Joy after going low contact with toxic sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have gray rocked my brother and could not be happier. I reach out to his wife, but almost completely ignore him.

Why do you maintain a relationship with his wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

Different poster and I am happy for you OP. I think those of us who went low contact or no contact post to let others know life can be better.When you deal with someone for years who sucks the life out of you with things like dramatics/manipulations/emotional abuse/lies you can feel trapped. It's hard to step back because there can be a whole family system insisting you stay in your role and you are afraid of the aftermath. In my case my mother was livid though she didn't get along with my sister either-she needed the dysfunction in play. So I lost a lot stepping back-another parent, extended family functions (because she was the type to make a scene), etc, but it was worth it. The tranquility is priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

NP. That PP isn’t entirely wrong though. I always find the DCUM discussion t on estrangement and cutoffs to be fascinating because in my real life, the only people I know who have done this tend to be both unhappy and highly dramatic. I’d never describe them as full of joy, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

NP. That PP isn’t entirely wrong though. I always find the DCUM discussion t on estrangement and cutoffs to be fascinating because in my real life, the only people I know who have done this tend to be both unhappy and highly dramatic. I’d never describe them as full of joy, at least.

There are probably happy people in your life who just haven't shared with you going low or no contact. Very few people know I am low contact other than people I have been friends with since childhood and my husband and kids. Most people only share it with those with whom they feel safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

NP. That PP isn’t entirely wrong though. I always find the DCUM discussion t on estrangement and cutoffs to be fascinating because in my real life, the only people I know who have done this tend to be both unhappy and highly dramatic. I’d never describe them as full of joy, at least.

There are probably happy people in your life who just haven't shared with you going low or no contact. Very few people know I am low contact other than people I have been friends with since childhood and my husband and kids. Most people only share it with those with whom they feel safe.

That might be true. But the ones where I do know, they are the opposite of full of joy. And you can kind of tell when someone has gone no contact or low contact if you know them well enough to hear about grandparents, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have gray rocked my brother and could not be happier. I reach out to his wife, but almost completely ignore him.

Why do you maintain a relationship with his wife?

Because she is a good person and is the parent of my nieces and nephew. I enjoy her friendship. I love my brother. I just do not like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

Different poster and I am happy for you OP. I think those of us who went low contact or no contact post to let others know life can be better.When you deal with someone for years who sucks the life out of you with things like dramatics/manipulations/emotional abuse/lies you can feel trapped. It's hard to step back because there can be a whole family system insisting you stay in your role and you are afraid of the aftermath. In my case my mother was livid though she didn't get along with my sister either-she needed the dysfunction in play. So I lost a lot stepping back-another parent, extended family functions (because she was the type to make a scene), etc, but it was worth it. The tranquility is priceless.

Thank you for your post.

I'm sorry that you had to have these experiences, and I can see you understand and get it at a deep level.

You are spot on about the family system that wants you to stay in your role. And it does seem certain family members become addicted to the drama and dysfunction or, at the very least, that is what feels familiar to people. I had to recognize the victim-rescuer-perpetrator triangle and exit from it because two other family members loved to pull me into the drama. I would get dramatic phone calls from both with a lot of crying and accusations against the other. It's exhausting and a waste of time.

I'm sorry about what you have lost yet very glad you have that calm and tranquility now.

Wishing you the best,
OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

NP. That PP isn’t entirely wrong though. I always find the DCUM discussion t on estrangement and cutoffs to be fascinating because in my real life, the only people I know who have done this tend to be both unhappy and highly dramatic. I’d never describe them as full of joy, at least.

You have not conducted a study on this or researched this topic. You are one person with a few experiences with people who are estranged, and it sounds like you are making judgments they are "dramatic" without all the facts about what happened in their lives. They probably aren't telling you everything.

If you want facts and a researched book on the topic, I suggest The Power of Parting.

"...At least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a parent, sibling, or other family member. He also learned why so much stigma surrounds this common—and often lifesaving—phenomenon. Even among therapists—the professionals who would seem most attuned to the pain relatives can inflict—there’s a bias toward reconciliation, when millions of their patients need instead to escape their abusers’ grip. Estrangement, Dolan realized, should be understood and embraced, not shrouded in shame...."

https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/733809/the-power-of-parting-by-eamon-dolan/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are truly free and full of joy, why post about it and spend more of your life on talking about a toxic relationship to strangers? You still sound enmeshed.

Because it feels fantastic!

You did not have to read this post. You can make a decision not to comment, not to read, etc, etc. Are you the same poster who keeps posting critical comments?

OP

NP. That PP isn’t entirely wrong though. I always find the DCUM discussion t on estrangement and cutoffs to be fascinating because in my real life, the only people I know who have done this tend to be both unhappy and highly dramatic. I’d never describe them as full of joy, at least.

There are probably happy people in your life who just haven't shared with you going low or no contact. Very few people know I am low contact other than people I have been friends with since childhood and my husband and kids. Most people only share it with those with whom they feel safe.

That might be true. But the ones where I do know, they are the opposite of full of joy. And you can kind of tell when someone has gone no contact or low contact if you know them well enough to hear about grandparents, etc.

That is incorrect that you can tell if someone has gone low or no contact. Many of my friends don't know I am low contact or that I have a mentally ill family member.

People who have been abused are not all full of joy. Each human is an individual and will have a different experience and a different reaction to those experiences.

OP