After your children leave for college

[Anonymous]

Youngest is set to graduate college soon. We have a 3000K sq ft home and a 1600K finished basement. 5 rooms and 31/2 bathrooms. Big yard. Leafy, sleepy, close knit neighborhood.

Both kids come and go from the house, it is their permanent home, the place where they have stashed all their stuff that they don't use, a place where their friends visit and crash. Their room is exactly how they left it. The dressers and closets have their gear and clothes. They are renting apartments currently when they are not in town, but this is their home.

Once they come back - they know that they will get warm food, they can catch up on sleep, their clothes will get laundered, their friends will be welcome, they will meet all the neighbors, friends and relatives, they can destress and chill. I am sure, each time they come back they can see that everyone is graying a bit, that some neighbors are feeble and some have passed away - I am sure that there is some nostalgia involved here. But, having your parents home be spic and span, seeing the same hustle and bustle - things are grounding and familiar.

We are immigrants. There is no other small town in USA where we belong. We don't have any where else to go back to. The jobs are here, the infrastructure is here. We have built a community here. Close friends, neighbors, coworkers, relatives - they all are going to continue to be staying here. For us, being in DMV is comfortable and convenient. Maybe the kids will return here? We live in a suburb of MoCo. We like the diversity here. We like how easy it is to catch a flight to our country of origin.

We have started to modify our home so that we can age in place. We want to be independent. We want for our kids to forever have a home where they can stay rent-free.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh please do not feel obligated!! My parents sold our home when I went to college and it was great to go visit them in new exciting places. Going home was like a vacation instead of just going home. If you want to go back and visit high school friends on breaks etc it’s easy to crash with someone.

[Anonymous]

Our plan is to stay in the area, but we may downsize, until both kids graduate college (still in HS now). I do think it would suck for them not to be able to come "home" during breaks, but I don't think that needs to be the same house. Realistically, inertia may keep us in the same house though. Once they are settled somewhere, we plan to move. But it is all so hypothetical right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can move. The children do not care.

My children went to boarding school, then uni with summers spent traveling, then got jobs and moved. This living in one house for 40 years is completely provincial and depressing.

We’re going to move but my family has been in the same town for hundreds of years. I’m pretty attached to my childhood home. I don’t think that’s depressing at all to like where I grew up, even if I would not live there now. And my parents love their house but travel a lot! Obviously they could move if they wanted to but different things work for different people.

+1 there's a segment of DCUM that seems to see any long-term attachment to people and places as something to be denigrated. I like my neighborhood but my kids love the neighborhood. They are in college and a new grad and still close with friends they've had since elementary school. New grad wants to get a group house with some of those friends in our neighborhood. I love that they have that connection. I never felt that kind of connection to the neighborhood I grew up in. We'll sell their childhood home eventually and I wouldn't hold on to it for them but we won't move far away since the kids want to settle here too.

[Anonymous]

My friend moved out, got married, bought a house, had kids...and now her parents provide childcare in their own house and she works from her parents home. It would have been hard if the grandparents would have moved to a smaller home.

The young generation will probably not be able to afford the mansions that their parents live in.

[Anonymous]

We’re moving to a bigger house in a nicer area as soon as our kids leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can move. The children do not care.

My children went to boarding school, then uni with summers spent traveling, then got jobs and moved. This living in one house for 40 years is completely provincial and depressing.

We’re going to move but my family has been in the same town for hundreds of years. I’m pretty attached to my childhood home. I don’t think that’s depressing at all to like where I grew up, even if I would not live there now. And my parents love their house but travel a lot! Obviously they could move if they wanted to but different things work for different people.

+1 there's a segment of DCUM that seems to see any long-term attachment to people and places as something to be denigrated. I like my neighborhood but my kids love the neighborhood. They are in college and a new grad and still close with friends they've had since elementary school. New grad wants to get a group house with some of those friends in our neighborhood. I love that they have that connection. I never felt that kind of connection to the neighborhood I grew up in. We'll sell their childhood home eventually and I wouldn't hold on to it for them but we won't move far away since the kids want to settle here too.

My view on this is different. Yes, it’s nice to have fond memories of where you grew up, and it’s nice to give your kids those memories. But I don’t think parents are put on this earth to sacrifice the pursuit of their own happiness for their entire lives so their kids are. And I think it’s selfish of kids to expect parents to act that way. There is nothing wrong with a parent finally being able to live the life that he is she chooses once their child reaches adulthood. Every in the family should be generous with everybody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We raised our kids in a large home in a lovely and boring neighborhood in a fancy NOVA suburb. It was the perfect place to be until we didn’t need the schools anymore. We sold the house and moved into the city when our youngest was halfway through college. Our youngest wasn’t happy about it, but got over it quickly. It’s not like we moved to Mexico.

More than a decade later we’re still here and all of our kids are settled in the area as well. It’s worked out great.

The suburbs are designed and marketed to families with kids. There’s no reason to live there without them. We were itching to get out as soon as we became empty nesters and saw zero reason to wait any longer than we did.

Lots of reasons. Quiet, nature, space. I don’t want to ever live like a bee. I have my 3 acres and can can turn left and go to the city and turn right and be in rural areas. The options are marvelous. I’d like to stay here until I die or maybe buy a small house in rural Ireland.

