16 year old son doesn't handle dating well

[Anonymous]

This is a situation where I think talk therapy would be harmful. He needs to talk about it less. Get him involved in other things. Like have him join and a gym and pay for personal training or CrossFit or something to keep him busy. - mom of a teen boy of has been to therapy, so I’m not anti therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to go find group activity, volunteer work, etc., that includes both males and females without having to be “dating.”

The whole “dating” thing at his age is silly in the present day. It is practice intimacy that might have made sense when people got married right out of high school (if not before) but is unlikely to lead nowhere now, given that the very earliest most people are set up for independent living would be their mid 20’s, if not later.

+1

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you can to encourage platonic female friends. Many of them. They will help him navigate this. He needs to know young women better, not just as one-on-one, potentially sexual partners.

[Anonymous]

Do whatever you can to encourage platonic female friends. Many of them.

Thanks. He does currently have one platonic female friend, but she, similar to his platonic male friends, is more of an activity partner. They are both really into a particular card game and that is mostly what they do and talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People saying OP should stay out of it are wrong. The parent’s job is to guide their teen on how to be in a healthy relationship. I do agree that already having 3 girlfriends by 16 is a lot and I also worry that he will become possessive/controlling if not given guidance.

Agree with this. This is what a parent is SUPPOSED to do. Guide your children.

+1. This is not the role of a therapist, OP. Step up and be a parent. Where is his father on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He becomes too clingy and is constantly texting and asking to see the girls he dates and always winds up getting dumped. He largely ignores his guy friends when he is dating and then when he is dumped he is depressed and isolated until he can rekindle those friendships. We've sent him to a therapist, which doesn't help. I don't feel like I can tell him that he is forbidden from dating as a 16 year old, but I wish I could because this dynamic is not healthy for him. What can I reasonably do that I haven't already done besides talking to him and sending him to the therapist?

I feel like you can

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a situation where I think talk therapy would be harmful. He needs to talk about it less. Get him involved in other things. Like have him join and a gym and pay for personal training or CrossFit or something to keep him busy. - mom of a teen boy of has been to therapy, so I’m not anti therapy

This is good advice. I feel like there are often moments in HS (e.g. didn't make Varsity) where boys decide to ramp up their fitness goals.
Always a good thing with many good outcomes.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Someone on the other ten relationship thread posted this website and some of the relationship do and don't lists look appropriate here
https://www.joinonelove.org/

[Anonymous]

We don’t encourage or permit dating in high school. Leads to absolutely nowhere and no good outcomes ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a situation where I think talk therapy would be harmful. He needs to talk about it less. Get him involved in other things. Like have him join and a gym and pay for personal training or CrossFit or something to keep him busy. - mom of a teen boy of has been to therapy, so I’m not anti therapy

Noooo. Maybe you need a different therapist, but I do not recommend essentially sweeping this under the rug. It sounds like he is searching for intimacy too quickly, and in the wrong way, because he's not getting it from his other relationships. That is what they should be working on in therapy...understanding that, making sure he has the skills/opportunities to develop those deeper relationships, making sure his relationship with his family is deep and supportive, and building the foundation for him to understand that, as an adult, HE is the one who is going to give himself emotional support. Yes, having him delve into other activities, alone and with others, can be part of that, but not if the only idea is to distract him from these other issues in his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 girlfriends already and he’s only 16? Wtf.

yeah, this is kind of unusually early. I have 3 teens--one started dating at 18, one has never dated at 19.

No, sorry that is weird AF to not have a first date until after high school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He becomes too clingy and is constantly texting and asking to see the girls he dates and always winds up getting dumped. He largely ignores his guy friends when he is dating and then when he is dumped he is depressed and isolated until he can rekindle those friendships. We've sent him to a therapist, which doesn't help. I don't feel like I can tell him that he is forbidden from dating as a 16 year old, but I wish I could because this dynamic is not healthy for him. What can I reasonably do that I haven't already done besides talking to him and sending him to the therapist?

OP, this is called anxious attachment style and there are books and podcasts and lots of tik toks, reels, etc... about it.

I think it is good you are recognizing this and not making it the girl's fault which many boy moms do.

He's has to figure out why he is like that (usually stems from looking at love as chaotic and have to prove your worth, or abandonment issues) and recognize and heal that before it rewires his brain that this is how love goes. He shouldn't date for awhile until he can become more stable.

There are a lot of great people online that help those with anxious attachment style and learn how to watch the energy of the other person, read the room, and when to lean out. Many teens and adults with anxious attachment also tend to have ADHD or anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He becomes too clingy and is constantly texting and asking to see the girls he dates and always winds up getting dumped. He largely ignores his guy friends when he is dating and then when he is dumped he is depressed and isolated until he can rekindle those friendships. We've sent him to a therapist, which doesn't help. I don't feel like I can tell him that he is forbidden from dating as a 16 year old, but I wish I could because this dynamic is not healthy for him. What can I reasonably do that I haven't already done besides talking to him and sending him to the therapist?

OP, this is called anxious attachment style and there are books and podcasts and lots of tik toks, reels, etc... about it.

I think it is good you are recognizing this and not making it the girl's fault which many boy moms do.

He's has to figure out why he is like that (usually stems from looking at love as chaotic and have to prove your worth, or abandonment issues) and recognize and heal that before it rewires his brain that this is how love goes. He shouldn't date for awhile until he can become more stable.

There are a lot of great people online that help those with anxious attachment style and learn how to watch the energy of the other person, read the room, and when to lean out. Many teens and adults with anxious attachment also tend to have ADHD or anxiety.

Oh and one more thing. He needs to learn that have a girlfriend or person doesn't make him complete. He has to feel complete and part of that is keeping his interests and spirit up. Since he tends to lose his friends, I am going to guess he isn't working hard on other activities, sports, clubs, friendships, etc... Make sure he has his own interests and things that make him fulfilled and whole - and that a future girlfriend is just a nice addition where they are two separate people with lives and interests that like to see each other. Relationships shouldn't fill a void or morph into one person.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 girlfriends already and he’s only 16? Wtf.

yeah, this is kind of unusually early. I have 3 teens--one started dating at 18, one has never dated at 19.

No, sorry that is weird AF to not have a first date until after high school

It’s more common nowadays than you think. Not “weird AF.”

[Anonymous]

Relationships are always more intense at that age and happen faster than adults.