Reality check: Spouse - new job - workload

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am getting good reality checks here Keep them coming. And yes I am terrified to be alone with 2 kids (2 and 7) while he is abroad and I have no local family to help. We did it in the past but then the travel was to CA and it did feel scary to bear this responsibility for the kids on my own. Especially as my little one has physical disabilities and the medical toll is heavy.

Age 2 and 7. The 7 year old is old enough to understand that mom needs best behavior and a little bit of help when dad is out of town. I have a 5 year gap to my sibling and my dad traveled on business occasionally and we lived in California with no local family nearby (one cousin 90 minutes away). A 7 year old can help you wash up after dinner, supervise the toddler when all 3 of you are at the grocery store, sort laundry loads with you, etc.

I would say just work on your contingency planning with a few other adults. My older child had a kindergarten friend with a divorced mom. She and I did each other a few logistical favors over the years.

You may also want to have a plan for car dependency. For example, I took my husband to the airport so there were always two cars at home. That's so I'd have another one handy if I got a flat or whatever. Now there's Uber and Lyft to help also. Have one of the apps ready to go if needed.

Decide on some ways to keep in touch during the trips. My gaming elementary schooler continued playing with his cousins online after long days sightseeing in England. Now the cousins are moving to LA and he will have a very similar relationship with them because our life has gone digital. Dad can still say goodnight to the kids some nights from Spain.

I would recommend that you talk to your geographically closest relatives and ask them if they could be a lifeline in an extreme emergency. And that you develop a relationship with a trusted babysitter. We only used one - a daycare teacher from our kids' preschool. Having some backup plans will make you feel better.

I love working with people from other countries and think this is great role modeling for children. I hope your kids get a chance to go somewhere fun with frequent flyer miles!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse was let go last week. They already got a new offer through their network. Pay is the same - $220k - but requires a mandatory quarterly travel to Spain and ad hoc travel within the US. They report to the company’s CEO. Tech sector.

I want to be a supportive partner and not criticize BUT it seems to be not enough $ given the amount of travel is expected. Or am I unrealistic?

We have 2 young kids and I am terrified to be left alone with them once he goes away that often.

They said they would need to take it because the job market is not okay. I am not saying it’s okay but if one reports to CEO and is expected to be available at their every ask, shouldn’t the salary be at least in 300s?

Give me your reality check.

What about stock and bonus. I have find very well in tech and a lot of it is due to stock (I am not in big tech).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your situation sounds pretty great to me. We have two young kids and my DH has a job that makes less than half of yours and requires 50% travel (usually international). I also work full time in a demanding job with no WFO option.

What job pays $110k and requires 50% international travel?

Federal government

[Anonymous]

Aren’t your kids in school/daycare? You will only take care of them a few hrs a day. I think it’s strange to be worried about taking care of your own kids. Make sure your husband has excellent life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is truly an emergency, your husband will fly back from Spain just the same as he would fly back from CA.

Your husband is smart to say that he needs to take the job. The job market is terrible. There are many threads about this.

Also, many people do not live near family and have spouses who travel or work a lot of hours. I’m not saying it’s easy but it seems like life would get a lot harder if your husband were home and unemployed.

Perhaps you should start a thread in one of the parenting groups about tips for dealing with your kids on your own and your specific concerns related to your child with disabilities. I’m not being snarky.

Good point. I feel disappointed in him it is a second time in 2 years, he got let go. He works 16 hours or so/ day, doesn’t take any time off. Yet he got let go. In his previous job, he also reported to the CEO. Something is not adding up here and I don’t feel he has skills to be an executive. And I simply don’t want to support him with his career anymore.

I am very much concerned about a lack of paycheck but it is my boring job that provides health insurance. His “fancy” tech job doesn’t. If he takes this offer, I don’t know how long I will manage. I am not even working for a paycheck, I am working to get medical insurance as our kid has massive needs and we would never manage without insurance.

I wanted to encourage him to go to the traditional corporate America and increase his salary from 200 to 300 and get solid medical insurance.

He said he needs at least a year to figure out a switch from tech to corporate. That is massively long imo.

