharing my experience.

[Anonymous]

My kid had trouble with separation.

A few things that helped at that age:

1) Having someone else drop off

2) Having a particular ritual for separation that was fast, and that didn't change.

3) Spending time in the new environment with him when he knew I wasn't leaving and could relax (e.g. attending a Kindergarten Open House together, or playing on the playground together)

4) NOT lingering at drop off. On the day I was leaving for the first time, walk him there, say goodbye, do our little ritual (a saying, or a kiss on the top of his head, or something similarly brief)

5) Fantasy wish granting. This is basically agreeing with your kid when they say they wish it was different. I used to respond to "I don't want to go to school" with "You'll love it! Larlo will be there. The teacher is so nice", which I now think led to him feeling gaslit. When I switched to "I know right? I wish we were going to Disneyworld instead! What would we ride first?" or "Wouldn't it be awesome if today was a snowday? We could make a fire in the fireplace and roast marshmallows together!" things went much better. To be clear, I didn't actually grant his wish to stay home. I'd say these things while tying his shoes and packing his lunch.

6) Having a conversation that went "Saying good bye is hard. I feel as though when you cry it makes it harder. It doesn't change the fact that you have to go to school, it just means that all day the last thing I remember is you crying, and the last thing you remember is me making you go. Could we try a different way to start the day?" I have to say, I was kind of frustrated when I said this, I didn't think it would work, but that was the beginning of the turn around for us.

[Anonymous]

I would reach out to the school counselor. They can be very helpful and supportive in a situation like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you, these are all very helpful. We've been playing at the school playground and have already been practicing a goodbye routine. I will research the social story too!

At what point should I consider if this is more than age-appropriate separation issues? Will the teacher tell me?

It's already more than age-appropriate. When your kid is the only one in a group of kids clinging to their parent or crying, then you know. You don't need to be told. You already know.

This kindergartener is not going to be the only kid having a hard time. Can it with the shaming.

[Anonymous]

It’s late I think to be worrying about this now. The school should have an open house, or schedule a play date for new kindergarteners. Going to preschool, summer camp, etc is really preparation for them to be independent. It’s definitely outside of the norm to have separation anxiety for kindergarten. There will be 1-2 kids like this but these are strong social concerns. Can you take the bus? Make sure you’re not rushing or running late, that makes anxiety worse. I would definitely call the school counselor or even a child therapist.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t going to be helpful for people who have kids who are already older, but if you are reading this discussion and thinking how can I avoid this with my future child and/or infant, the answer is daycare!!! My child has no issues separating because they and their daycare peers learned to trust other adults and develop confidence from a young age. My child expects to have fun and enjoy herself without me being there, so she does. Waiting until a child is ready for prek4 or older increases the chances that there will be separation issues because it’s a new skill that has to be developed.