[Anonymous]

Our rising senior (only child) has asked that we stay in the house until she finished at least one year of college. We had always intended to move from the suburbs back to the city when she was in college, but a couple things have impacted that thinking:

- We both work from home some or all of the time. That'd be difficult in a 2 BR condo. We each have our own office here, which is great.
- Our mortgage interest rate is ridiculously low. We have enough equity to buy a place for cash, but it probably makes more sense to keep this place for now.
- We are not yet retired, but getting closer (looking at when she graduates college). We're undecided if we want to stay here long term, and it would be silly to move for 3-4 years.
- As another PP said, it's questionable verging on unlikely that our kid will be able to afford a house in this neighborhood. We have sufficient retirement assets that we don't need the equity, and if she plans to stay in the area (and wants it) it would be nice to keep the house for her. That's pretty common in this neighborhood - lots of parents live in or near the house in which they grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We raised our kids in a large home in a lovely and boring neighborhood in a fancy NOVA suburb. It was the perfect place to be until we didn’t need the schools anymore. We sold the house and moved into the city when our youngest was halfway through college. Our youngest wasn’t happy about it, but got over it quickly. It’s not like we moved to Mexico.

More than a decade later we’re still here and all of our kids are settled in the area as well. It’s worked out great.

The suburbs are designed and marketed to families with kids. There’s no reason to live there without them. We were itching to get out as soon as we became empty nesters and saw zero reason to wait any longer than we did.

Lots of reasons. Quiet, nature, space. I don’t want to ever live like a bee. I have my 3 acres and can can turn left and go to the city and turn right and be in rural areas. The options are marvelous. I’d like to stay here until I die or maybe buy a small house in rural Ireland.

Right. You're in the worst of all worlds. The city is better. The country is better. Rural Ireland is better. Everywhere else is better and you have to drive or fly to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our rising senior (only child) has asked that we stay in the house until she finished at least one year of college. We had always intended to move from the suburbs back to the city when she was in college, but a couple things have impacted that thinking:

- We both work from home some or all of the time. That'd be difficult in a 2 BR condo. We each have our own office here, which is great.
- Our mortgage interest rate is ridiculously low. We have enough equity to buy a place for cash, but it probably makes more sense to keep this place for now.
- We are not yet retired, but getting closer (looking at when she graduates college). We're undecided if we want to stay here long term, and it would be silly to move for 3-4 years.
- As another PP said, it's questionable verging on unlikely that our kid will be able to afford a house in this neighborhood. We have sufficient retirement assets that we don't need the equity, and if she plans to stay in the area (and wants it) it would be nice to keep the house for her. That's pretty common in this neighborhood - lots of parents live in or near the house in which they grew up.

That's interesting, because I'm thinking the same way about keeping the house as a rental for my DCs to use later. Our neighborhood has gone up in value so much that it would be impossible to purchase a home at starting salaries, the way DH and I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you are all family centric yada yada and stay. Kid stops coming home except once starting junior year.
After gets job never wants to come home. Hahhah. Guess they aren't obligated.

Of course 20-somethings aren't obligated to come home. Once they fly, they fly. That's the plan. Then move on to your next stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Youngest is set to graduate college soon. We have a 3000K sq ft home and a 1600K finished basement. 5 rooms and 31/2 bathrooms. Big yard. Leafy, sleepy, close knit neighborhood.

Both kids come and go from the house, it is their permanent home, the place where they have stashed all their stuff that they don't use, a place where their friends visit and crash. Their room is exactly how they left it. The dressers and closets have their gear and clothes. They are renting apartments currently when they are not in town, but this is their home.

Once they come back - they know that they will get warm food, they can catch up on sleep, their clothes will get laundered, their friends will be welcome, they will meet all the neighbors, friends and relatives, they can destress and chill. I am sure, each time they come back they can see that everyone is graying a bit, that some neighbors are feeble and some have passed away - I am sure that there is some nostalgia involved here. But, having your parents home be spic and span, seeing the same hustle and bustle - things are grounding and familiar.

We are immigrants. There is no other small town in USA where we belong. We don't have any where else to go back to. The jobs are here, the infrastructure is here. We have built a community here. Close friends, neighbors, coworkers, relatives - they all are going to continue to be staying here. For us, being in DMV is comfortable and convenient. Maybe the kids will return here? We live in a suburb of MoCo. We like the diversity here. We like how easy it is to catch a flight to our country of origin.

We have started to modify our home so that we can age in place. We want to be independent. We want for our kids to forever have a home where they can stay rent-free.

Retired military PP again, and this is also my concern for leaving. I don't have relatives here, or a firm tie to the area, other than what we have built over the past ten years. It is one of two places that my family was very comfortable, and we are more connected to our community here. I've rebuilt my community a number of times. I just don't know if I have it in me to re-build it again, at an older age, where we aren't forced into community events through kids. Right now we belong here. Still at some point my husband would like to move to where he grew up. I want to give it a few more years and see where our kids settle. If they stay in the DC area, I'd keep the house, and likely do part time. We will see. I'm concerned I'll turn into an introverted retiree if we move again.

[Anonymous]

I don't see what having house and getting another place have to do with each other.

I am not from the DMV originally and have zero family or even friends here. I moved here for work 8 years ago and I know people at work and are nice but not that is that.

But still it is a large house. I dont feel like packing it up after just doing that 8 years ago. I also dont know where kids will end up as may want to live near grandkids. My oldest kid knows zero people by new house as she never lived here as I moved after she graduated HS and just was here in summers and winter during college. My middle knows one or two people. My youngest knows people. My wife barely knows anyone.

Yet moving is a headache. I can travel or buy a condo somewhere if I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not obligated to house your kids after college or after they get a job if not going to college. Helicopter gets retired at some point.

That's the view of a very small group of people, mostly American, mostly untethered to family values. And I say this as lefty European, not as a product of some third world regressive culture.

NP. That’s so true. The (non-American) patients I see so often live with adult kids and extended family - more often that not!