I don’t know I guess the bottom line is I wish I had not married him. Oh well, life sucks.

If he’s already working 16 hours a day with no time off, aren’t you doing all of the childcare anyway? I don’t see how traveling overseas versus working 7 am - midnight is that different.

[Anonymous]

Corporate America sometimes underpays vs.tech.

And it can be hard to assimilate into an existing culture at a company that isn't growing rapidly.

I work for an established company that's trying to add
Silicon Valley types. It's not going so well. Some have very short tenures.

When you are new to a company and highly paid (anything above $150K), it will stick out if you don't fit in socially or you aren't producing.

And a lot of companies aren't good at training. And post-Covid, people aren't very interested in doing extra for employers or new people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse was let go last week. They already got a new offer through their network. Pay is the same - $220k - but requires a mandatory quarterly travel to Spain and ad hoc travel within the US. They report to the company’s CEO. Tech sector.

I want to be a supportive partner and not criticize BUT it seems to be not enough $ given the amount of travel is expected. Or am I unrealistic?

We have 2 young kids and I am terrified to be left alone with them once he goes away that often.

They said they would need to take it because the job market is not okay. I am not saying it’s okay but if one reports to CEO and is expected to be available at their every ask, shouldn’t the salary be at least in 300s?

Give me your reality check.

Is this real? Toughen up. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse was let go last week. They already got a new offer through their network. Pay is the same - $220k - but requires a mandatory quarterly travel to Spain and ad hoc travel within the US. They report to the company’s CEO. Tech sector.

I want to be a supportive partner and not criticize BUT it seems to be not enough $ given the amount of travel is expected. Or am I unrealistic?

We have 2 young kids and I am terrified to be left alone with them once he goes away that often.

They said they would need to take it because the job market is not okay. I am not saying it’s okay but if one reports to CEO and is expected to be available at their every ask, shouldn’t the salary be at least in 300s?

Give me your reality check.

I have three kids and have always worked full-time with minimal help. There were times when my husband had to travel quite a bit. Why did you have children if you were afraid to be alone with them? I really don’t understand this. Do you work? The job market is extremely tough. Your husband is very lucky to have found a job so quickly. You sound super spoiled and lazy.

I’m the PP who posted this and I didn’t realize you had a special-needs kid that does change everything and I can understand how you would be more concerned about your husband traveling. That being said I still think it’s a very tough job market and he’s lucky he got something so quickly. I hope that you can get extra help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse was let go last week. They already got a new offer through their network. Pay is the same - $220k - but requires a mandatory quarterly travel to Spain and ad hoc travel within the US. They report to the company’s CEO. Tech sector.

I want to be a supportive partner and not criticize BUT it seems to be not enough $ given the amount of travel is expected. Or am I unrealistic?

We have 2 young kids and I am terrified to be left alone with them once he goes away that often.

They said they would need to take it because the job market is not okay. I am not saying it’s okay but if one reports to CEO and is expected to be available at their every ask, shouldn’t the salary be at least in 300s?

Give me your reality check.

I have three kids and have always worked full-time with minimal help. There were times when my husband had to travel quite a bit. Why did you have children if you were afraid to be alone with them? I really don’t understand this. Do you work? The job market is extremely tough. Your husband is very lucky to have found a job so quickly. You sound super spoiled and lazy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse was let go last week. They already got a new offer through their network. Pay is the same - $220k - but requires a mandatory quarterly travel to Spain and ad hoc travel within the US. They report to the company’s CEO. Tech sector.

I want to be a supportive partner and not criticize BUT it seems to be not enough $ given the amount of travel is expected. Or am I unrealistic?

We have 2 young kids and I am terrified to be left alone with them once he goes away that often.

They said they would need to take it because the job market is not okay. I am not saying it’s okay but if one reports to CEO and is expected to be available at their every ask, shouldn’t the salary be at least in 300s?

Give me your reality check.

My spouse makes that salary and travels all the time. What he does is he cuts his travel as short as possible. He has gone to Europe and back in 24-36 hours or he clumps meetings together. He had to travel to multiple countries in Africa and was back in a week. Others I know spread it out for longer. You need to talk with your husband about expectations.

You get points for airlines and hotels (have him check their policies). My spouse usually travels a certain airline and is an invite only tier, which almost always gets us all up to business class for free or with points when we travel as a family. His job also lets him fly business after 5 hours of travel time because he travels so often.

Hotels must be under a $ depending on city so we use Hilton and Marriott and stay at Waldorf or Ritz with points for family vacations.

My spouse is also gone some weekends. I have kids and do it alone. We have no family close-by either. I hire a babysitter and if it gets really hectic we will get a cleaner in 1-2x a month during the very busy travel season. I have friends and neighbors who also will offer to have my kids over for dinner if they know my husband is away for a long period of time.

I will say after many years of this it is getting old for me/us. My husband is looking for a higher paying role with less travel. His role in similar companies would pay $50K-$100K more, he was promoted into it so that is why his salary is less.

It is hard, but the job market is harder, and it is easier to get a job if you have a job. He should accept the job, but work his network and attend conferences so he can network into a higher paying role or a role that pays the same with little or no travel. It stinks, I get it, sometimes when my husband is gone it is really hard. But then, the kids watch TV, or we have pizza for dinner, or I text a neighbor and say I am having a hard time and they invite my kids over for dinner or bring us all a meal (I reciprocate). Or I text the high school neighbor who my kid loves and offer to pay him if he comes and plays with my kid or helps with bedtime/etc. You can also talk to your school about help. There might be state services for your SN child you don't even know about.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids who are 5 years apart, too. I don't think being "terrified" is normal. When my dh was away, it was like a little vacation for us. We relaxed our regular routine, and it was fun. Sure, it's not easy to be the only parent, but it was not unreasonable. Can you explain more about what is terrifying to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids who are 5 years apart, too. I don't think being "terrified" is normal. When my dh was away, it was like a little vacation for us. We relaxed our regular routine, and it was fun. Sure, it's not easy to be the only parent, but it was not unreasonable. Can you explain more about what is terrifying to you?

What terrifies me is a medical emergency with my 2 year old. He is physically disabled, non-verbal and G-tube. As of last month, he had his first seizure. My DH went in an ambulance to the hospital with him. I picked up my 7 yo from school and stayed with them at home. If my DH wasn’t here, what would I do? Would I honestly take a 7 yo to an ambulance and make them witness their sibling having a seizure, being in the ER, being admitted etc? I mean - there is 0 family locally. My DH doesn’t get it. And I frankly believe that $220 k is not worth to traumatize my perfectly healthy and happy 7 yo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids who are 5 years apart, too. I don't think being "terrified" is normal. When my dh was away, it was like a little vacation for us. We relaxed our regular routine, and it was fun. Sure, it's not easy to be the only parent, but it was not unreasonable. Can you explain more about what is terrifying to you?

What terrifies me is a medical emergency with my 2 year old. He is physically disabled, non-verbal and G-tube. As of last month, he had his first seizure. My DH went in an ambulance to the hospital with him. I picked up my 7 yo from school and stayed with them at home. If my DH wasn’t here, what would I do? Would I honestly take a 7 yo to an ambulance and make them witness their sibling having a seizure, being in the ER, being admitted etc? I mean - there is 0 family locally. My DH doesn’t get it. And I frankly believe that $220 k is not worth to traumatize my perfectly healthy and happy 7 yo.

So your DH was working from home during the 16 hrs he was working? Or did this medical emergency just happen to fall at a time when he was home? The reality is, even if DH takes a job working from home, there is always a chance that you'll be home alone with your kids and a medical emergency will happen and your 7yo will have to witness it. It sounds like he's a non executive in the tech which can be a touch industry right now. Does he have a good idea what the job market is for him right now? Since you rely on his income, he should probably take this job while he keeps looking.

[Anonymous]

Entitled and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

I think that pay is high. But I'm married to a fed who travels internationally 2-3 weeks a month and makes only 160k...

My kids also are very little and it's nbd. We have a rhythm and I make it fun at night. I work full time though (spouse doesn't make enough lol), sounds like you're a SAHM, so that is more tiring being home all day and all night with kids.